31 Days Remain

December 1st of 2020. It has been a very long year that cannot end quickly enough.

Yet, I find myself stuck between a rock and a hard place. As desperate as I am for 2020 to end, I am not at all looking forward to 2021.

Unfortunately, the one solution to that is one that’s very difficult.

I’m angry I couldn’t do it ten years ago. I find myself resenting the night of my accident didn’t do it for me. I resent the other two occasions I was nearly killed didn’t do it for me.

I do not want to be here any longer.

There is no point. There is no light. I’ve never been someone who was fascinated by dystopian novels and societies (Isn’t that really what history is?), so I can’t share in my friends’ ideas of enjoying the ride. I want to jump off the train.

Or the train to throw me off.

Fear of pain and greater fear of any method failing is what keeps me from trying. Any method that would be nearly a guarantee is inaccessible.

Which means I’m stuck here.

My boyfriend tells me there’s nothing better after life. No one living knows that. More so, there’s nothing in life worth living every day wishing you won’t awaken to see the next.

No, cute animals don’t make up for it.

I won’t buy a calendar for 2021. Unless I somehow finally find the bravery to make an attempt to take myself out, I’m merely going through the days. And no, “choosing to live” is not brave for me. I’m not choosing to. I’m stuck. I can’t not.

I know very well of the notion suicide is selfish. Funny how “selfish” is always said when someone can’t get their way out of someone else.

Perhaps trying so hard not to be “selfish” is part of why I feel this way.

I didn’t choose to create my life. But I got it, it’s mine, and I think I should be able to end it.

“I brought you into this world and I can take you out!”

Well, why didn’t you?

I hate humanity, part 2

On Tumblr, this post of safety tips came across my blog. Most of the tips are about avoiding getting murdered in a car. And it makes me think, “Why have a car in the first place?”

Seriously. If I have to be afraid of being killed because I sit idle in my car for more than a second, why even own one in the first place?

The post even lists stairwells as being fatal places. Great, so I’ve got to worry about being mugged and murdered just because I want to use my legs a little more. That’s just freakin’ lovely.

I’m sorry, but if anything, this list is a good damn reason to commit suicide. Why would anyone want to live in such an incredibly dangerous world? Why would anyone want to bring more people into this indescribably horrific world? And no, the wonders of the world and the little things do not make up for this. The beauty of a daisy will not revive a murdered person.

I don’t care how awful I may be for saying this, but the human race as a whole needs to die. This post basically means merely being alive is dangerous, and if one’s life is in constant danger just from living it, why even have it? The human race is the worst species in existence.


There are three topics that get deeply under my skin: abortion, rape, and bullying. This post is about the last of those three.


This 11-year-old child was driven to suicide because his a**hole little classmates wouldn’t stop bullying him. And no, I do not care that I just called a group of kids a**holes. Why should I? Look what they did to this kid!

I dealt with bullying every year I was in school. I know what it feels like. I know how it feels to be suicidal. Knowing what happened to this child makes me want to bust through a wall. What really angers me is many people would say the kid simply shouldn’t have kept the backpack. Why? Because a bunch of little f***ing brats don’t know how to behave?! If it were possible and I were in charge of the school, I’d round up every kid who tortured this child, make them apologize to his face, and suspend them from school.

Moreso, this is one of the big reasons I do not want to be a parent. If this boy were my son, I would’ve found a way to bring down hell on Earth for him having to deal with that nonsense. And if one of his bullies were my child, his/her life would become miserable. No, I wouldn’t hit them or even yell at them. Just strip them of every privilege available for a period of time and have them apologize to that child directly with a gift included.

I hated school when I was attending and I still hate it, despite that I no longer attend. Why? This. In fact, I’d say I hate it even more because this nonsense is still happening and it always will be.

If I Had Killed Myself…

Months ago, I talked about how I struggle with depression. I can’t say whether it’s gotten better or worse. What I can say is it has gotten better since 2010, when it reached its peak. To make a long story short, age 16 was the worst year for me with depression. I was fighting every hour of the day to not do injure myself, let alone kill myself. I am much better now and although it’s only been three years, I can say I am glad I didn’t kill myself. Sometimes, I have mixed feelings about it, but overall, I am glad I didn’t.

