Hope

I sincerely believe this lockdown will last for the remainder of 2020 and well into 2021.April 2020

Unfortunately, it seems I was correct. What I was wrong about was the rare possibility of reopening my blog in 2021. I’m going to do that now.

My shutdown post wasn’t for the sake of attention. Every word in that post is what I felt at the time. Suicidal feelings are strong, and I’m beginning to think I may struggle with them for the rest of my life, despite a decade passing before I felt that terribly again (although the first time, the mental struggle didn’t end for three years). That actually makes me wish that much more my life had not come into being. Struggling with the concept of your mere existence isn’t fun, to put it mildly.

As I said in that post, the only reason I am still here is I’ve yet to be able to intentionally bring harm upon my body, and I truly resent that incapability. However, a huge part of what drove the feelings that led me to write that post and shut down my blog was fear.

…if going outside absolutely dooms people to the virus and death, if it’s terrifying enough for suicide to be a better option

This post was in April. It’s now July. Yes, I was that scared of getting sick. That’s what hearing “stay home or people will die” will do to a person.

Months later, it’s now occurred to me… people really like to preach and pat themselves on the back.

The term I’ve found for it is “virtue signaling”, and if nothing else, I’ve realized life on the internet is really unhealthy. That’s nothing new, but with the economy on death’s door, the viciousness seems more blatant. If you ask social media, going outside is a crime akin to manslaughter and worthy of the death penalty. Offline? Nobody cares.

…people being arrested for being outside, celebrations being broken up…

Including the police. At least, in my town. My neighborhood had an unofficial little block party for the fireworks. The cops came by… and didn’t give two cents. They asked for a car that was double-parked to be moved, and told a couple to stop shooting fireworks off their lawn, not to ruin our fun, but because it posed a hazard. This was at night, after the city’s curfew (9pm). No arrests, no citations. Just wanting to stop safety hazards. The officer moved on – never got out of his cruiser! – leaving us to enjoy the unofficial fireworks show we were getting from the distance.

Watching those fireworks with neighbors as meringue music played. Somehow, I was so incredibly happy. The happiest I’ve been this year.

Today, I went to the beach. I haven’t been to the beach since 2013 or 2014. I prefer the pool, but the one I usually go to is under construction until late 2021, and the other open pools require summer memberships. Thus, the beach was my only viable option. It was nearly a one hour drive (oh, yeah; I got a new car in May), but a one hour drive that was worth it. Though I wished I had someone with me, I still had a great time and spent seven hours – from their opening to their closing – at the beach. The weather was perfect. Somehow, when I was enjoying myself in the water, all of these thoughts came to mind. Everyone was here to have fun. This is not what the internet would want to see, but this wasn’t the internet. It was real.

And somehow, I began to think if I really have to be here – if I can’t find the strength to take my life away – I’ll have to make the best of it. The more I pull away from the internet, especially social media, the more I see not only isn’t it a substitute for life offline, but it never came close.

That also means I am done feeling guilty for taking care of myself. I take care of a household. The internet expects everyone to be responsible for everyone. No. People say “think of someone besides yourself” until the people you think of are personal to you. You’re supposed to care about utter strangers, but not your family and friends. That is, unless said family and friends agree with the internet. Then, it’s okay to care about them.

While I was enjoying the fireworks last night and the beach day, I also thought about my relationship. My boyfriend and I are still a couple, but I do think the relationship may have run its course. In those moments, I wished he was with me, but I still enjoyed myself without him. Regarding the beach, I know I would’ve been waiting on him to get up and get ready because he almost never wakes up in the morning. It was very nice to be able to just go.

Simply put, we will not be partners in life. I want someone to actually share the responsibility of a household we build together, not someone whose idea of living together is me solely being responsible for a home while he lives in a parked RV nearby and still visits occasionally. The tension in our relationship has gotten so noticeable, even his sister believes I may call it quits, and I’m unsure she’s wrong (side note: his sister and niece have the same frustrations with him that I do). I said at least once I could imagine my life without him, but I don’t want to. Seems it’s called the “honeymoon phase” for a reason. I want him in my life, but I’m not so opposed to the idea of him not being there anymore, especially when I’m seeing I don’t miss him when I am having fun so much as I miss company. Had I watched the fireworks, danced to the music, or visited the beach with a friend, that longing to have someone with me wouldn’t have existed.

I want companionship, not specifically romance. I really wonder if coming to these realizations may spell the end of our relationship. I haven’t checked out yet – it’s not foregone – but it may be getting there. As for his sleeping late specifically, I now don’t care to bother. If he doesn’t get up, I go alone.

