I’m So Confused…

Somehow, I managed to get a boyfriend. I’m happy about that and, better yet, my feelings for Emmi are fading. I admit I’m still occasionally tempted to try to mend things with him, but I never act on it. I don’t hate Emmi, however. I do hope he’s doing well.

Getting to the point of this post, Jia (again, I know it’s a female name, but it was considered unisex on the site I got it from) and I met up yesterday to hang out together. This is the third time we’ve met up, but unlike the previous two times, we got “intimate”. I put that in quotations because it was really Jia kissing me all over my face and neck, and feeling me up. I admit I liked it, hence why I allowed him to continue doing it, but the point of this was to try to arouse me. He certainly got aroused (if his breathing growing heavily was any indication), but I merely sat there and wondered what the heck I’m supposed to do.

As I said, I liked it, but I was not aroused at all. It simply felt good and he wasn’t hurting me. It also felt strange, I’ll admit, but still good. I told him I cannot be aroused and it seems he took that as a challenge. He wants to find what can arouse me. I told him, “Good luck.”

I’m not sure if he noticed or not, but, in spite of liking what he was doing to me, I was more interested in the park we were in than his attempts to arouse me. I paid more attention to the other people in the park, their dogs, the plants, the birds, the dirt,  and even the sunlight. Whenever someone walked past us, especially a child, he stopped. I would secretly hope more people would walk by so there’d be an excuse to discontinue his…umm…acts (I don’t what you’d call a bunch of kissing that’s not on the lips). Of course, I could’ve told him to stop too, but I wasn’t disinterested in him. I merely found the park more interesting.

That’s confusing, isn’t it? Yeah, I think I understand why Emmi got fed up. I would’ve driven him up a wall.

Some other things I don’t understand. Jia likes my stomach and repeatedly called it “sexy” and I think he also said it was tight. My mental reaction was basically “umm…okay.” I didn’t get it. It was just my stomach. The same stomach I’ve had since I was born. Was it supposed to be something else? When he was feeling me up, he also said my nipples were hard, which he said means someone is aroused. My reaction to that was the same as my reaction to him liking my stomach. Nothing on my body felt any way than it usually did. Honestly, I wish I could’ve felt whatever he was feeling because I do not get it. I really don’t. I’m also not understanding what is so attractive about my neck. Or my shoulders. Or my hands, which he also kissed. Or my bra straps. Well, okay, I kind of understand the last one since it holds my breasts, but he also liked the bra itself. Aren’t I the only one supposed to like that?

As the title says, I’m so confused.

Bye Bye, Emmi…

I have a broken heart tonight. And for once, it’s my fault.

I broke it off with Emmi. Just to be clear, he did not do anything wrong. He didn’t hurt me in any way.

I planned to meet him this Tuesday. I knew he wanted to do sexual activities when we met up and I was fine with that. Meeting up was my idea entirely. But when he described exactly the kind of stuff he wanted to do with me, it was too much. I couldn’t stomach it. I literally felt sick. To put it lightly, it wasn’t what I was expecting.

After that, I knew I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t go through with it. So I told him he’s going to have to find another girl. One who’s more…sexual, to say the least. Of course, he wasn’t happy and we are no longer talking, but I guess it’s better this happened before things got serious.

Yet, despite never meeting him, my heart is broken. It’s broken and it’s my fault. I broke it. But now, I know better. I know I can’t handle a sexual relationship. I know I am not ready for that. Being asexual, I’m not sure I ever will be. But that’s fine. There’s nothing wrong with me. Maybe I’ll find a another asexual person someday, but if not, I can live with it.

One thing is certain. I listened to my own intuition and I’ve never been happier that I did. I still like him, hence why my heart is broken, but I’ll get over it. I’ll be okay.

The First Time…

2014 may be a special year for me. There are many reasons why, but one has me anxious. It may be the year I lose my virginity.

The guy I’ve been talking to since late last year has shown himself to be good-natured and patient, believe it or not. Last night, we were having a nice conversation and he turned something innocuous I said into something sexual (he knew what I meant). He was only kidding, but I kept up the joke and eventually, we got into talking about actually meeting up to have sexual relations (not intercourse).

He’s not pressuring me. In fact, had I not kept up the joke that initiated the conversation, we would’ve continued talking about normal everyday stuff. But I sincerely want to participate with him. What’s keeping me from outright saying yes is anxiety (which he picked up on). I’m nervous about merely letting someone touch me sexually, let alone having sex with someone. It’s not out of fear that he’ll hurt me. It’s doing something I normally wouldn’t allow to happen.

As I said, I want to participate with him. I really do not feel he’s trying to make me and I do have feelings for him. I asked for advice on an asexuality forum, but all I got was the generic “do what feels right”. Well, duh. What else am I supposed to do? The thing is I have desire battling anxiety, so both options are at a stalemate. I could regret simply meeting up with him because I’m so anxious, but I could also regret not doing so because I want to.

It looks like this is something I can’t take much advice on and will just have to decide on my own. I don’t need sexual activities of any kind, but I want to have them at least once. No matter how long I wait, even if it’s twenty years, I will be nervous. I know that doesn’t mean I have to do it now, but I’m not sure I want to wait until much later either, as conflicting as that sounds. I just have to decide which is better to listen to: my desire, which will potentially make me happy, or my anxiety, which will potentially be protecting me.