Pessimism Or Realism?

December 26, 2020 — Kaye

There will be no “happy new year” post for 2021.

I looked back at my New Year’s Day post for 2020. Even then, I considered hoping for a good year was too much to ask for, but I had no idea just how right I would be.

I read back on my post from seven years ago where I express being happy overall I didn’t take my life. How naive of me. Absolutely everything I listed at that time became meaningless over the years. I claimed to be much better. If only I could’ve foreseen I would be so much worse.

I admire those who can continue hoping when they’re repeatedly let down, but I can’t. The only time I haven’t been let down is when I stop hoping and expect the worst. I can’t name a time I was optimistic and didn’t have it crushed. I truly can’t.

So many people would call it a “negative” point of view, but is being realistic really negative? Is it really negative to recognize when hope continually falls flat and the near future really is grim? Does absolutely everything really have a silver lining? Or do some things really suck and there is nothing more than to it than things are simply that awful?

I vote for the latter.

I mentioned in two previous posts I no longer want to be in this world. Sadly, I recently learned the method I chose for that exit has a high survival rate. So, I must either remain stuck or find access to something with a higher success rate.

Even in hoping for death, my hopes are dashed.

I truly believed 2020 could be an okay year at the very least. I don’t believe 2021 can be less than horrible. The only thing that will make it good is if it I don’t live to see it through. Tragically, unless I access a more guaranteed method to leave, it seems I will.

The only reason I have to remain alive is… to watch my DuoLingo streak grow. That isn’t really worth it.

It really isn’t.

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I Give Up

November 6, 2013 — Kaye

I can’t do it anymore. I give up.

Despite that I am a pessimist, I do occasionally try to see the bright side of life because I know there are good things in the world. But two nights ago, I found this post on Tumblr. For those who don’t want to look, that post is about rape. I have reblogged posts about rape before on Tumblr, but that one is the most horrible, disgusting piece I’ve ever come across.

That was the last straw. That was it. I lost the last amount of faith I had in the human race. I am done with humanity. I may like some people, but I hate the human race as a whole. And I’m not alone in that. My British friend, who has more optimism than me, agreed when I told her.

Even a post that later appeared on my dashboard that showed good things happening around the world couldn’t cheer me up. I can’t believe in humanity anymore. I’m done.

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Optimism Blackhole

May 8, 2013 — Kaye
Red Ball

Fun fact: This picture is from an article that claims pessimists live longer than optimists.

My wish for this Wednesday is optimism. I wish I could be more optimistic.

I try to look on the bright side of things, but it usually isn’t much. I can’t see the bright side until it happens. Even with things that should be happy, like graduation, I’m more focused on the negative than the positive.

Sometimes, I feel it’s because I think and analyze things too much, but it might just be how my mind works. My mind is weird as it is, so it’s possible. I do enjoy imagining the possibilities of a particular situation, however, positive or negative.

Maybe someday, I’ll become more optimistic. Maybe I’ll always be pessimistic. I don’t know. But, hey, as long as I’m not on the verge of death, I’m good for the most part.

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