Call back: “What Do You Want To Be?”

When you grow up?

At the not young age of twenty-eight, I finally have the answer: a UI designer and front-end developer. I can’t say I’m surprised.

The problem is technology is very difficult to break into, especially without a degree in computer science. It’s not impossible, but so much harder. Add design on top of it, which is not exactly notorious for being an in-demand skill, and enough said. Coding itself is endless learning, and I can’t see the day I’m ready to make a project, let alone have a job, arriving in the near or far future. Doesn’t mean I won’t try, but like my previous attempts at any job outside of warehouse and customer service so far, it’ll likely prove fruitless. All my plans for the future are made with my current wage because it’s not a good idea to bet on an income you don’t have. And no, saying “I will have X” doesn’t make it happen. I would have an unbroken family, and be an only child, if that were the case.

Coding isn’t necessary to be a UI designer, but it is necessary to be a front-end developer. I have no interest in back-end or being full-stack, so I don’t care about that. Interesting thing about college graphic design programs is most require a portfolio, which is weird to me. If you can make a portfolio, a graphic design program is likely little more than a formality. I’m attending college because I don’t have the skills and am a poor self-learner. Speaking of which, I’m envious of people who can give themselves college-esque structure. Student debt is never a concern for anyone who can learn outside of academics. Yes, I can learn outside of it. School just does it better than I can. In short, I either devote more time or more money, and the latter has a specific number, so I prefer that. Easier to network when you pay for it too. Not a guarantee, but easier.

I don’t even have my certificate from my trade school anymore. I lost it at some point, but considering how the jobs from that turned out, it’s not something I want on my resume anyway. It’s still embarrassing to be ten years out of high school and have nothing to show for it, but it’s not like there’s a reunion, so who needs to know? In truth, I’ll probably be in a warehouse for the rest of my life, but it’s still better than retail, which is a much worse fate. No one is paid enough for that nonsense.

Sometimes, I feel I want degrees and courses only because I don’t know how else to move on. As I said, I am not a good self-teacher, so those are proof I’m capable of something. Granted, bachelor’s degrees are said to be the new high school diploma, and I’m getting an associate’s, so I’m still not on par. But that’s my life in a nutshell from birth, so what else is new?

Break It Down

I’ve got an art problem and it starts with “impatience”.

It’s much more fun look at your own than make it. At least, that’s how I feel when things start taking longer than I’d like. For the most part, I can reasonably assume how long something will take to finish because I’ve done it before. If it’s more than a day, the idea doesn’t leave my head. And I hate that.

The reason that happens is if something goes on for too long, I get bored of it, especially if I’m been working on it for several hours in a row. The longest I’ve ever worked on something was 14 hours and I still wasn’t finished. It’s not too hard to see why I didn’t want to open an art program again for a while.

I asked for advice on DeivantArt’s forum and I got two ideas I found useful. One was to take some time to make a bunch of rough drafts and sketches. It’s still practice and it’s hard to really get bored when they take about a half hour at most. That was a good idea to me because I do sketching. Can make everything messy and clean it up later. Besides, who says they all have to make it off the page? Some of my drawings never leave the sketchbook, which is probably good because some of them are really bad ideas.

The other idea was breaking down the process into smaller goals to achieve for the day instead of worrying about finishing the whole thing at once and getting it all done as soon as possible. Unless I don’t want to digitize it, my drawing process usually goes in this order: pencil sketch, transfer, outline, details, color, shade, background, sign and watermark, upload. Done. Depending on the size of what I’m trying to make, that can be a very long process, and it never looks like it took as long as it did. Something I spent three weeks on will often look like it only took half a day.

I feel like doing so makes me lazy, but I like the idea that I can just do one part at a time and decide I’m done of the day instead of trying to get it done as quickly as possible. That’s probably why they look so bad in the first place, in addition to the low skill I have. That’s not a new idea to me. Just one I always felt made me a lazy person because I’m making it easy on myself. Of course, if this is supposed to be fun, I probably should do that. I’m not exactly trying to make a career out of this. Having to rush, and still being unable to keep up, is why I never did well in art classes during high school.

