Nine Years Ago

No words. Only acknowledgement. My blog started nine years ago and still exists. Yes, I’m surprised. But happy.

“Stop Being Poor!”

My last post on this subject was in March of last year. Didn’t think I’d do it again, but it seems I found one I considered too good to not revive this little topic from its ashes on my blog. Granted, I have only four posts in total about it, so I wasn’t frequent with it anyway.

So much bundled in here! I think this is YouTube, and according to the user who shared this image, these are all by the same person. To say they’re “compensating for something” might be an understatement.

Well, let’s play!

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Hope

I sincerely believe this lockdown will last for the remainder of 2020 and well into 2021.April 2020

Unfortunately, it seems I was correct. What I was wrong about was the rare possibility of reopening my blog in 2021. I’m going to do that now.

My shutdown post wasn’t for the sake of attention. Every word in that post is what I felt at the time. Suicidal feelings are strong, and I’m beginning to think I may struggle with them for the rest of my life, despite a decade passing before I felt that terribly again (although the first time, the mental struggle didn’t end for three years). That actually makes me wish that much more my life had not come into being. Struggling with the concept of your mere existence isn’t fun, to put it mildly.

As I said in that post, the only reason I am still here is I’ve yet to be able to intentionally bring harm upon my body, and I truly resent that incapability. However, a huge part of what drove the feelings that led me to write that post and shut down my blog was fear.

…if going outside absolutely dooms people to the virus and death, if it’s terrifying enough for suicide to be a better option

This post was in April. It’s now July. Yes, I was that scared of getting sick. That’s what hearing “stay home or people will die” will do to a person.

Months later, it’s now occurred to me… people really like to preach and pat themselves on the back.

The term I’ve found for it is “virtue signaling”, and if nothing else, I’ve realized life on the internet is really unhealthy. That’s nothing new, but with the economy on death’s door, the viciousness seems more blatant. If you ask social media, going outside is a crime akin to manslaughter and worthy of the death penalty. Offline? Nobody cares.

…people being arrested for being outside, celebrations being broken up…

Including the police. At least, in my town. My neighborhood had an unofficial little block party for the fireworks. The cops came by… and didn’t give two cents. They asked for a car that was double-parked to be moved, and told a couple to stop shooting fireworks off their lawn, not to ruin our fun, but because it posed a hazard. This was at night, after the city’s curfew (9pm). No arrests, no citations. Just wanting to stop safety hazards. The officer moved on – never got out of his cruiser! – leaving us to enjoy the unofficial fireworks show we were getting from the distance.

Watching those fireworks with neighbors as meringue music played. Somehow, I was so incredibly happy. The happiest I’ve been this year.

Today, I went to the beach. I haven’t been to the beach since 2013 or 2014. I prefer the pool, but the one I usually go to is under construction until late 2021, and the other open pools require summer memberships. Thus, the beach was my only viable option. It was nearly a one hour drive (oh, yeah; I got a new car in May), but a one hour drive that was worth it. Though I wished I had someone with me, I still had a great time and spent seven hours – from their opening to their closing – at the beach. The weather was perfect. Somehow, when I was enjoying myself in the water, all of these thoughts came to mind. Everyone was here to have fun. This is not what the internet would want to see, but this wasn’t the internet. It was real.

And somehow, I began to think if I really have to be here – if I can’t find the strength to take my life away – I’ll have to make the best of it. The more I pull away from the internet, especially social media, the more I see not only isn’t it a substitute for life offline, but it never came close.

That also means I am done feeling guilty for taking care of myself. I take care of a household. The internet expects everyone to be responsible for everyone. No. People say “think of someone besides yourself” until the people you think of are personal to you. You’re supposed to care about utter strangers, but not your family and friends. That is, unless said family and friends agree with the internet. Then, it’s okay to care about them.

While I was enjoying the fireworks last night and the beach day, I also thought about my relationship. My boyfriend and I are still a couple, but I do think the relationship may have run its course. In those moments, I wished he was with me, but I still enjoyed myself without him. Regarding the beach, I know I would’ve been waiting on him to get up and get ready because he almost never wakes up in the morning. It was very nice to be able to just go.

