Better As Friends

Around this time last year, I was developing feelings for my friend in the UK. I was sad because I knew there was no chance of us ever being to together and that’s what ultimately led to the feelings fading. But now, I’m really glad I don’t feel that way towards her anymore and that I never told her.

If I’d chosen to tell her, my heart would’ve been crushed, despite knowing ahead of time she didn’t feel that way. Things would be awkward from then on. And if we had been able to get together and be a couple, what if it didn’t work out? We’d likely never speak again.

It’s better to remain friends. I realize¬†friendships often don’t last a lifetime, but as friends, I have a better chance of talking to her for a long time, if not for life. The feelings have faded, so there is absolutely no point in telling her they ever existed. And truthfully, what’s in my head is a fantasy. A relationship with her would not be how I was picturing it. I’m not saying it’d be bad. I don’t think it would be at all. But reality would clash with my fantasy in a head-on collision.

Having her in my life as my friend is the best I could ask for.

Uh-oh. The feelings are coming back…

I thought the feelings I had for my pen pal had faded and were platonic now, but it seems that’s not so.

Occasionally, my friend uploads a picture of herself to her blog. She’s not narcissistic. It was a self-confidence experiment. Plus, she wanted to compare herself over a period of time.

Today, she uploaded one and she looks like an angel! Even one of her other friends said so.

I’ve always thought she was beautiful, but the most any of her pictures have ever made me do is go “awww”. Never have I looked at one of her pictures and felt like my face was lighting up like a Christmas tree! I almost feel like a stalker!

So I guess I’m back to feeling like I’m in love with her. I know I said I wanted to tell her if it wasn’t a passing feeling, but I’m rethinking that. If she didn’t feel the same, that would be extremely awkward and could even wreck our friendship. If she did, well…that would make me extraordinarily happy, but we have an ocean between us, so nothing could become of it. What would be the point in telling her?

One Day In The New Year

And I think I’ve fallen in love.

For a month and half, I’ve been talking to a friend who lives in another country. She’s a little younger than me and a very nice girl. She’s also very smart and opinionated. We share a lot of the same or similar opinions and I can talk to her about things I couldn’t with most other people.

Over break, I talked with her a little more than I usually do. I learned a lot about her. She really is a strong girl and we have similar backgrounds and circumstances.

This is the person I think I’m in love with.

If it’s not just a silly feeling, my pen pal would be the first crush I’ve ever had. It actually makes me a little sad because I will never meet her in person. She lives across the ocean. I do know what she looks like, however, although she doesn’t know what I look like. She hasn’t asked. I didn’t ask her either.

She’s beautiful, she’s strong, determined, realistic and can be funny. She’s not flawless, but neither am I. If this is not just a passing feeling, I want to tell her.