This post is titled “Hope”, but it’s not because I have hope for 2020, 2021, humanity, or my life. There’s definitely a chance down the road I will regret this post and the feelings that led me to shut down my blog will resurface. I really hate I’m not someone who’s glad to be alive and instead just making the best of being forced into existence since I’ve not found the strength to terminate. This post’s title is for the mere fact I want that to not be the case. I do hope I don’t regret this post and re-opening my blog. Only time will determine that.

In the meantime, I won’t feel guilty or ashamed for not being a hikikomori like Reddit, Facebook, and Twitter deem I should. Am I a murderer? The internet would say yes.

But I’m not sorry I don’t live online.

Summer Sucks

Never have I hated summer so much.

To recap: I was fired twice (though I got a better job than the others), I wasn’t paid by one job and still haven’t, my relationship is on the rocks, I have to deal with credit fraud, and a friend I’ve known for ten years suddenly no longer speaks to me.

This year as a whole has been dirt.

Had I known that Saturday would be the last happy time my (possibly ex) boyfriend would have together, I wouldn’t have posted about it.

To get into that story: I tried to help him find another job, and I did, but he refused to fill out the application because of the question that asks for consent to a drug test. Turns out he was joking (how the heck that’s a joke, I still don’t know), but I flew off the handle and I didn’t want to talk to him any more after that. I have enough deadbeats in my family. I didn’t need another one. Even after he explained himself, I still didn’t trust him and I didn’t think we were going to reconcile from that (we had already reconciled once back in June). He did apologize and admit the joke was in poor taste, and he ended up passing the drug test (cotton swab) anyway. Before he did, however, I ended up going back on the dating site we met.

You can see where this is going.

I did not think our relationship was recovering from that, I was tired of being angry, and I had no one to talk to. I went on the site to seek out people. Guilt ended up crushing me, and in the end, I spoke to two people for three days before uninstalling the app from my phone. Neither conversation went beyond “how are you” and “how was your day”, and one of the two stopped right after “hi”. I later confessed what I did to my (ex?)boyfriend. He first said he didn’t care, but later that he did and didn’t know if he could forgive me for that. Later on, he said he could and he did, but again, changed his mind and he forgave me, but couldn’t completely trust me yet. And minutes later, that he couldn’t forgive me fully at all. I expected that, but I don’t think even he knows if he can forgive me. And I don’t expect him to.

Back when we fought in June, we broke up (or I thought we did) and I blocked him from every way of contacting me. I guess I should’ve kept it that way. I never expected him to forgive me, or trust me again after what I admitted, but I find no point in spending time with him if he doesn’t. Everything I do will be viewed with the suspicion of cheating and it’ll be an endless loop of me desperately trying to prove I’m not. Again, I expect that and he has every right and reason to, but I see no point in putting either of us through that. I’d rather keep my distance until he figures out if he can forgive me or not. And if not, well, I guess I’ll already have adjusted to being without him.

For those wondering who goes on a dating app without the intention of dating, the answer is someone who’s lonely as heck and has no one to talk to about her problems. My friends are too busy, my family is not reliable, and my relationship with him was on the rocks before I confessed this. Yes, I was that desperate, and when has desperation ever lead me to make good decisions? I’m not excusing it. Hence why I don’t expect him to forgive or trust me again. August has sixteen days left and I don’t expect our relationship (if it still exists) to make it out of the month in tact. If nothing else, the tables have certainly turned (usually, I’m the one doing the forgiving; he’s lashed out at me twice, one of which involved going behind my back to my sister).

And no, I’m not going back to dating if he does cut ties with me. He’d be well within reason to, but I’ll regret I ever started in the first place (not to mention the waste of four years). I’d rather live and die alone than re-enter the dating world. At least that way, I’m the only one who gets hurt and the only time I waste is mine. Some people say as long as I enjoyed those years, they aren’t a waste, but I don’t do casual dating. I date with the intent of finding someone to spend my life with. If it doesn’t work out, yes, the time is a waste and no amount of sugarcoating will change that.

What A Saturday Should Be

The following is purely my opinion. Like everything else non-factual on this blog.

I would say my new job is going well, but at only two days in, past experiences have taught me not to be excited. Yesterday, I worked my standard four hours (I love, love, love having a set schedule!) and left to enjoy a day out with my boyfriend. The plan was to go from to the pool, but delays made him late, so I stopped at home to drop my purse off and eat something before going back out.