Simply put, we will not be partners in life. I want someone to actually share the responsibility of a household we build together, not someone whose idea of living together is me solely being responsible for a home while he lives in a parked RV nearby and still visits occasionally. The tension in our relationship has gotten so noticeable, even his sister believes I may call it quits, and I’m unsure she’s wrong (side note: his sister and niece have the same frustrations with him that I do). I said at least once I could imagine my life without him, but I don’t want to. Seems it’s called the “honeymoon phase” for a reason. I want him in my life, but I’m not so opposed to the idea of him not being there anymore, especially when I’m seeing I don’t miss him when I am having fun so much as I miss company. Had I watched the fireworks, danced to the music, or visited the beach with a friend, that longing to have someone with me wouldn’t have existed.

I want companionship, not specifically romance. I really wonder if coming to these realizations may spell the end of our relationship. I haven’t checked out yet – it’s not foregone – but it may be getting there. As for his sleeping late specifically, I now don’t care to bother. If he doesn’t get up, I go alone.

This post is titled “Hope”, but it’s not because I have hope for 2020, 2021, humanity, or my life. There’s definitely a chance down the road I will regret this post and the feelings that led me to shut down my blog will resurface. I really hate I’m not someone who’s glad to be alive and instead just making the best of being forced into existence since I’ve not found the strength to terminate. This post’s title is for the mere fact I want that to not be the case. I do hope I don’t regret this post and re-opening my blog. Only time will determine that.

In the meantime, I won’t feel guilty or ashamed for not being a hikikomori like Reddit, Facebook, and Twitter deem I should. Am I a murderer? The internet would say yes.

But I’m not sorry I don’t live online.

Eight Years Running

When I first created this blog in 2012, I didn’t think it would last long. Most blogs I’ve had die within a year. This blog has unarguably had its ups and downs of activity, but I’ve somehow managed to keep it going.

A “blog-iversary” isn’t exciting, but I am a little surprised each year this blog stays alive. I always expect to make a goodbye post somewhere down the line, yet somehow, I find the motivation (and content) to continue posting. Part of me wishes I started this blog in 2010 so I could already say it’s been ten years. I suppose I’ll have to keep waiting.

The most unexpected thing is this blog has, in a way, turned into a record of my life. I created it with the intention of ranting and talking about random things on my mind. I’ve done that, but so many of these posts speak of my regular life and not-so-random nuisances too. Maybe I should’ve expected that, but since I didn’t expect this blog to last so long to begin with, I can’t help being a little shocked by the unintentional record I created. I have no regrets, however.

Some of my earlier posts embarrass me and I don’t want to remember I wrote those. Not necessarily because my feelings are different, but simply because of how I wrote them. Then again, there’s a reason I say I’d hit my younger self over the head.

Knowing this blog has survived so long, I now want to keep it going until I can’t anymore. I can’t picture how long it will last, and I will probably be surprised by any length of time, but I do hope the inevitable end is very far down the road.

Shame, Audacity, Entitlement

I swear I am not trying to make this a series. I simply couldn’t resist these.

An anti-MLM account I follow posted these. There are two things MLM sellers are good at: shaming, and having zero shame. Right now, many are using the response to the coronavirus pandemic to try to recruit people into their schemes. They’re notorious for using 9/11 and close family members’ deaths, so I can’t say I’m shocked.

These particular posts caught my eye not only for their attempt at shaming and their audacity, but the sheer entitlement! I am no angel, but if I ever speak like this, I give all my loved ones explicit permission to smack me in the head until I regain common sense. Or until I lose consciousness. Whichever occurs first.

At the same time, it’s hilarious. Remember, these are people who claim to run their own business. Even if what they do was legitimate, who would want to work with a business owner who behaves like this?

Clearly, this person has never heard of payment plans. Also, the only company with a phone that expensive is Apple, and even that applies only to their latest phone, the iPhone 11 Pro. The phone’s price is dependent upon how much space you choose. Speaking for myself, my smartphone was $200, but smartphones nowadays can cost as little $30. Technology marches on.

