I’m Not Leaving

The last time I made a post like this, it was in December 2013, and I’m not linking it because all but one of those things are completely and wholly untrue now.

Recently, I started thinking about Disney’s upcoming, new Disney Princess, Moana. I plan to see it in theaters with my boyfriend and it will be the very first Disney Princess movie I’ve ever seen in theaters. What crossed my mind was if I’d acted on any of suicidal thoughts I’ve had in the past, that wish wouldn’t be becoming reality.

In truth, I have those thoughts more often than I feel comfortable admitting. I suppose it’s not really bad, but aside from my boyfriend and my best friend, the things I list are usually small. Video game series, television ones, art and stories I’ve created, even this blog. I’m happy to know these things. While I still hold the belief I’d prevent my existence if I could go back in time to do so, since I’m already here, I don’t want to leave.

Of course, that doesn’t mean I don’t struggle with my self-worth and value as a member of society. I very much do, as I’m sure I’ve made evident. Even as I type this, those thoughts of if I’ll ever be more of a contributor than a tax burden are going through my head. Every so often, those thoughts do take over and become very powerful, but the upside is it usually passes within about two days. A very mentally painful two days, but two days nonetheless. It’s not enough to make me wish I wasn’t an adult or make me miss my childhood.

This past weekend, I was with my boyfriend and I realized I frequently call his house “home” when we’re together (“Are we going home after this?” “Who’s home?”). In the latter example, it might make sense because I’m asking who’s at his home, but the former example is obviously including myself. He’s fine with it, but that was the first time I caught myself doing that. I do feel at home with him, not only in his house, but in the state and city he lives. Not so much I’d dare venture around it alone, but enough to have no anxiety about ever going out there. If it were possible and I knew for sure I wouldn’t become homesick for the city I live in, I’d stay there for a week if he and his family allowed it.

I don’t have everything I want in life, but I’m happy because I do have what I wanted more than anything as a kid. I wanted to be surrounded by people who love and care about me. The “surrounded” part doesn’t exist in a physical sense, but I feel it’s there. I never cared if it was a huge team of people. Him and my best friend really are enough (although that doesn’t mean I’d be closed to more). I wanted to go on trips like I did as a kid. I go out of town, out of state, to visit him and it’s a lot more fun than the same museum five times in a row. I wanted another place to call home. I found it.

I’ll keep trying, particularly since I can’t do much else, but I’m not completely unhappy with where I’m at now. I understand things do happen slowly. It certainly took a lot of friends to find my best friend, and a lot of bad dates and relationships to reach my boyfriend. It only makes sense it’ll take a lot of missed jobs to finally find one. I still did score an interview, so that’s something. At least, I know I’m worth being considered.

I’m not happy to be alive, meaning I’d still have preferred not existing to begin with, but I am happy to have things and people in my life that make it not so bad.

For Him, It’s Okay

I’ve ranted before about how I hate that my family seems to view me more as a dress-up doll than a sentient person. I do like to dress up every so often, but my idea of dressing up is simply wearing a little more jewelry than usual or intentionally trying to look cute rather than merely be casual.

While I hate it for my family, I will sometimes do it for my friends. I think it’s because they are not obsessed with how I look. They care more about me showing up than looking like a doll. They might notice and mention it, but they won’t say I should wear a certain thing more often or question me on why I don’t dress that particular way all the time.

That’s the way I feel about Emmi (my name for him on this site; yes, I know it’s a female one). Maybe it’s too early to be assuming things since I’ve yet to meet him, but like my friends, he’s shown more respect than most of my family members ever have. He isn’t obsessed with my appearance. In fact, when I once offered to show him that I’d gotten my hair done, he didn’t really care to see it because he was having a bad day. Last night, we were talking and I sent him an image of me. He had one thing to say about it: Cute. That’s it. Nothing more, and I liked that.

I sincerely want to dress up to meet him. Not the whole nine yards as if I’m going on a date, but I want to dress in either flowers or glittery clothes, wear a lot of jewelry, have accessories in my hair, and even have my nails painted, sport some lip gloss, and wear a short pair of heels. He might care, or he may not, and if it’s the latter, that will really make me comfortable around him. Either reaction will please me if he remains un-obsessed and still respectful as he is.

I’m thankful for…

I really don’t have much care for this holiday. I’ve never liked Thanksgiving, not even as a kid. I was much more excited for Christmas. Still, there are things in my life I’m thankful for:

  • My family, despite the amount of times they’ve driven me insane
  • My friends, those close in distance and far away
  • My clinician; she is absolutely amazing!
  • Technology – internet, television, computer, video games, cell phones; all make my life very interesting and fun
  • Art of all kinds; art makes the world visually beautiful
  • Attending college; in spite of how bad it’s gone for me, I have gotten some good things out of it, emotional and material
  • Physical health – I know how fast illness can take over and kill, so I’m very thankful that the extent of my physical ailments is anemia

Sisters by heart…

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Just a random thought for today.

I looked up quotes for sisters days ago. I like the thought of “sisters by heart”. I don’t think there’s anyone outside of my family who I’ve necessarily thought of as a sister (or brother), but I treat my friends like family because they seem to treat me like family. Better than my own, in fact.

Whatever the case, this picture just makes me smile, so I wanted to share it.