Red Flags

Since I was feeling so upset about Emmi, I posted about it on one of the forums I frequent. I got a ton of support and everyone basically told me I did the right thing and I have nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty about. That helped a ton and I am feeling better.

What’s really interesting is that the posters saw a lot of red flags that I didn’t. Such as:

  • Discussing sexual intentions with someone he’s never met face-to-face. Seeing as waiting until marriage isn’t a thing anymore and I lack experience with relationships, I assumed this was normal.
  • Him no longer wanting to speak to me, despite saying a mere moment earlier that it was alright if I still wanted to talk.
  • His refusal to meet on weekends. The reason he gave is his parents kept him busy, but the posters think he may have someone else.
  • One I saw: his insistence on meeting at night and going to a private place hidden by trees. This is why I postponed meeting him for so long in the first place. Even if he is harmless (and I do believe he is), I don’t like the idea of being somewhere “secret” or performing sexual acts in his car, for that matter.
  • That he seemed to only want a hook-up relationship. Even if I were not asexual, I would not like the idea of every time we got together preceding sex.

While I was never playing with his heart, I’m beginning to wonder if he was playing with mine. He knows I have no experience whatsoever, yet he still spoke explicitly about sex. I’d think he’d realize I would’ve freaked out if he spoke like that.

It doesn’t matter anymore, but I’m even happier we never met face-to-face now. I’m not going to give up entirely on meeting someone, but I’m going to stop looking for the time being and keep away from dating sites (where I met him). I wish the best to any woman he does end up with and I hope she has a sex drive as high as outer space. She will need it.

Bye Bye, Emmi…

I have a broken heart tonight. And for once, it’s my fault.

I broke it off with Emmi. Just to be clear, he did not do anything wrong. He didn’t hurt me in any way.

I planned to meet him this Tuesday. I knew he wanted to do sexual activities when we met up and I was fine with that. Meeting up was my idea entirely. But when he described exactly the kind of stuff he wanted to do with me, it was too much. I couldn’t stomach it. I literally felt sick. To put it lightly, it wasn’t what I was expecting.

After that, I knew I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t go through with it. So I told him he’s going to have to find another girl. One who’s more…sexual, to say the least. Of course, he wasn’t happy and we are no longer talking, but I guess it’s better this happened before things got serious.

Yet, despite never meeting him, my heart is broken. It’s broken and it’s my fault. I broke it. But now, I know better. I know I can’t handle a sexual relationship. I know I am not ready for that. Being asexual, I’m not sure I ever will be. But that’s fine. There’s nothing wrong with me. Maybe I’ll find a another asexual person someday, but if not, I can live with it.

One thing is certain. I listened to my own intuition and I’ve never been happier that I did. I still like him, hence why my heart is broken, but I’ll get over it. I’ll be okay.

Paranoia

Emmi and I had an argument recently. It’s the second argument we’ve had, but it was over the same topic: sex. I must admit it wasn’t as bad as the first argument. We made up more quickly this time, and it got amusing at one point. Maybe he wasn’t laughing, but I was. Specifically, it was when we resorted to name-calling that made me laugh. Funny how we can both be childish as hell, but neither of us will admit it.

However, unlike the last argument, he was justified with this one. Not in everything he said (Emmi can be damn cold-hearted when he’s angry), but what he was mad over itself, yes. Long story short, he was angry about me for stretching his patience and not having done anything sexual with him. Emmi is someone who needs sex while I couldn’t care less about it, despite that I’m willing to give it to him. Emmi also knows I am an overly paranoid person, though I don’t know how arguing with me is going to fix that. Granted, it’s fun to watch him turn into a big baby over not getting what he wants, but get over it.

Here’s what Emmi doesn’t know. I have reason to be as paranoid as I am. I’ve told Emmi enough for him to know that I have a long list of problems. He knows (or should know by now) that I am screwed up. I’ve been betrayed by the people who I should’ve been able to count when I was growing up, and I’ve been let down numerous times by people who I was sure I could count on. The list of people who have stabbed me in the back is probably at least twice Emmi’s age. On top of that, my family, though they’re hypocrites for it, taught me to be fearful of everything and everyone I don’t know, and that’s not a mindset I can get over in a snap. I trust Emmi to an extent. If I could do a scale, I’d say Emmi is past my family, but not even close to my best friend.

Emmi also seems to think I like being as paranoid and anxious as I am, but the truth is I don’t. I hate it. I hate it with a passion and wish I could just get rid of as if I were throwing away a worn-out pair of socks. Honestly, I feel bad for making Emmi put up with me and I have to wonder why he hasn’t given up and found someone with less problems than I have or none at all. His town’s population is likely around the same as mine. He’s got options. I don’t mean to sound like I’m trying to make him give up because I certainly am not, but when all is said and done, Emmi really doesn’t deserve to have to deal with me. I just wish he would stop taking my issues so personally.

I don’t even think this is strictly a “sexual versus asexual” problem because, as I said, I’m willing to give it to him. I think the problem is two people with a polar opposite need who are both ridiculously hard-headed. At our worst, neither of us will hear what the other has to say and nothing will work if we don’t get that solved.

The First Time…

2014 may be a special year for me. There are many reasons why, but one has me anxious. It may be the year I lose my virginity.

The guy I’ve been talking to since late last year has shown himself to be good-natured and patient, believe it or not. Last night, we were having a nice conversation and he turned something innocuous I said into something sexual (he knew what I meant). He was only kidding, but I kept up the joke and eventually, we got into talking about actually meeting up to have sexual relations (not intercourse).

He’s not pressuring me. In fact, had I not kept up the joke that initiated the conversation, we would’ve continued talking about normal everyday stuff. But I sincerely want to participate with him. What’s keeping me from outright saying yes is anxiety (which he picked up on). I’m nervous about merely letting someone touch me sexually, let alone having sex with someone. It’s not out of fear that he’ll hurt me. It’s doing something I normally wouldn’t allow to happen.

As I said, I want to participate with him. I really do not feel he’s trying to make me and I do have feelings for him. I asked for advice on an asexuality forum, but all I got was the generic “do what feels right”. Well, duh. What else am I supposed to do? The thing is I have desire battling anxiety, so both options are at a stalemate. I could regret simply meeting up with him because I’m so anxious, but I could also regret not doing so because I want to.

It looks like this is something I can’t take much advice on and will just have to decide on my own. I don’t need sexual activities of any kind, but I want to have them at least once. No matter how long I wait, even if it’s twenty years, I will be nervous. I know that doesn’t mean I have to do it now, but I’m not sure I want to wait until much later either, as conflicting as that sounds. I just have to decide which is better to listen to: my desire, which will potentially make me happy, or my anxiety, which will potentially be protecting me.