If I Had Killed Myself…

December 29, 2013 — Kaye

Months ago, I talked about how I struggle with depression. I can’t say whether it’s gotten better or worse. What I can say is it has gotten better since 2010, when it reached its peak. To make a long story short, age 16 was the worst year for me with depression. I was fighting every hour of the day to not do injure myself, let alone kill myself. I am much better now and although it’s only been three years, I can say I am glad I didn’t kill myself. Sometimes, I have mixed feelings about it, but overall, I am glad I didn’t.

If I had killed myself, I wouldn’t…

  • Have met my best friend, or my pen pal in Britain. Both are very sweet, fun, adorable girls and I am so glad to know them.
  • Have met my clinician, who I absolutely love, admire, and adore.
  • Have met two nice guys. Remember the one who dumped me for being asexual? He messaged me again and I gave him a second chance. So far, he’s proven he has patience.
  • Have become a part of a great Sims 3 community. It’s a Facebook group I’m a part of and they’re very nice people. They make the game more fun for me.
  • Have become a part of the childfree community. In fact, I would’ve never known the word “childfree” existed!
  • Have graduated high school. Well, I would’ve been dead, so it wouldn’t have mattered anyway, but the smallest thing I ever wanted to do, besides reach 18, was finish high school.
  • Have seen age 18. Next milestone age is 21.
  • Be getting an iPad Air next year. Granted, I would’ve never gotten into them if my school hadn’t given them out during my junior year, but too late now.

Bad things have still happened, of course, but I really couldn’t care less. For one, none of it permanently affects me. Two, the above is far more worth it. On New Year’s Eve, I will do a “best days” list for 2013. I think I’ll repeat the list for 2014. It really was fun to do and a great way to remind myself of some good times.

 

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Merry Christmas!

December 25, 2013 — Kaye

I made this for a group on Facebook, but I figure there’s no harm in sharing it here too:

Holiday spirit

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I’m Back…

December 12, 2013 — Kaye

Back at my grandfather’s house, I mean. I never left the blog.

Things with my mother toppled over and, long story short, she kicked me out. Well, that’s not entirely accurate. I left in the morning on December 1st to go on a trip with my father (which she was well aware of) and she decided she didn’t want me to come back. In a simple sentence, she abandoned me.

Why and how this happened, I have no idea. She was fine when I left, but became angry at me later on. I attempted to reconcile with her multiple times, but she made it clear she wasn’t interested.

On top of kicking me out, she lied to me about something serious that could’ve affected my ability to attend college, and told my relatives I pulled a knife on her, an incident that never occurred.

All she has is the remainder of my stuff, which I will attempt to get before the year is over. After that, she will have no reason to contact me, so we will have removed each other from our own lives. I admit I have struggled with some emotions about this for the past few days, but I realize I have no choice but to accept it. If she doesn’t want me, she doesn’t want me, and there is nothing I can do about it. I’d like to know where the false accusations come from (that tale about the knife is merely one), but I don’t care enough to question her. And even if I did, she’d likely deny it, as she does many things. Ironically, she says she never forgets things. I think she has selective memory, but then again, most people probably do, myself included.

I find myself surprisingly stoic about this. That is, in spite of all the mixed emotions over the past few days, I don’t feel too abnormal. Nothing really feels very  different. I’m hurt, yes, but not as much as I would expect myself to be over something like this. I’m willing to bet that doesn’t make much sense, but then, neither does this situation as a whole. At the very least, I wish she would tell me what she’s angry about.

With everything that’s occurred, I really want nothing more than for 2014 to arrive. I cannot wait for this year to be over.

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Materialism?

December 1, 2013 — Kaye

Going by dictionary definition, being materialistic means:

  1. excessively concerned with material possessions; money-oriented.

I don’t think that sounds like me. However, sometimes, I do feel materialistic. When I have days where I feel like my mind is a battlefield, I try to keep myself going by remembering things I have to look forward to, but the first thing that pops into my mind are material things. Even my list of little things to live for consists mostly of material things, and nearly half of the things on my bucket list require money as well.

Right now, what I’m looking forward to is getting an iPad Air in April. If things go well, it should happen. It’s not all I have going for me, but it’s all I can think of when worse becomes worst and I’m ready to punt myself out a window. An iPad is something I’ve wanted since my second high school began giving them to students in 2012. I have to admit it’s sort of a revenge thing. Well, not revenge, but my school gave out the iPad 2 with restrictions placed that made the darn thing worthless for out of school entertainment (good grades equaled the privilege to take them home). If I got an iPad Air, not only would I have the better device, but it’d be mine and mine alone. Sort like childish teasing. “Nyah, nyah! My iPad’s better than yours and you can’t have it!” Heh. Just thinking about that makes me laugh a bit.

Of course, if I don’t get it, I’m not going to end it all, but I will be disappointed. Not because I won’t be able to laugh at my old school, but because it is something I genuinely want for myself. Basically, it feels like something I’ve earned just for making it to that point.

I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. On one hand, as I said, it is something that keeps me going and I am buying it myself. On the other hand, I don’t like that I seem to be kept going only by material things. Then again, I guess the same could be said about living for anything or anyone besides one’s self. I know it’s a common thing for parents to say they can’t live without their children. While the loss of a child is a pain I’ll never know (and do not want to), I still don’t like the idea of being ready to kill my own self over someone else, regardless of my relation to that person.

But a materialistic person doesn’t necessarily live for possessions, correct? They will do nearly, if not absolutely, anything to get money or material, but they don’t live for it. A materialistic person would do whatever possible to get back something that was lost than settle for disappointment and move on, I’d think. Or maybe that is also living for materials. Hmm. Maybe I’m over-thinking again.

In any case, I think I’m on a good level. As long as I am aware and try to watch myself, I don’t think I need to worry.

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Bad Joke

November 24, 2013 — Kaye

Today, the weather was  freezing cold! My whole face is frozen! I will never unnecessarily go out in the cold again!

However, somehow, I managed to come up with a very lame joke about it. I doubt it’s even original.

It’s under thirty degrees and a cop is pursuing a crook on foot. What does he say when he finally catches up to him? “FREEZE!”

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