Ten Years: A Reflection

April 27, 2022 — Kaye

I debated between making this a birthday post or a blog anniversary one. I chose birthday since it’s not about the blog.

Today is my 28th birthday. A decade since what was supposed to be my HS graduation year (was forced to take an extra year due to transferring districts). It feels rather surreal. I don’t know how to feel about it.

I know 18-year-old me would be surprised I’m still here, and at the things I do. I dealt with bullying throughout all of my school years. Always had a few friends, but was overall extremely shy, didn’t do extracurriculars, and struggled with schoolwork. Didn’t date at all (because any guy who asked me out did it only as a joke), and I was heavily sheltered, so outside of the occasional afternoon with a friend, my time out of school was spent at home. Wanted to work, but they didn’t want me to do even that. Yet, complained I never went out. Huh.

If you told me at the age of 18 that in ten years, I’d:

  • Almost never spend a full day at home
  • Have a relationship of now 7 years with someone who cannot take his eyes off of my undressed body
  • DRIVE (I failed the class my high school provided us and never tried again)
  • Regularly travel between NJ and NY, and travel all over NJ (I used to do Uber/Lyft)
  • Meet men who deem me attractive, and who flirt with me (I hate this, but it still shocks me)
  • Be in college again, do well, and not hate it (dropped out of college when I was 19)
  • Have money, have credit, get into investing (Budget? In my family? What is that?)
  • Wouldn’t be pregnant (never wanted kids, but family always talked about pregnancy as something inevitable; everyone is a single parent or in a toxic marriage, no in between)

And, finally, the biggest one of all:

  • Be capable of holding down a full-time job and financially supporting myself, even if I struggle for a while. (Everyone from my family to my teachers told me I wouldn’t make it in adulthood if my grades didn’t get better, and my high school pushed college as a life or death thing)

If you told me at 18 this is what I could reflect on in ten years, I’d call you a liar and glare at you like you sprouted a second head. If 2020 hadn’t been the year it was, my boyfriend and I would’ve moved in together, but it’s now in the cards for 2023.

I say often I don’t feel my life differs much from when I was a teenager, but what I listed above is very different. None of that describes me at 18 at all.

But I still want someone to hug me, rub my back, and tell me I’m okay. I still need that.

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When those “like other girls” are bullies…

December 8, 2019 — Kaye

Recently, I asked my boyfriend’s opinion on the backlash against “not like other girls”. Like me, he knows how it feels to grow up bullied and being treated differently, and struggling to accept those supposed differences, so I had to ask what he thinks of it suddenly being a bad thing to not be like the others.

His answer? “Hypocrites. They spent so much time hating others for their differences. Now, they suddenly want to unite and say we’re the same? What changed?”

I never thought of it that way, but I do agree.

A question I’ve posed lately on posts and groups about this topic is if a girl who grew up hearing constantly from other girls that she isn’t like them, was excluded and ostracized from groups in general, and wanted nothing more than to be like the other girls becomes a “not like other girls” girls when she finally gets fed up of failing to fit in and tries to embrace those differences that make the other girls reject her.

So far, I have received no answer to that question. Which further makes me agree with my boyfriend and believe the backlash against “not like other girls” is utter garbage.

No, I don’t want to be like the other girls who took joy in making my school life hell. No, I don’t want to be friends with the girls who mocked my appearance on a daily basis. Yes, I will proudly be “not like other girls” when the other girls spread vicious rumors about me, stole my lunch food, tossed my backpack out of a school bus, and never received consequences for their bullying behavior.

It was cool for girls (and boys) to bully, exclude, and antagonize a girl for not being like them. Now, it’s cool to do it when the girl is finally fed up and decides she doesn’t care if she’s not like them. It sounds to me like it’s okay for the other girls to decide she’s not like other girls, but it’s not okay for a girl to decide for herself she isn’t like the other girls… even if she has never stopped hearing it.

If the girl can’t fit in because the other girls deem she’s not like them, and she can’t embrace whatever those differences are because she is like them, the final option is for that girl to live her life hating herself. Poor girl.

To me, this is akin to the bully who beat you up and slammed you in a locker every day suddenly claiming to be a better person because he found God/Jesus/religion. I can’t help wondering how many of these preachers against “not like other girls” were the girls who bullied other girls for not being like them, and are now shaming those girls for deciding they no longer care if they’re not like them. Because if those girls finally accept what their bullies have told them and actually embrace it – that they are not like them and their group, and they are going to be proud of that – their bullies can’t bully them anymore about being different anymore. So, shame them for that pride and tell them they’re the same. And meticulously leave out how and why those girls became “not like other girls” girls to begin with.

In short, as far as I’m concerned, the preachers against “not like other girls” can fuck off. You didn’t want to my friend when I wanted nothing more than to be yours and join your circle. I’m not a crying elementary schoolgirl in her little blue uniform anymore. I don’t want to be your friend now that you suddenly deemed we are alike after all. Just don’t break your arm patting your back for being “inclusive” now.

