The Year of No Love?

Seems the only thing I can make last is my job. Which is good.

I came to realize something about my (ex?)boyfriend: he likes sleeping. A lot.

I invited him to sleep at my house since I moved and the others in the household were okay with it. I know he likes to sleep late. However, I assumed it was common manners to not sleep until 3pm in someone else’s home.

Apparently not. In fact, he claims expecting him not to sleep late in my home was an unspoken expectation.

I never realized before that day I had to tell him how to behave. I suppose that’s a lesson about assuming everyone has the same idea of manners as you.

By the time he finally got up, I had to go out for some errands. He didn’t want to come and I didn’t want to argue, so I left him be to play games and YouTube on my TV. And brought back food.

Somehow, he can’t figure out why I’m upset. I feel like this is the line between “lacking foresight” and “being clueless”.

I am by no means super productive on my days off. However, if he only came to sleep all day and play games the rest of the afternoon, why did he want to come at all? By the time I came back, he had to leave within an hour for the bus. I should mention the night before was fine. Only the morning was the problem.

I dared to finally open my mouth about being upset yesterday. Only to be dismissed with an accusation of placing silent expectations on him (again, I’m supposed to tell a grown man how to behave?), and worsening his depression because of my “mood swing” (I was upset since the morning; hardly a mood swing).

I don’t want any more sleepovers at my place or his.

I’m also starting to wonder if I really want this to be my life.

To celebrate our fifth anniversary, we were planning a trip. But I think that planning has now been left to me, and I think I’m going to cancel. I don’t want to spend money on a hotel and park, only for him to sleep every morning away and spend the afternoon and night in the arcade. Yes, I love video games too, but not like that. If I’m going to spend my time alone in the park while he does his thing, why not go alone to begin with?

Come to think of it, I liked cats a lot more too before he got his. I digress.

I said I want to marry him. But I really don’t anymore. It goes without saying I’m not adventurous, but there’d hardly be any difference between him and a platonic roommate. No, I don’t want to spend of my life at war with his sleeping differences.

Before the new year, I was teasing a bit I want to do things like skating and biking with him. He vehemently opposed due to never having done those things, but I want to do them for that reason. But after this, I just invited a friend to go skating when we both find the free time together. She readily agreed.

It’s nice to have someone to do things with, but I think I better re-adjust to doing them alone. He’s not committing a crime. He’s doing what he likes best and I can’t hold it against him. But it’s obvious we don’t match up in that. I suppose there’s a reason for the expression that if you want something done, you have to do it yourself.

I begged him at least once every year of our relationship (minus this one) to take me strawberry-picking. Turns out there are farms for that in my state. I guess I can add that to my list.

As for the trip I mentioned, I guess I’ll go alone, take family, or simply keep the money in my savings.

Maybe “no love” is over-exaggerating. But there is definitely “nothing in common”.

More Work, Fewer Paychecks

So far, my new position as full-time has been good. There’s only one problem I was unaware of before transferring: full-time employees are paid bi-weekly.

Bad.

Yes, I know being paid bi-weekly means a bigger paycheck, but that’s a big duh because it’s payment for two weeks instead of one. I prefer getting paid weekly, and if anything, that’s encouragement to return to my old site as soon as I no longer need full-time hours (although I’ll ask if pay is still weekly before transferring!). That’s also, for me, less motivation to go any higher than I am now… especially since the pay rate switches from hourly to salary at certain levels. I will be absolutely damned if I work overtime and am essentially on call for no extra money. I will not work twelve hours and get paid for eight. No! And yes, salary is cheaper than hourly for that reason, so companies do it.

In the realm of first world problems, however, I’m disappointed I now have only two Fridays to look forward too. The other two are bland. Getting my paycheck would motivate me to go to work to make more money, and after the getting over the hurdle of the weekend and Monday, I’d look forward to Friday being close again. Now, that happiness is thirteen days away instead of six. It definitely makes me miss my old site, and makes me envious of my boyfriend, who still gets to joyfully await his paycheck in the pre-dawn hours of every Friday.

