Jealousy

This is probably the pettiest post I’ve ever written for this blog, and if it’s not, I’m scared to search through my archives and find what is.

The gist of it is: My boyfriend makes more money than me and I’m mad.

Yeah, that’s it.

Okay, that’s not really it, but most people wouldn’t read beyond that. If you’ve read this far, I assume you’re willing to, so I’ll explain.

It’s not him personally. It’s that the only reason he makes more than me is he lives in a state with a higher minimum wage than the one I reside in, and we’re both paid only $2 above our states’ respective minimum wages. The cost of living is higher is in his state, but our living situations make that factor irrelevant on both sides.

I suppose that doesn’t make how I feel better. He doesn’t make the minimum wage laws, and I’m certainly not trying to insinuate he shouldn’t make a livable wage (I am very much in favor of raising the minimum wage nationwide; no, I don’t think having to work a low-skills job means someone should be unable to afford food, clothes, and shelter). My frustration is when it comes to our personal situations, the only reason he makes more than I do by chance. He happens to live in a state with a higher minimum wage than me. He works hard – I’ll never deny that – but I work hard as well, and knowing that is what sparks the jealousy to begin with.

Since I am the worst person at hiding my feelings, he knows this and I unintentionally made him feel bad. Of course, he shouldn’t feel bad, but I could’ve said nothing and he still would’ve figured it out (note: he’s very good at sensing something’s wrong with me; where and when he picked that up, I’m also clueless). I confess I also feel bad because when I was the only of us making money, he felt guilty I paid for most of our outings and constantly insisted on paying me back, despite my protests he doesn’t have to (thankfully, he hasn’t tried to pay me back for all of that; paying for our outings wasn’t a loan!). I’m happy he does have a job and he is making money, especially since his self-worth was crumbling before he was, but I’m bitter about the reason he makes more than I do.

I guess in the end, almost everyone has something that gives them an edge, even a tiny one. Now, if I could only find mine.

I’m Scared

There. I said it.

What am I scared of? A lot of things, but this in particular.

I’ve been struggling so much about what to do regarding college and reading things like this only confirms my fears.

Science-related subjects are considered to be the most lucrative careers that exist.  I’ve never heard anyone speak lowly of pursuing these degrees and, in my experience, you’re told you’ll always have a job because they’re in high demand. When people say they got college degrees and still can’t find work or are stuck in dead-end jobs, it’s typically assumed they got a “useless” degree, such as something in art, philosophy, or gender studies.

This just tells me you can work hard and still not get anywhere. It seems like it doesn’t even matter. I already fear returning to college for a degree and ending up right back where I started, but what I want to major in is art-related. To go for something in STEM and still end up right back where I started? I’d kick myself for the rest of my life.

On top of that, I’ve been told there are many different paths to success, but I can only find three. Go to college, go to trade school, or find a job and work your way up. I’ve heard of trade school being more profitable than college, especially because you’re not saddled with debt for an extremely long time, but I can’t think of a single trade I’d be capable of. If web design or art/animation were a trade, I’d go for one of those, but unfortunately, they’re not. I’ve also heard, unlike college, you cannot get financial assistance for trade school. You have to pay for it out of your own pocket. I’m still unemployed, so that’s not possible. My only option is finding a job, which I am having a very hard time with.

The only thing I’m sure of right now is that I am a terrible adult. I cannot figure anything out. I’ve been an adult for three years now and I still have no clue how to be one. I’m already upset that I can’t avoid debt, meaning I will owe someone or something money for as long as I live, and I’m honestly afraid I am always going to be in this position. If I end up going back to school, I want that venture to pay off. Not to throw shots at anyone, but I do not want to end up like my mother, going back to school multiple times in an attempt to better my life and getting nowhere except into more debt.

It’s terrifying and I know adults are supposed to do everything themselves (pretty much the point of being an adult), but I wish I had someone to guide me through all of this and help me get somewhere. I don’t know where I am or what I’m doing or how I’m going to get myself anywhere except where I’m already at. I know what I want. I can’t figure out how to get it. I wish adulthood came with a manual for these situations.

Really, all I want is not to be so useless. Clearly, I’m not doing that well.

I’m Happy For Her…

…but a little sad for myself.

My friend Jen is going to prom tomorrow. Originally, she wasn’t going to go for the same reason I wasn’t – lack of money – but a teacher got her a fee waiver (free ticket, basically) and another got her a necklace, hair clips and let her borrow a shawl. She’s taking my other friend, and her best friend, Lia with her because they’ve known each other for years and are very close. Lia’s family is well off, so it’s no problem for her.

I’m happy for Jen, and Lia, but I’m a little sad I can’t go. I hate huge parties, but I just wanted to see what it was like. But I didn’t – and still don’t – have the money for it. Even if I did, spending it on prom wouldn’t be wise because of little emergencies that pop up. Twice, I loaned $40, once for an overdue bill and again for a traffic fine. I was paid back, but the point is with things like that creeping up, I really need to save my money. I’m not even ordering my yearbook, which is only $45, because I know I will need something else and would regret having that yearbook.

Oh, well. Everybody has to make sacrifices. It won’t kill me.

College Is Killing Me…And I’m Not Even There Yet!

Yesterday, I left a message for the director of admissions at the college I want to attend. She got back to me and answered my question. She also asked me if I paid the tuition deposit, which is $300. I hadn’t and, according to her, it has to come out of my own pocket!

Yikes! Compared to other colleges, $300 may not be a lot, but it is for my family that’s barely above the poverty line. I can save it up, but the deadline is May 1 and I worry that may not be enough time. However, my mother has told me that should be covered by financial aid. Common sense might to say to believe the person who’s actually in charge, but Mom isn’t that stupid. Ditzy, maybe, but not stupid. So, I emailed the director at one of the other campuses I visited and asked. Hopefully, he’ll get back to me by Monday, if not tomorrow.

To me, it’s amazing how much money I’ve spent and I’m not even attending yet. Over $80 for visits to two out of three campuses, which isn’t much, but again, is a bad hit. I might decide not to attend until I’m 20, but then, admission might be even harder.

I really wish my family had more education in their background. It would make things easier. Granted, some of it is my fault for not researching properly, but things were not peachy for the last two or three years and no one told me getting in was more than just send in an application and be approved.

I can only hope my mom is correct and the director of the first campus made a mistake, but I doubt it.