If I had killed myself, I wouldn’t…

  • Have met my best friend, or my pen pal in Britain. Both are very sweet, fun, adorable girls and I am so glad to know them.
  • Have met my clinician, who I absolutely love, admire, and adore.
  • Have met two nice guys. Remember the one who dumped me for being asexual? He messaged me again and I gave him a second chance. So far, he’s proven he has patience.
  • Have become a part of a great Sims 3 community. It’s a Facebook group I’m a part of and they’re very nice people. They make the game more fun for me.
  • Have become a part of the childfree community. In fact, I would’ve never known the word “childfree” existed!
  • Have graduated high school. Well, I would’ve been dead, so it wouldn’t have mattered anyway, but the smallest thing I ever wanted to do, besides reach 18, was finish high school.
  • Have seen age 18. Next milestone age is 21.
  • Be getting an iPad Air next year. Granted, I would’ve never gotten into them if my school hadn’t given them out during my junior year, but too late now.

Bad things have still happened, of course, but I really couldn’t care less. For one, none of it permanently affects me. Two, the above is far more worth it. On New Year’s Eve, I will do a “best days” list for 2013. I think I’ll repeat the list for 2014. It really was fun to do and a great way to remind myself of some good times.


She’s Right and She’s Wrong

I don’t like to be serious, but there’s something I really want to talk about.

On the 1st of January, I posted about possibly being in love with my pen pal from the United Kingdom. While this post isn’t exactly about her, she’s a part of it.

My friend hasn’t been dealt the best hand in life. She has gone through a lot and still is. Back in December, she was having a really bad day. I don’t think anything in particular happened on that day. She was just fed up and feeling very frustrated with a few things. But that was the day she told me she was planning to commit suicide in the upcoming months (I know which one, specifically). As her friend, and someone who cares about people in general, I was horrified when she told me that, but moreso when she said the plans were made in October. I didn’t start speaking to her until November, which means she could’ve been dead already. That thought scares me. Fortunately, she was feeling better the next day and we were able to have a funny and friendly conversation.

Suicide didn’t come up again until last weekend. I brought it up by mentioning a post on one of my Tumblr blogs. I wasn’t intending to make her mention it, but she did and I asked her how she would carry her plans out if she were to follow through with them. Bleach and sleeping pills obtained from her doctor while her family was out. Smart girl.

One of the things I’m big on with friendship is trust. For me, that essentially means I don’t gossip about my friends and tell their business to others, even if there’s no chance they will find out. However, I was worried about her, so I mentioned her suicidal ideas to my own psychologist. I had told her before my friend was depressed and suicidal, which was a mistake because it got her called a drama queen. Today, I told how she would go about carrying her plans out if she wanted to. Now, here’s where the reason for the title of this post comes in.

Telling my friend’s plan proved how serious she was, but my clinician gave me a bad suggestion in response. She told me to tell my friend’s mother about her intentions. In any other circumstance, this would be wise, but not here for the simple reason that my friend’s mother doesn’t care about her. At least, not her mental health. She knows my friend is mentally unwell, but doesn’t help her. In fact, she harms her. I wouldn’t be able to talk to her anyway, but if I could, I wouldn’t do it. Unfortunately, my clinician didn’t understand this. While I do only have one side of the story (my friend’s), the fact of the matter is that nothing my friend could do would make her deserve being treated the way she is.

My clinician’s second suggestion was not any better. She suggested I trick my friend into giving me her address so I could tell her mother of her intentions that way. Ignoring the break in my friend’s trust that would result, I don’t trick my friends unless it’s April Fool’s Day. Of course, she said betrayal was better than death and while she may be right, there is something she just does not understand.

If my friend really wants to kill herself, she will and no one will be able to stop her. However, she doesn’t want to die. She wants to get out of her current situation. Why would I do something that could make her situation worse? She’s already hit rock bottom and is trying to climb back up. Why would I knock her back down and pull her under?

Also, as someone who’s dealt with depression and feeling suicidal, I can honestly say betrayal is not something to be taken lightly if you want to help someone. Someone who’s depressed already feels like the world is caving in on them. Broken trust is the absolute last thing needed. You can’t force someone out of depression through any means, not even professional assistance. I was forced into therapy and counseling and all that resulted was a hatred and distrust of certain authority figures. Now, yes, I’m one person, but it happens more than you might think. If it’s absolutely certain the help will be beneficial, then risk it, but otherwise, find another way unless there is imminent danger.

Simply put, this is one case where my clinician is wrong. She’s right in that my friend needs help, but wrong in her suggestions to go about it. If I can do more for my friend than talk to her and she lets me know, I will do it, but I absolutely refuse to do something that involves breaking my friend’s trust. As I said, if she genuinely wants to die, she will kill herself, regardless of who interferes or tries to and I’ll only prolong her pain. I have told her she can talk to me if she needs or wants to and if I should ever receive a “goodbye” email from her, I will be sad in knowing she won’t be here much longer, but I’ll be happy with the knowledge that she’s not in pain any longer.

And, whether or not I am in love with her, I will tell her I love her and will miss her. It wouldn’t be a lie because, platonically, I love all my friends and she is no exception.