We got to the pool an hour after they opened. We took some pictures, a few seconds out of our two-hour stay. Unfortunately, the clouds wouldn’t stay out of the sun’s way for long, but we enjoyed the water nonetheless, though I may have enjoyed it a bit more than him. Nevertheless, he said he had a good time. Yay!

I didn’t get bored of the pool, but I did get hungry, and the food stall at the pool accepted only cash. So, after I took a jump into the pool and unpleasantly drew water into my nose, my boyfriend and I called an end to our pool time and got back into our regular clothes. We settled on going to Pizza Hut, which has become much fancier since I last visited any location, which was so long ago, I can’t remember it. He pepperoni pizza, I got pasta with chicken, and we shared the cinnamon sticks I ordered.

Lunch was over and to avoid being out too late (we both had to work early, after all!), he decided it was time to go home. Despite I was tired from not yet getting any sleep, I waited with him until his bus came. We hugged and kissed goodbye, and unless tragedy strikes, we will see each other next weekend. But as much as I hate to think about it, you never know which “I love you” will be the last.

Though I wish I didn’t need to work, four hours is nothing to complain about, especially when I still had the whole day ahead of me. In my eyes, this was a perfect Saturday, and this is what the weekend is for. Sitting by the poolside with someone I love, playing in the water without a care for anything except how long we’re staying. A few hours of work, if really necessary, with the most of the day still ahead of you instead of long hours into a late night where your only solace is a half-hour to eat.

I said it in my last post: Money can’t replace time. If I worked a standard day at my retail job, I would’ve made $62 to $78 (after taxes), which is a lot of money to me, but I also would’ve missed out on an amazing day and more memories with my love. Unlike retail, summer does not last all year round in this state. Sure, you could argue there’s always abother day or other things to do, but the same applies to retail. That store will never not need help (in fact, our store manager recently left and new hires last around two months on average, so to say they need help is an understatement; the receiving manager actually begged for me to work on one of my days off), so I’ll always have more chances to work there if I really need extra money. But time with my boyfriend is not infinite and we don’t always know when we’ll be able to see each other again. If memories had a price, I’d say that Saturday was well worth $78.

They can’t all be good weekends, but here’s to hoping next weekend makes the week worth trudging through.

A 180-degree Turn of Events

Summer is winding down. High school resumes on September 10th and the local community college begins classes in exactly two weeks.

I posted so much about taking a gap year, wanting to commute, and being willing to make the necessary sacrifices. Well, there was one I wasn’t willing to make: money.

The tuition of the college I originally wanted to attend skyrocketed. It went from just above $7,300 to a giant $48,000! I mentioned this to a friend who will be a college sophomore this year and he said (jokingly) that’s why he hates college. But $48,000 is in no way affordable to me right now and it wouldn’t be affordable to me at the end of my gap year either.

So, I decided I’m not taking a gap year after all. Instead, I’m going to the local college in my town. The best part is my best friend is also attending. It’s highly unlikely we will share any classes, but it’s an excuse to get together everyday since we can meet up before classes start or after they finish, assuming they do so at the same time. And if not, we can still meet up afterwards on occasion. Yes, being in any place where my friends also currently are makes me very happy. 🙂

But it’s amazing how fast plans can change. Still, no complaints. I can afford it, and I’ll be with my best friend. Life is good. At least, for now.

Summery Plans

I had some summer plans last year, but unsurprisingly, none of them happened. Well, one did, but that was because of my school’s summer program. We went to the beach on the last day. But besides that, I didn’t do any of the others. However, I plan for this summer to be different. Since I’m no longer coddled like an infant and won’t have to rely on someone else for transportation, things will be easier.

  • Find work. Not just a summer job. I want one that can last through college. At the very least, last until I start college. If I can work in the evening, that’ll be great, but I’ll take anything.
  • Renew my library card. This was something on my list for last year, but no one wanted to go to the library, so I couldn’t. Now, I can go alone.
  • Attain my driver’s license. This makes me anxious. With everything that’s happened with my grandfather’s car, I’m not even sure I want my own, let alone be behind the wheel. But I really want to have my license.
  • Spend time out of the house and outside of camp. I love to stay indoors, but the main reason I don’t go out is because I can’t go alone. Since I’ll be able to, I want to spend a little more time outdoors. Whether that’s just taking walks, hanging around the game store, or window-shopping, I want to be outside for some time.

My list is shorter than last year, but that’s more because they’re not only confined to summer. Since I’ll finally be out of school, I can’t really call it a break anymore. Plus, ultimately, there is one goal I have that these fall under.

Enjoy my gap year!