Yes, I know bi-weekly pay is cheaper for companies and that’s why they do it. Why else would companies advertise weekly pay as a perk of a job? It is one of those perks that entices me and I would leave my current job in a heartbeat if I found a full-time job that pays weekly. Considering the apparent rarity, if such a job worked out, that company would have me for a long time.

The easy answer would be give myself something else to look forward to on the Fridays I don’t get paid, but I work Saturday to Tuesday, so that’s easier said than done. However, I am trying to switch my schedule to Monday to Thursday, so I always have weekends off. Then, I’ll definitely have something to look forward to every Friday.

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The Poison of Fandoms

First off, I want to say thank you to all those who still visited my blog, in spite of zero posts last month. A life of work and sleep leaves you little time to juggle all of the other parts of your life.

My last post was about Twilight Sparkle of MLP. I’ve watched more of the show in bits, and though she is still my favorite of the main/mane cast for personality, my most favorite characters are the setting’s rulers. However, this post isn’t about that.

I’ve been a part of fandoms, starting with the Sims, for seven years. I found out later on it was a grave mistake. Every fandom I’ve joined, especially those with a large following, proved itself to be a cesspool of poison. Essentially, there were rules about what made you a “true fan”, certain opinions were not allowed, and admins of certain areas proved to be extremely biased. Knowing this, it was very much against my better judgement to join a Facebook group for MLP, but in my new love for the show and excitement for the movie, I did. Within two days, I resigned. I suppose that’s a record.

The reason I left is, apparently, a fictional movie about ponies is serious business. So serious, any posted spoilers about said movie warranted banning any member who did so, and the admins, unsurprisingly, refused to consider they could be acting unreasonably (then again, I suppose that’s to be expected from someone who considers being the admin of a Facebook group a job). Remember, we are talking about a film of animation. Not poverty, war, hunger, homelessness, crime, abuse, or any other truly serious issue. A film aimed at under-aged girls. I love cartoons, something I’ve made very evident over the years, but it is not that serious. And I say this having bought an MLP shirt from the kids section at my job because it could fit me.

While the bright side is I wasn’t alone in my opinion (other members of the group agreed and were probably shortly kicked out, and members of the Disney group I’m in agreed that was out of line as well), it saddens me how difficult it is to find a community of any fandom that is rational and tolerant. It seems the only exception to this rule are small communities, which truly is a shame. Having had my love of so many things murdered by their fandoms, one of which I ranted about for a good while, I certainly didn’t want my merely one-month-old love of MLP to fall to the same fate, especially not at the childishness of Facebook warriors in a group I was a part of for two days, and with the movie coming out so soon. I left before my love for the show could take a heavy hit. But I can’t say I’m not disappointed with how poorly things turned out. Perhaps it was deserved for allowing my excitement to cloud my better judgment against joining the group to begin with.

I realize it is the internet, and social media websites in particular are notorious for being wells of addictive, yet poisonous muck. As much as I dislike it, it makes me understand the stereotype of people in fandoms being anti-social recluses with little going on in their lives. It’s a painful thing to admit, possessing so many loves of so much light-hearted media myself, but the toxicity I’ve found across so many fandoms isn’t allowing me to deny or be confused about why the stereotype exists. After all, why would someone who is content and enjoying their life feel the need to be controlling over something so trivial? The internet permits a huge amount of imaginary power, and power is addicting.

Of course, in the end, fandoms aren’t needed to keep a love of something going. I still have every intention of seeing MLP’s film and I am still very much fawning over the show. While the show’s lessons are occasionally questionable, perhaps the admins of that group missed the second half of the title: friendship is magic. I’m sure Twilight Sparkle, the princess of friendship, would be disappointed.

Falling Apart Into Place

I’ve lost a lot of my hobbies lately, all due to lack of interest. Read the rest of this entry »