Independence of Assistance

I don’t believe I’ve ever mentioned on here, but my immediate family survives on government assistance. It’s been this way since I was an infant, although my mother relies on it more now than she did when I was small. While I’m grateful to have it because we couldn’t eat otherwise, I don’t like it.

Now, I admit I am someone who does not like asking for help, whether or not I need it. In fact, the more I do need it, the less likely I am to ask for help because I prefer to figure things out for myself. The reason I dislike relying on others is they can let you down anytime, and I’ve seen this with the PA my mom uses. Multiple times, I’ve seen her fight against getting her benefits reduced or cut.

I think seeing that is very reason why I hate having to rely so heavily on anyone or anything. The idea that being let down could cause someone to lose their source of food or their home is horrifically terrifying to me. That fear is probably why I’m vehemently against ever being on any kind of PA when I am supporting myself unless it is literally the only option I have left.

So my wish for today is that my family didn’t have to rely on assistance to get by and my mom was able to fully support all of our financial uses herself.

Bigger Is Better

Sometimes, less is more. Sometimes, bigger is better. The latter applies here because when I say “bigger”, I mean “adult”.

Alright, I guess I’m not part of the adult world yet. I’m still a dependent, still in high school, have never had a job and don’t have to pay for my basic needs. I hate that.

No one could pay me to return to childhood. It’s not even the fact that my childhood sucked. It’s that I don’t like being small, unless it’s in regards to my weight. Sure, I still have people who think I’m stupid because of my age, but the difference is now, I can tell those people to bug off or curse them out if they get on my nerves. I don’t have to just take it. I can actually argue with somebody and call them out on their words. Or I can entirely ignore them.

I can also protect myself, to an extent. Of course, I’m far from being the biggest person out there, but I’m not so small that anyone is free to smack me around or hit me with objects anymore (you can probably guess what I’m referring to). And if someone does, I can either fight back or file assault charges against them. Heck, going by the incident I had with that teacher, I could file charges for somebody simply touching me.

My favorite thing about being an adult has more to do with the actual age than size. It’s the freedom that comes with that stage. Or I guess the eventual freedom in my case. I confess I’m a little obsessed with that and am probably fantasizing a little, but it’s hard not to since I’ve never had total control of anything. Makes me think of how when I was a child and used to think about kids, I only wanted them to control and boss around. Bad.

Speaking of which, however, I also like how I have the ability to be empathetic now. Being poor means “struggling to provide basic needs to yourself or others” instead of “not being able to afford a toy”. Without that ability, I wouldn’t have the friends I do now and while most friendships do change over the years, it still doesn’t change that I probably wouldn’t have any friends in the first place if I was still incapable of empathy.

However, all of this said…


Although, I never liked Kermit much. Just didn’t watch him.

Finally, some independence!

The first day of school was on Friday. It was pretty good. Best of all, I get out at 2:14 and so does my best friend. We have the same class for our final period and it’s right down the hall from the exit, so we can just go out.

Shortly before dismissal, my friend asked me if I could walk home with her from school. Not that day, but starting Monday and from then on. Our other friends leave at 4:00 (regular dismissal time), so she would be walking alone. I imagine that’s why she asked me.

It also happened that my grandfather was coming with my uncle to pick me up, which, for once, was a good thing. I introduced my friend to and – OMFG – got his permission to walk home with my friend! The overprotective granddad actually said yes!

Finally, some freedom!

My friend would go home first and then, I’d just have to walk a block alone to my house. Unfortunately, I got the “don’t go with strangers” talk from my grandfather, but I guess that’s standard.

Well, this year is off to a good start. That was worth getting up at 5:30 in the morning!