Hope

July 5, 2020 — Kaye

I sincerely believe this lockdown will last for the remainder of 2020 and well into 2021. – April 2020

Unfortunately, it seems I was correct. What I was wrong about was the rare possibility of reopening my blog in 2021. I’m going to do that now.

My shutdown post wasn’t for the sake of attention. Every word in that post is what I felt at the time. Suicidal feelings are strong, and I’m beginning to think I may struggle with them for the rest of my life, despite a decade passing before I felt that terribly again (although the first time, the mental struggle didn’t end for three years). That actually makes me wish that much more my life had not come into being. Struggling with the concept of your mere existence isn’t fun, to put it mildly.

As I said in that post, the only reason I am still here is I’ve yet to be able to intentionally bring harm upon my body, and I truly resent that incapability. However, a huge part of what drove the feelings that led me to write that post and shut down my blog was fear.

…if going outside absolutely dooms people to the virus and death, if it’s terrifying enough for suicide to be a better option…

This post was in April. It’s now July. Yes, I was that scared of getting sick. That’s what hearing “stay home or people will die” will do to a person.

Months later, it’s now occurred to me… people really like to preach and pat themselves on the back.

The term I’ve found for it is “virtue signaling”, and if nothing else, I’ve realized life on the internet is really unhealthy. That’s nothing new, but with the economy on death’s door, the viciousness seems more blatant. If you ask social media, going outside is a crime akin to manslaughter and worthy of the death penalty. Offline? Nobody cares.

…people being arrested for being outside, celebrations being broken up…

Including the police. At least, in my town. My neighborhood had an unofficial little block party for the fireworks. The cops came by… and didn’t give two cents. They asked for a car that was double-parked to be moved, and told a couple to stop shooting fireworks off their lawn, not to ruin our fun, but because it posed a hazard. This was at night, after the city’s curfew (9pm). No arrests, no citations. Just wanting to stop safety hazards. The officer moved on – never got out of his cruiser! – leaving us to enjoy the unofficial fireworks show we were getting from the distance.

Watching those fireworks with neighbors as meringue music played. Somehow, I was so incredibly happy. The happiest I’ve been this year.

Today, I went to the beach. I haven’t been to the beach since 2013 or 2014. I prefer the pool, but the one I usually go to is under construction until late 2021, and the other open pools require summer memberships. Thus, the beach was my only viable option. It was nearly a one hour drive (oh, yeah; I got a new car in May), but a one hour drive that was worth it. Though I wished I had someone with me, I still had a great time and spent seven hours – from their opening to their closing – at the beach. The weather was perfect. Somehow, when I was enjoying myself in the water, all of these thoughts came to mind. Everyone was here to have fun. This is not what the internet would want to see, but this wasn’t the internet. It was real.

And somehow, I began to think if I really have to be here – if I can’t find the strength to take my life away – I’ll have to make the best of it. The more I pull away from the internet, especially social media, the more I see not only isn’t it a substitute for life offline, but it never came close.

That also means I am done feeling guilty for taking care of myself. I take care of a household. The internet expects everyone to be responsible for everyone. No. People say “think of someone besides yourself” until the people you think of are personal to you. You’re supposed to care about utter strangers, but not your family and friends. That is, unless said family and friends agree with the internet. Then, it’s okay to care about them.

While I was enjoying the fireworks last night and the beach day, I also thought about my relationship. My boyfriend and I are still a couple, but I do think the relationship may have run its course. In those moments, I wished he was with me, but I still enjoyed myself without him. Regarding the beach, I know I would’ve been waiting on him to get up and get ready because he almost never wakes up in the morning. It was very nice to be able to just go.

Simply put, we will not be partners in life. I want someone to actually share the responsibility of a household we build together, not someone whose idea of living together is me solely being responsible for a home while he lives in a parked RV nearby and still visits occasionally. The tension in our relationship has gotten so noticeable, even his sister believes I may call it quits, and I’m unsure she’s wrong (side note: his sister and niece have the same frustrations with him that I do). I said at least once I could imagine my life without him, but I don’t want to. Seems it’s called the “honeymoon phase” for a reason. I want him in my life, but I’m not so opposed to the idea of him not being there anymore, especially when I’m seeing I don’t miss him when I am having fun so much as I miss company. Had I watched the fireworks, danced to the music, or visited the beach with a friend, that longing to have someone with me wouldn’t have existed.

