Time Forgets Some Wounds

Sometimes, memory is a bad thing. A very bad thing.

Today in school, I had an odd mood swing. I was fine up until my sixth period class, where I got insanely hyper for no apparent reason. Then, at seventh period, I shut down. “Shut down” is what I say when I don’t exactly feel sad, but it’s the closest to how I’m feeling. I did nothing in this class. I wasn’t feeling better by 8th period and did everything slowly: walking in the hallway with my head down, barely paying attention despite wanting to, writing slowly, having my head down with my arms crossed.

Then, for no reason, I started thinking about the past abuse I dealt with as a child. Mostly my mother screaming “Answer Me” at my face, but some other things. I also remembered the times she hit me and threatened to, but the screaming came to my mind more. Alright, maybe screaming isn’t abuse and the hitting borders on it (I really don’t know), but it’s not something I recall helping me down the line in any way. After those memories, I started thinking of a scene from a TV show where a woman in her early twenties is called nothing because she slacks off at new job. Except I put myself in the scene and imagined wanting to throw myself off a building after that. I imagined this several times in different ways and eventually started crying. Fortunately, not much and no one noticed.

Why this happened, I don’t know, but it’s not the first time. I don’t do it on purpose. After all, who’d want to recall something painful? So my wish for this Wednesday is that I could forget all of this and every painful memory I have of my childhood and adolescence. That wouldn’t leave many for childhood, but I’d rather remember nothing than remember hurt.

This Makes Me Uneasy…

I know I’ve done serious posts before, but nothing like this. This actually makes me sick.

Yesterday, on one of the forums I frequent, a member posted this video. I’ll give you a heads-up before you click it. The video is of a father whipping his two teen daughters with an electrical cord for making a “twerking” (butt-shaking) video on Facebook.

I’m not a parent and have no plans to be one. I don’t feel I can judge anyone’s parenting. But watching this video just brought up bad childhood memories for me. There’s a point in the video where one of the girls shouts, “I’m sorry, Daddy!” As if seeing the punishment wasn’t enough, hearing that did it for me.

What that father did to his daughters is the same thing my mother did to me. The earliest I can remember is age seven. My mother denies any account of it happening, but my childhood isn’t that blurry. I’m not even sure if it was abuse or not because some say it is and some say it isn’t because no marks or bruises were left. I really have no idea. All I know is I now have a strong resolve of never allowing someone to hit me ever again.

I would say if it’s abuse, I hope law enforcement sees this and interferes, but I know how much worse that could make these girls’ lives. No abuser will be make their actions blatant because they know the potential consequences. Of course, it could turn out differently than what I know, but that’s not likely since these girls are teens.

I hope this doesn’t sound creepy, but I wish these girls lived near me and we were friends so I could bring them gifts or something. If they’re anything like me, they’re fine by now, but something is still lingering and I don’t mean the physical pain. Sorry if that doesn’t make sense.

My Climbing Days Are Gone

When I was a kid, I loved to climb! I climbed on everything – fences, trees, walls, poles. I once climb to the very top of a street sign. I wish my mom had taken a picture. That’s my favorite childhood memory.

Since I’m not little anymore, I can’t climb. I’m too heavy and it would look awkward anyway. Yet, I still wish I could climb now as I did back then, or that I had the ability to. The only thing I can climb now is a staircase.

But I guess all good things must come to an end. *sigh*