Your Judgement Isn’t Important

Anger is swirling inside me right now.

I spent the whole day with my boyfriend. As always, I had a great time. However, we accidentally left his home a bit too late and, as a result, I had to take a much later train home than I intended. It was a genuine accident and we know we have to be more careful now.

So, why am I angry? Because when I sent a message to my uncle to let him know I’d be late, we got into a discussion about it and at one point, he said this to me: “He’s not important.”

“He” is referring to my boyfriend, of course. This isn’t the first time my uncle’s said that either and, frankly, I’m becoming less and less tolerant of these comments. I ignore them because my boyfriend doesn’t hear them, which is what I care about most, and they do not affect either of us personally. I don’t expect him to be considered important to anyone in my family. They don’t know him. But to say he’s not important at all? No!

Not only is he important to me, he is important as a person overall. Why? Let me break it up:

  • He was upset about being late and blamed himself for it. (Empathy)
  • He saw to it that I got on the train I needed and wouldn’t be any later than I already was. (Responsibility)
  • He told me to call him when I got home because he wanted to know I made it home safely. (Caring/Concern)
  • He apologized again after I called him. (Kindness)

There’s much more than that, but those are the ones relevant to this instance. You don’t have to be a big shot to be important. Everyone is important to at least two people: themselves and someone else. And I certainly hope he considers himself as important and valuable as I consider him.

I’ve told my boyfriend enough about my family for him to be able to make some scathing comments of his own, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t know them just like they don’t know him, yet he manages to be the bigger person in this matter. I love him for that, and I love him overall and the devil will have to rise before I let my family decide who I should deem important and unimportant. I could deem several of my uncle’s past relationships unimportant, but that wouldn’t make me any more mature than him, and they’re not mine to place a value on anyway. So, I don’t.

Getting in deeper, my boyfriend is one of the three people (the other two are my best friend, and high school clinician) who’s had – and still continues to have – a huge positive impact on me and my life. He’s important to my health, my well-being, and me as a person. He’s added a lot to me and my life I don’t want to ever have taken. He’s become another reason I’m happy I did not take my life years ago when I was heavily suicidal. I didn’t know him around the time and thinking that I so easily never could’ve saddens me. Heck, when I think about how it was pure luck I met him (I randomly decided to log into OKC after being fed up with it), I feel a bit stunned.

Yes, he is very important to me and I prioritize him. Sure, sometimes, other things come first because different things need attention at different times, but he and our relationship absolutely are a priority for me and unless the day comes when we decide to cut ties (which I hope will never happen), that’s how my priorities will always be. No amount of mean comments will make me regret that.

I Found The Diamond

There’s an expression that goes, “Never ignore someone who cares for you because someday, you’ll realize you’ve lost a diamond while you were busy collecting stones.”

I couldn’t find a quote about finding a diamond among stones, but I did find one. Lots of stones. Annoying stones that hurt my foot. But I talked about the “stones” last week and I’ve finally kicked them all back in their pond.

So, why do I mention the quote? Because not only did I almost lose the diamond, I almost missed it entirely.

I met him way back in January, when I was still traipsing OKC. In fact, it was the second day of the year. I don’t even know why I logged in that day, but I suppose it was on the off-chance something good was in my inbox and I had nothing better to do. Being honest, my very first thought before even checking the message was along of the lines of a snarky “Hmm, let’s see what you want.” Gladly, that little bit of cynicism vanished because the conversation that followed was very pleasant.

To keep this story from getting long, I’ll sum up the rest. We met in-person after two months to go see Cinderella and since then, we’ve been meeting up with each other every so often ever since. He holds the record in my book for shortest time taken to bring someone home (not in that context!).

I can honestly say he’s one of the kindest people I’ve ever known in my life. He doesn’t complain about anything and has gone out of his way multiple times to make things easy for me. Sometimes, I feel like I am not deserving of him because he is just that nice to me.

Along with being the only good that came out of OKC, he’s pretty much the highlight of this year for me. I never have a bad day with him and I always look forward to the next day I’ll be able to spend with him. He’s shown me a lot of things and I even got to have my first sleepover with him. I feel bad I can’t bring him to my home like he’s brought me to his, but he does not deserve to be subjected to my family. He’s way too nice for that.

There is a part of me that fears I’m letting myself fall into an illusion and I’m setting myself up to be let down later. That’s not out of distrust of him, but out of my own insecurities and fears from all of my previous experiences, not to mention all the failed relationships within my family. But I try not to think about that because I’m genuinely happy to have him in my life and I want him to stay for a long time.

Game Over

Let’s run down the list of men I’ve had the pleasure of meeting from OKC. None will be named.

  • Three who I met once and never heard from again, one of whom I had a very unpleasant experience with and I will never engage in that particular activity.
  • One who wanted me for literally nothing more than sex, the one who I cut off, reconciled with months later, and was dumped by for being too nervous and twitchy.
  • One who I had a one month long relationship with that he ended because he wanted to solely focus on school.
  • One who I never met in person because it seemed there was never a good time, and arranging even one meet-up for a day was apparently complicated.
  • Finally, one who I’ve been seeing regularly since March and still am. I’ll talk more about him later.

Now, I won’t pretend I didn’t get good times out of the ones in the middle. When the problems were aside for a while, I genuinely was glad to know them and have them in my life for the period of time they were. However, all of the above, with the exception of the last one, brings me to this conclusion: Dating sucks!

I would not repeat any of those experiences if I had the chance, but the upside of having them is I’ve learned a couple of things from each. Really, the unpleasant activity I mentioned probably had the strongest lesson, which was do not let your curiosity get the better of you! That’s literally the only reason I did it. Yes, stupid, I know.

I’m glad I waited until I was an adult to jump into this game, however. I really can’t say any of these are experiences I would’ve wanted to have when I was still in my teens, even if I was 16 or 17. While I don’t believe I would’ve been more easily influenced, I do believe they would’ve had a greater negative impact than they did. Not to mention I would’ve given up much sooner and probably wouldn’t have met who I’m with now due to age difference (18yrs w/ 16yrs = jail time!). Sure, I wouldn’t have known him, but since I do, I’m happy I stayed out of the game until later.