I don’t know when I’m going to create or rework something again, but whenever I’ll do, I’ll give that idea a shot. Hopefully, it’s something I can manage to stick to.

Stupidly Optimistic

I haven’t been feeling well over the past few days.

I’ve been going over some of my previous posts on this blog, and some of my old stories and art on my story blog and DA account. I don’t draw anymore and I write very little. It wasn’t a conscious choice to give it up. I just began slowing down and eventually stopped doing it. Although it’s a conscious choice now since I realized that.

Some of the posts I’ve written here make me embarrassed when I go back and read them. There’s a post from January 2015 I read over where I’m pretty much confident and optimistic about the year regarding art. Now that it’s 2016, I want to go back in time and choke myself like the moron I was at the time to be writing that.

There’s a question that goes “What would you do if you knew you wouldn’t fail?” My answer to that question is many things. But that’s not reality, so it’s a silly question. My first failure/mistake was thinking I could draw or write anything good in the first place. And no, “everyone learns at their own pace” doesn’t help me feel better. That just tells me I’m slow.

I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself or my life. I do know art won’t be a part of it. Looking over the pictures and stories I made in the past makes me somewhat nostalgic and wish I could go back to those times when I enjoyed it. The truth is it’s not fun anymore. I’m not sure when it happened, but somewhere down the line, drawing and writing lost their charm, especially the former. I don’t plan things to write anymore. I just write whatever comes to mind. Perhaps the loss of interest is the consequence for becoming interested in drawing for a poor reason to begin with (wanting to make fan art).

Everyone can’t be the best, but some people aren’t best at anything. Likewise, no one can be good at everything, but some people aren’t good at anything. If I could go back to 2010 (which was a bad year to begin with due to family drama), I’d never pick up a pencil to do anything except write a school assignment.

My only problem regarding art now is what to do with my sketchbooks. One is already full, but the second is only half-full and the third is completely empty. I suppose I could toss them out, but I’d hate to waste so much paper.

I’m going to end this post with a post from Whisper and my relation to it.

Story of my life. One of the biggest lies I was told as a kid is “It’ll be okay.” No, it won’t. It will not be okay.

Falling Apart Into Place

I’ve lost a lot of my hobbies lately, all due to lack of interest. Read the rest of this entry »

Where I Stand

I didn’t really enjoy 2014 and I don’t think 2015 will be much different. However, it seems I’m on good standing for the time-being. My only concern is finding a job. Really, at this rate, I’m looking for multiple jobs, but I’ve got to start with one.

I have a relationship that seems to be slowly and steadily progressing. Sunny does want to see me, and the silly arguments have become less frequent and replaced by “lovey-dovey” silliness. Hopefully, we’ll meet each other during one of the remaining 360 days. He hasn’t said much more about the illness he has, so I assume he’s alright for the present. That’s my biggest hope for this year. He survives that illness.

I’ve started an art blog (linked under my list of Tumblr ones). I’ve settled on becoming a freelance animator and web designer. I still have no clue how to start, but I figured an art blog is a good first step. Of course, I have to improve my art and that’s what that blog is for. I have a lot of work to do. I’ve started with at least one drawing a week so far. Some by hand and some by computer. I know how to create animation. After I improve my art, I have to learn how to make good animation. And I do plan to attend college for those careers eventually, but not for a few more years. I’m going to work first. It’s a slow start, but it’s still a start.

I’m also keeping myself busy with games and writing. I know it’s not really work, but I can’t just lay around because I’m out of school. I’m writing chapters for my Sims games and OC groups, and playing through the newest Pokémon games, Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire. I also have certain characters and outfits I need to draw for more than one of my series. I’m not really worrying about getting a driver’s license since the only car we have can’t legally be driven (no insurance).

I don’t want to bite off more than I can chew because that’s what usually causes me to fail, but I’ve said I want to learn more languages and I think I may start using DuoLingo to do that. Perhaps not now, but when I get more of this stuff done. And I will finally finish up the Sailor Moon 90s anime. It’s really ridiculous I haven’t finished it yet.

I’m also going to delete the Pokémon Platinum wedlocke I was doing. That’s simply not something I’m going to get done, so there’s no point in leaving it there. I don’t like to be on camera anyway.