Not Old (Yet), Not Young

I’m 28. Maybe that isn’t old, but it certainly isn’t young either. Really, I stopped being honest about my age offline after I turned 26.

I talked a little before about teaching myself coding. The good news is there are a lot of community spaces for learners and newbies. The discouraging news is I find myself very outmatched in age. It seems in so many, if not all, of these spaces, everyone started coding at the age I was still carrying around a teddy bear.

Yes, yes, I know. “You’re never too old.” But figures of speech are just that. Figures of speech. I can never stop being reminded I wasted my youthful years doing… whatever I was doing that is wildly insignificant now. If God is real, when I die, I will ask why he didn’t give me better intuition as a small child. Seriously, why did I miss out on the intuition to build a necessary skill? Probably because I was stupid and wanted to build blocks, and adults let me so I would shut up and stop crying. *sigh*

Eh. Maybe that’s harsh (probably not), but if I had a child, I would absolutely get them started on coding and programming at as early an age as possible so they avoid this problem. Even if they grew to not want a career related to IT, they’d have a skill they can fall back on. That’s the one thing I miss about not having a child. I won’t have the pleasure of watching my child have a better and brighter future than I do. Granted, I’m fantasizing, but I know I do that a lot. I’m beginning to understand why some parents live through their kids. It’s tough to admit you don’t have the capacity/capability to reach your dreams, and your kid has better chances than you via youth. That’s a terrible thing to do to a kid, but I think I understand it.

Truthfully, I don’t think I am capable of learning because coding is such a humongous field, and IT never stops evolving. There will always be things to catch up on, so I have no idea at what point I could consider myself employable, if that point can arrive. Supposedly, it’s not about memorization, but I want to see how that holds up in an actual job. I feel like it doesn’t. But I’ve also known for a long time I’m not good at anything, so why am I talking like this is surprising? It’s not, but you get my drift. I mean, I’m good at finishing coursework, but so are kindergartners, so who cares? I want a skill most tiny children don’t have, not one most do.

Well, this quickly delved into a post of self-loathing. But it’s really honesty and trying to humor myself. I remember being asked what’s unique about me, and I answered I don’t know because I don’t know. Professionally, there is nothing unique about me. I work in a warehouse, I worked in retail, and I finished coursework. By the way, roughly 39% of the US population has a bachelor’s (not associate’s, which is what mine will be) degree, and it can still not be enough to qualify for anything. It really is little more than a piece of paper to bypass filters. Part of me feels like I’m getting it solely to prove I’m not a total idiot (of course, the two are not mutually exclusive).

Do I have any positivity to add to this post? I really don’t. I’m painfully aware my thirtieth birthday is coming sooner than I would like, and I’m simply glad there is no upcoming high school reunion.

Well, I can always achieve my dreams through fictitious means. And really, my only dream was financial stability. I didn’t even reach for the sky and I still fell flat. Ouch.

Paranoia

Emmi and I had an argument recently. It’s the second argument we’ve had, but it was over the same topic: sex. I must admit it wasn’t as bad as the first argument. We made up more quickly this time, and it got amusing at one point. Maybe he wasn’t laughing, but I was. Specifically, it was when we resorted to name-calling that made me laugh. Funny how we can both be childish as hell, but neither of us will admit it.

However, unlike the last argument, he was justified with this one. Not in everything he said (Emmi can be damn cold-hearted when he’s angry), but what he was mad over itself, yes. Long story short, he was angry about me for stretching his patience and not having done anything sexual with him. Emmi is someone who needs sex while I couldn’t care less about it, despite that I’m willing to give it to him. Emmi also knows I am an overly paranoid person, though I don’t know how arguing with me is going to fix that. Granted, it’s fun to watch him turn into a big baby over not getting what he wants, but get over it.

Here’s what Emmi doesn’t know. I have reason to be as paranoid as I am. I’ve told Emmi enough for him to know that I have a long list of problems. He knows (or should know by now) that I am screwed up. I’ve been betrayed by the people who I should’ve been able to count when I was growing up, and I’ve been let down numerous times by people who I was sure I could count on. The list of people who have stabbed me in the back is probably at least twice Emmi’s age. On top of that, my family, though they’re hypocrites for it, taught me to be fearful of everything and everyone I don’t know, and that’s not a mindset I can get over in a snap. I trust Emmi to an extent. If I could do a scale, I’d say Emmi is past my family, but not even close to my best friend.

Emmi also seems to think I like being as paranoid and anxious as I am, but the truth is I don’t. I hate it. I hate it with a passion and wish I could just get rid of as if I were throwing away a worn-out pair of socks. Honestly, I feel bad for making Emmi put up with me and I have to wonder why he hasn’t given up and found someone with less problems than I have or none at all. His town’s population is likely around the same as mine. He’s got options. I don’t mean to sound like I’m trying to make him give up because I certainly am not, but when all is said and done, Emmi really doesn’t deserve to have to deal with me. I just wish he would stop taking my issues so personally.

I don’t even think this is strictly a “sexual versus asexual” problem because, as I said, I’m willing to give it to him. I think the problem is two people with a polar opposite need who are both ridiculously hard-headed. At our worst, neither of us will hear what the other has to say and nothing will work if we don’t get that solved.