Mentioning Starbucks is common and I’m really eager to know who buys Starbucks every day. No, that’s not sarcasm. I hate coffee, so I guess the equivalent for me would be chocolate, but even I can’t eat chocolate every day. I’d quickly grow sick of the taste. But if someone really is buying a $7 cup of Starbucks every day, I’d imagine that $210 a month isn’t putting a dent in their wallet. In other words, they probably don’t need extra income and aren’t seeking it.

This one could be a good message if it weren’t to promote MLM! There is a lot to unpack in this one.

Healthy groceries ($100) “too expensive”

Dinner date ($100) “reasonable”

Maybe to someone who makes $50K a year after taxes. My boyfriend and I went out many times prior to lockdown. The bill never hit $100. Also, I’m sure most people wish their families ate only $100 a month worth of groceries! I’d love if mine did! I buy $100 worth of groceries and they’re gone in a week. I’d save a lot of money if eating weren’t a necessity.

Therapist ($130) “absurd”

Trip to Target ($130) “great deals!”

Yes, it is absurd some people can’t get mental healthcare because they can’t afford it. To my knowledge, some insurance will cover it, but it can be a fight. That is a shame. As for Target, or any big box store, if you need things like appliances and furniture, getting those things for $130 total really might be a great deal! I found a sturdy dresser with seven drawers for under $100 on Amazon.

Average college class ($1,000) “expensive”

iPhone ($1,000) “a necessity”

Most people use financial aid to afford college if their income is that low. And what those subjects have in common is, as I said above, payment plans. Though I wouldn’t advise it, you can lease an iPhone. If financial aid doesn’t cover the full cost of college, most people can work something out with the school. Note that schools are also a business.

Kid’s summer camp ($180) “too much”

New pair of shoes ($180) “they were on sale”

Hahahahaha!! This is one I’m almost certain would be the other way around. And let me say summer camp isn’t a necessity and there’s nothing wrong with a parent treating themselves to a new pair of shoes. Also, new shoes do not have to cost $180 to be of good quality. I wonder if there is some projection in these examples.

60 minutes of exercise “I wish I had time!”

60 minutes on Instagram “OMG time flies!”

I’ll give a small pass for this one, if only for it being the least ridiculous comparison. However, you can do one hour of exercise and one hour of surfing on Instagram in the same day. Thus, I think this is moot.

60 minutes working your business – “I’m too busy”

60 minutes on Netflix – “Another episode!”

I prefer Hulu and Prime Video (for Pokemon), but Netflix and Disney+ rock too. And again, you can use two hours in a day separately. Well, if work took only an hour.

30 minutes of self-development – “I don’t feel like it.”

30 minutes of a murder mystery podcast – “let’s listen to another

I’m beginning to feel like this person has a weird sense of time. And what does self-development mean in this context? Reading a book about self-love?

Health products ($100) “too expensive”

Starbucks every other day ($100) “I need it”

Exactly what kind of health products are we talking about here? Health products can be a “treat” too. If they were a necessity, they’d probably be prescribed by a doctor.

Like I said, the context of this is what makes it terrible more than the message itself. I don’t totally hate this one, but it ultimately is still shaming people for how they spend their time and money. I could see this one being okay only if someone were constantly complaining, and still not for the sake of promoting MLM.

If someone is prioritizing eating, I think they have their priorities correct.

This one is funny and enraging because the entitlement is so blatant! She really thinks people shouldn’t buy themselves clothing, should customize their social media how she wants, and shouldn’t use products they are familiar with (if someone is subscribed, they likely know what comes in the box) and works well for their skin.

No, in a year, I’m going to still be pointing and laughing.

Last, but sadly, not least:

I can’t stop laughing. She is angry. She calls other people’s lives bad and assumes they’re unhappy because they refused to buy from her. She is really angry people spent their money on what they want instead of buying from her because she begged. And now, they won’t get a free oil set! What a pity!

If she’s in bad debt, that sucks, but that’s ultimately her problem. She can’t rely on other people to pay off her debt for her.