Warning: This post is unkind. Please skip if you dislike foul language and insults.
Last night, my mom called me. We very rarely speak to each other because 1) I can never get ahold of her and 2) she’s bitter about my dad’s side of the family and likes to take it out on me. Anyway, unsurprisingly, she didn’t want anything. She only called to tell me she knows I dropped out of school. Okay, and…?
My mom has a habit of doing this, really. Not just trying to antagonize people she doesn’t like, but behaving in ways merely to spite people. She’s done this since I was kid, when I was still young enough to be a bargaining tool.
In short, it’s been twenty years and she still sucks at being a mother.
You’d think I cut her out of my life, at least temporarily, with the way she acts, but I can never bring myself to. I have tried to fix our relationship and all of my attempts fail. I know she won’t change. Why would she? She typically gets what she wants through manipulation. She can’t deal with someone who doesn’t think she’s always right or her word is law. She doesn’t like to admit when she’s wrong either. That’s not to say people haven’t done wrong to her. In fact, her own mother was actually worse to her than she was to me (cycle of abuse, basically).
Years ago, my mom once mentioned how she said she’d never treat her kids the way her mom treated her. Unfortunately, she only got it half-right. She may not have treated my sister and I as badly as her mom did, but her parenting was still abysmal. The only reason my sister is still in her good graces is she follows my mom around like a shadow and rarely questions a word out of her mouth.
I posted about this in a Facebook group and everyone who replied basically told me the same thing: I have to accept she will never be mother I need. And I want to accept that, yet I feel I can’t. The guilt that results from even considering cutting her out is crushing. I have no idea what the guilt is even for, but I feel bound and chained by it. But eventually, I’m going to have to figure out how to break those chains. I’m only 20 now, but soon enough, I will be 21, 22, 25, 30, and so on. I’ve already spent about two decades under her thumb. I do not want to spend the rest of my life feeling guilty and unsuccessfully trying to fix my relationship with her.
Being over eighteen is supposed to mean you’re free from your parents’ control. I don’t even live with her, nor have I for the past four years, and I don’t feel free. I feel like a caged rat.
Back at my grandfather’s house, I mean. I never left the blog.
Things with my mother toppled over and, long story short, she kicked me out. Well, that’s not entirely accurate. I left in the morning on December 1st to go on a trip with my father (which she was well aware of) and she decided she didn’t want me to come back. In a simple sentence, she abandoned me.
Why and how this happened, I have no idea. She was fine when I left, but became angry at me later on. I attempted to reconcile with her multiple times, but she made it clear she wasn’t interested.
On top of kicking me out, she lied to me about something serious that could’ve affected my ability to attend college, and told my relatives I pulled a knife on her, an incident that never occurred.
All she has is the remainder of my stuff, which I will attempt to get before the year is over. After that, she will have no reason to contact me, so we will have removed each other from our own lives. I admit I have struggled with some emotions about this for the past few days, but I realize I have no choice but to accept it. If she doesn’t want me, she doesn’t want me, and there is nothing I can do about it. I’d like to know where the false accusations come from (that tale about the knife is merely one), but I don’t care enough to question her. And even if I did, she’d likely deny it, as she does many things. Ironically, she says she never forgets things. I think she has selective memory, but then again, most people probably do, myself included.
I find myself surprisingly stoic about this. That is, in spite of all the mixed emotions over the past few days, I don’t feel too abnormal. Nothing really feels very different. I’m hurt, yes, but not as much as I would expect myself to be over something like this. I’m willing to bet that doesn’t make much sense, but then, neither does this situation as a whole. At the very least, I wish she would tell me what she’s angry about.
With everything that’s occurred, I really want nothing more than for 2014 to arrive. I cannot wait for this year to be over.
Except for not asking first, my sister isn’t much of a problem. Today, she’s been sleeping since she got here due to not feeling well (time of the month).
My mom, on the other hand, has been bugging me since she got here. Complaining, whining about Mother’s Day, gossiping about me behind my back with my grandfather. She’s more childish than my nearly seven-year-old cousin.
I don’t think I’d mind so much if only Sis came. She’s generally quiet. I also don’t understand why Mom couldn’t leave her home alone if she wasn’t feeling well. She’s almost 16. She’s more than old enough to stay by herself for a few hours. I’m even starting to wonder if Mom drags her over here because she never asks to come. Mom’s the one who always me for that.
I swear some people just live to be offended by others.
There is a facebook page I liked called “Not Being Pregnant“. As the name implies, it’s about enjoying that you’re not pregnant. Not necessarily that you don’t have children, just that you are not pregnant.
Unsurprisingly, a few mothers (why is it always moms?) took offense. They saw it as an attack on their roles of being mothers. Why and how, I do not know. One of the accusations made is that the “likers” of the page bash young mothers.
I looked through the page and did not find any bashing. What I did find was some users saying becoming pregnant and having a baby while still in high school is not smart, which I agree with. Most likely, if you’re still in high school, your parents are still taking care of you and I don’t think someone who’s still a dependent his or herself should be creating MORE dependents. Yet, it seems to these mothers who have taken offense to this page see that opinion as an attack on them.
I’ll continue to view that page. However, if someone does bash young mothers, I will disagree because I don’t believe in attacking parents.