I want companionship, not specifically romance. I really wonder if coming to these realizations may spell the end of our relationship. I haven’t checked out yet – it’s not foregone – but it may be getting there. As for his sleeping late specifically, I now don’t care to bother. If he doesn’t get up, I go alone.

This post is titled “Hope”, but it’s not because I have hope for 2020, 2021, humanity, or my life. There’s definitely a chance down the road I will regret this post and the feelings that led me to shut down my blog will resurface. I really hate I’m not someone who’s glad to be alive and instead just making the best of being forced into existence since I’ve not found the strength to terminate. This post’s title is for the mere fact I want that to not be the case. I do hope I don’t regret this post and re-opening my blog. Only time will determine that.

In the meantime, I won’t feel guilty or ashamed for not being a hikikomori like Reddit, Facebook, and Twitter deem I should. Am I a murderer? The internet would say yes.

But I’m not sorry I don’t live online.

Posted in Emotions, Internet, Recreation, Romance, Society. Tags: , , , , , , , , . Leave a Comment »

Eight Years Running

May 22, 2020 — Kaye

When I first created this blog in 2012, I didn’t think it would last long. Most blogs I’ve had die within a year. This blog has unarguably had its ups and downs of activity, but I’ve somehow managed to keep it going.

A “blog-iversary” isn’t exciting, but I am a little surprised each year this blog stays alive. I always expect to make a goodbye post somewhere down the line, yet somehow, I find the motivation (and content) to continue posting. Part of me wishes I started this blog in 2010 so I could already say it’s been ten years. I suppose I’ll have to keep waiting.

The most unexpected thing is this blog has, in a way, turned into a record of my life. I created it with the intention of ranting and talking about random things on my mind. I’ve done that, but so many of these posts speak of my regular life and not-so-random nuisances too. Maybe I should’ve expected that, but since I didn’t expect this blog to last so long to begin with, I can’t help being a little shocked by the unintentional record I created. I have no regrets, however.

Some of my earlier posts embarrass me and I don’t want to remember I wrote those. Not necessarily because my feelings are different, but simply because of how I wrote them. Then again, there’s a reason I say I’d hit my younger self over the head.

Knowing this blog has survived so long, I now want to keep it going until I can’t anymore. I can’t picture how long it will last, and I will probably be surprised by any length of time, but I do hope the inevitable end is very far down the road.

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Top Six Cutest: Galar Pokemon

February 20, 2020 — Kaye

I’m just going to say it. I think the most of generation eight’s pokemon are hideous! This is the first game I didn’t use any of the region’s new pokemon because I simply hated the majority. I created a team in Pokemon Sun and waited until Pokemon Home released so I could transfer it into Pokemon Shield to play. I didn’t even use my starter, and I don’t think the starters are awful (they’ve grown on me a little, but not enough that I want to use them). And no, not all of my favorite pokemon are cute nor do I think all pokemon should be. Heck, the team I transferred had some pokemon I wouldn’t consider cute (like Trapinch and its evolution line) and I put Absol, who I don’t consider cute (but cool), on a previous list. So, cute is merely one preference.

Still, Galar was difficult. Like with my Alola list, I couldn’t pick out ten cute Galar pokemon, although I did manage to make it a little longer than that one. So, here we go! The cutest Galar pokemon.

I’m thinking I find Scorbunny cute because I adore bunnies in general, though I think it’d look better without that bandaid-looking mark between its eyes. Its evolution line is also probably the least bad-looking of the starters, although I don’t understand why so many fire starters grow to look like fighting-type pokemon (although Scorbunny keeps its pure fire typing throughout its evolution).

Wooloo is one of the few Galar pokemon I found cute from the start, and its evolution, Dubwool, looks cool too. I think it could’ve had a better name, but I guess it fits because of “wool” being part of it. I admit playing the game is what really made this pokemon grow on me. I love that it rolls to move around. That is more adorable than it should be!

This one could probably be attributed to my love of flowers. I find Gossifleur and its evolution, Eldegoss, to be cute in a strange way. But weird cute is still cute.

