Missing Him

At my job, two co-workers I am friends with, one of whom is a manager, recently began dating. Granted, I’m not sure how long “recently” is, but to the best of my memory, about two months or so. He had a crush on her and the day he planned to finally ask her out, she (the manager) did it first. It’s a cute story, and I genuinely hope things work well for them. At the same time, I’d be a liar if I wasn’t a little bit envious.

Not because I want to date either of them, but because I wish I had the privilege of seeing my boyfriend as often as they see each other. Make no mistake. I absolutely adore my boyfriend and have eyes for no one except him, but the thirty miles between us across our neighboring states kills me inside at times. To be blatant, every time I see a couple together, I think of him and wish we could be together at that moment. I know it could be worse. He could on the other side of the country or on the other side of the world. That we can see each other the one or two times a month we manage to is a privilege in itself. But that truly doesn’t help me miss him any less.

I know there is such a thing as too much time together. That applies to us too. We’d probably kill each other if we had to spend every waking moment together. But I’d rather have too much time together than not enough. At least, we could avoid each other for a few hours or days if we were getting aggravated and make up later.

My co-workers, when they have shifts together (this particular manager does not make the schedule), will share their lunch break with each other. When she has to be on the floor, he’ll usually work with her and they’ll talk about whatever they please as they do returns or clear the floor area. Or if she’s counting out at the register to close them down for the night and we have no customers in line, they’ll chat together as she counts and he’ll walk her to back as she carries the register drawers (policy is that two people must walk with the drawers, though of course, she doesn’t let him in the cash office). I’d give anything to have that with my boyfriend. Perhaps it’d get old after a while, but again, we could avoid each other until we felt better. Really, I’d give anything for us to live in the same town, let alone have the privilege of working together at a job.

I feel bad for being envious of them. They are my friends, after all, and friends should not be jealous. I am truly happy for them since they are both sweet and funny people, and they don’t get angry if an employee talks to the one who’s the opposite gender (we had a couple at work before where the woman harassed me because her boyfriend, who was my boss and hers, would have to speak to me or I’d have to speak to him). I feel like I sound unappreciative of my boyfriend, which is not the case at all. I’d certainly rather see him only twice a month than not have him at all. I took off Fridays so if he’s not scheduled, we’re almost guaranteed to have that one day of the week together for a few hours (though I do have to work this coming Friday, and he has to work on the next, so that won’t really go into effect for two weeks).

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. Absence also makes the heart break and causes it sorrow. I want what my friends have: the privilege of being a couple who can share their job. I want the thirty miles between us to be a 30 minute walk between us. I want being apart to be an option more often than it is mandatory.

I just want him to be here.

Mundane Monday: Ear Piercing

Just a tiny thing I’m appreciative for. My ears are pierced and the holes have never closed. My mother had them pierced when I was at baby. Seven months old to be exact, and I’m very glad she did. I love earrings, but I’ve heard piercing is not only painful, but is done with a needle, an object that fills me with terror. If I didn’t have my ears pierced, I’d likely never have it done because I don’t like pain. I know there are clip-on earrings, but they are hard to find. The one and only pair I ever had were purchased from a thrift store and they hurt to wear because they were tight.

So thank you, Mom, for piercing my ears at an age that I would be too young to remember having it done.

Piercing gun

This is what would’ve been in my ear?! AHHH!!!

Wishful Wednesday: Time Forgets Some Wounds

Sometimes, memory is a bad thing. A very bad thing.

Today in school, I had an odd mood swing. I was fine up until my sixth period class, where I got insanely hyper for no apparent reason. Then, at seventh period, I shut down. “Shut down” is what I say when I don’t exactly feel sad, but it’s the closest to how I’m feeling. I did nothing in this class. I wasn’t feeling better by 8th period and did everything slowly: walking in the hallway with my head down, barely paying attention despite wanting to, writing slowly, having my head down with my arms crossed.

Then, for no reason, I started thinking about the past abuse I dealt with as a child. Mostly my mother screaming “Answer Me” at my face, but some other things. I also remembered the times she hit me and threatened to, but the screaming came to my mind more. Alright, maybe screaming isn’t abuse and the hitting borders on it (I really don’t know), but it’s not something I recall helping me down the line in any way. After those memories, I started thinking of a scene from a TV show where a woman in her early twenties is called nothing because she slacks off at new job. Except I put myself in the scene and imagined wanting to throw myself off a building after that. I imagined this several times in different ways and eventually started crying. Fortunately, not much and no one noticed.

Why this happened, I don’t know, but it’s not the first time. I don’t do it on purpose. After all, who’d want to recall something painful? So my wish for this Wednesday is that I could forget all of this and every painful memory I have of my childhood and adolescence. That wouldn’t leave many for childhood, but I’d rather remember nothing than remember hurt.

Wishful Wednesday: Stop Pounding!

Headache

My wish for this Wednesday is short and sweet: I want my head to stop pounding!

The reason it’s pounding is that I went to my school’s karaoke evening. They’ve had talent shows before, so I assumed it’d be good. How wrong I was! It was awful! Except for two people, everyone sang terribly!

The only good side is I got to spend a bit of time with one of my friends. They’ve scheduled another karaoke evening for May 1st. I will not be attending!