Alcremie is another I found cute from the start, and is the cutest one to me. I would’ve used it if it weren’t so difficult to get! Alcremie’s pre-evolution, Milcery, is ridiculously hard to evolve! If I manage to trade for Alcremie, I’ll put it (and Wooloo) on my team if I get Sword. Not to mention it has nine different forms, and whichever form Alcremie evolves into can never be changed. Of course, they make the most appealing pokemon the hardest to attain. Of freaking course.

This one may have been a given, considering I like Kanto Ponyta. And it’s not any particular love of horses I have. I don’t. But Galarian Rapidash looks like a substitute Princess Celestia! Galarian Ponyta fits right in with My Little Pony! If I didn’t know it was from Pokemon, I’d assume it was from the 80s My Little Pony cartoon. It could fit in with the Care Bears too.

For me, Indeedee is similar to Espurr, although its picture isn’t as creepy-looking as Espurr’s game sprite. Its name is strange, but it’s not like I can think of a better one.

Posted in Recreation. Tags: , , , , , . 1 Comment »

Halloween 2019

October 31, 2019 — Kaye

Happy Halloween! 🎃

With a new huge bill on my plate, I don’t have much to splurge on costumes. Thank you, eBay!

This year, I’m a Halloween angel!

Also, since I couldn’t find a better excuse, I’ll add this quote just because:

You don’t find your best life by chasing someone else’s expectations of you. – surfaholic15, Reddit user

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What A Saturday Should Be

July 28, 2019 — Kaye

The following is purely my opinion. Like everything else non-factual on this blog.

I would say my new job is going well, but at only two days in, past experiences have taught me not to be excited. Yesterday, I worked my standard four hours (I love, love, love having a set schedule!) and left to enjoy a day out with my boyfriend. The plan was to go from to the pool, but delays made him late, so I stopped at home to drop my purse off and eat something before going back out.

We got to the pool an hour after they opened. We took some pictures, a few seconds out of our two-hour stay. Unfortunately, the clouds wouldn’t stay out of the sun’s way for long, but we enjoyed the water nonetheless, though I may have enjoyed it a bit more than him. Nevertheless, he said he had a good time. Yay!

I didn’t get bored of the pool, but I did get hungry, and the food stall at the pool accepted only cash. So, after I took a jump into the pool and unpleasantly drew water into my nose, my boyfriend and I called an end to our pool time and got back into our regular clothes. We settled on going to Pizza Hut, which has become much fancier since I last visited any location, which was so long ago, I can’t remember it. He pepperoni pizza, I got pasta with chicken, and we shared the cinnamon sticks I ordered.

Lunch was over and to avoid being out too late (we both had to work early, after all!), he decided it was time to go home. Despite I was tired from not yet getting any sleep, I waited with him until his bus came. We hugged and kissed goodbye, and unless tragedy strikes, we will see each other next weekend. But as much as I hate to think about it, you never know which “I love you” will be the last.

Though I wish I didn’t need to work, four hours is nothing to complain about, especially when I still had the whole day ahead of me. In my eyes, this was a perfect Saturday, and this is what the weekend is for. Sitting by the poolside with someone I love, playing in the water without a care for anything except how long we’re staying. A few hours of work, if really necessary, with the most of the day still ahead of you instead of long hours into a late night where your only solace is a half-hour to eat.

I said it in my last post: Money can’t replace time. If I worked a standard day at my retail job, I would’ve made $62 to $78 (after taxes), which is a lot of money to me, but I also would’ve missed out on an amazing day and more memories with my love. Unlike retail, summer does not last all year round in this state. Sure, you could argue there’s always abother day or other things to do, but the same applies to retail. That store will never not need help (in fact, our store manager recently left and new hires last around two months on average, so to say they need help is an understatement; the receiving manager actually begged for me to work on one of my days off), so I’ll always have more chances to work there if I really need extra money. But time with my boyfriend is not infinite and we don’t always know when we’ll be able to see each other again. If memories had a price, I’d say that Saturday was well worth $78.

They can’t all be good weekends, but here’s to hoping next weekend makes the week worth trudging through.

Posted in Recreation. Tags: , , , , , . 1 Comment »
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