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No Forgiveness

February 2, 2019 — Kaye

A comic I will not link to because it’s maddening prompted this post.

I have a big problem with the concept of forgiveness. It’s supposed to be “healing”. As far as I’ve been able to see, it’s a way to excuse the bad things people do.

The comic was about bullying. In summary, the artist’s childhood bully was once her friend, but ditched her because she (the bully) became popular. Artist finds the bully on Facebook years later to discover she and the other kids who mistreated her have grown up and live normal lives while the artist wishes she could erase those awful years from her life.

I know the feeling.

The title described it as a “heart-melting comic”, but there is nothing that melts my heart about knowing people can mistreat or flat-out ruin years of your life with no remorse and carry on like normal while you live with the after effects. I consider those people borderline sociopaths.

Yes, people can argue there’s no point in being angry years later and, to an extent, I agree. However, as far as I am concerned, I have the right to be angry with my bullies because they made my school life a living hell, and the adults had zero power to stop it (heads up: “tell an adult” is the most worthless advice that can ever be given in regards to bullying). They are part of the reason I want to burn my childhood to ashes, and I am supposed to forgive them because time passed? Because “kids will be kids” {so, why bother with discipline?)? Of course, they’ve moved on. Bullies don’t have remorse or they wouldn’t do it. But they do not deserve forgiveness and I won’t forgive them because, even if I will never see them again, I refuse to justify and excuse what they did to me!

No, it’s not okay to hurt someone because it will be in the past. No, it’s not okay for children to be bullies because they are children. No, time passing does not excuse someone’s abusive actions. And no, I do not wish any of my bullies a happy life. Perhaps it now makes me border on sociopathic, but for what they did to me for all of those years, I wish them nothing less than the absolute hell they gave me!

No, I don’t live my life angry every second. The only reason I even thought about it is I came across that comic. But I do not, and I will never, forgive my bullies for how they treated me.

Forgiveness is not a right and not everyone deserves the privilege.

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Bullying

April 15, 2014 — Kaye

There are three topics that get deeply under my skin: abortion, rape, and bullying. This post is about the last of those three.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2604933/Mother-speaks-11-year-old-sons-suicide-attempt-teased-carrying-My-Little-Pony-backpack.html

This 11-year-old child was driven to suicide because his a**hole little classmates wouldn’t stop bullying him. And no, I do not care that I just called a group of kids a**holes. Why should I? Look what they did to this kid!

I dealt with bullying every year I was in school. I know what it feels like. I know how it feels to be suicidal. Knowing what happened to this child makes me want to bust through a wall. What really angers me is many people would say the kid simply shouldn’t have kept the backpack. Why? Because a bunch of little f***ing brats don’t know how to behave?! If it were possible and I were in charge of the school, I’d round up every kid who tortured this child, make them apologize to his face, and suspend them from school.

Moreso, this is one of the big reasons I do not want to be a parent. If this boy were my son, I would’ve found a way to bring down hell on Earth for him having to deal with that nonsense. And if one of his bullies were my child, his/her life would become miserable. No, I wouldn’t hit them or even yell at them. Just strip them of every privilege available for a period of time and have them apologize to that child directly with a gift included.

I hated school when I was attending and I still hate it, despite that I no longer attend. Why? This. In fact, I’d say I hate it even more because this nonsense is still happening and it always will be.

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I’m Not Sure If This Is Badly Funny Or Just Pitiful

February 28, 2013 — Kaye

Last night, my grandfather stayed home from work because he was drunk. Fourth time, I think. I really wish he had gone to work because I wouldn’t have heard the nonsense I’m about to tell you.

I won’t repeat it all here, but basically, he spent a good half hour on the phone expressing some homophobic and transphobic crap. The things he said were just disgusting. I’m not sure if his friend agreed or not because I could only hear him, but it seemed like his friend disagreed.

Apparently, they were talking about the transgender six-year-old whose parents sued the school for not letting her use the girls’ bathroom. Now, admittedly, I think that’s a bit much, but as for the child being transgender and considering herself to be a girl instead of a boy as she was physically born? I say there’s nothing wrong with that.

Really, what’s the issue? The kid feels like she should’ve been born female and not male. A lot of people say six is too young to know something like that, but I disagree. Sometimes, you just know early on. Maybe you don’t realize it or have the word for it yet, but you just know a certain thing about you. When I was a kid, I often said I liked girls. I only meant I would rather be friends with girls, but I do remember thinking I would rather marry a girl because boys were too rough or mean. What’s my sexuality? Exactly. I think I knew back then, but just didn’t realize it until my teen years.

I get that my grandfather’s from a very different generation, but I don’t think that’s an excuse because I’ve met people his age and older who weren’t bigots. He simply decides that anything he doesn’t like is wrong, whether or not it actually is. He said allowing this child to be transgender is child abuse – that the parents were forcing her – and she should be taken away. No. The parents made too big a scene, I think, but it’s not child abuse for them to allow their male-to-female transgender child to be who she is. He went so far as to say kids like that grow up confused and shoot up places because of it. No, if they shoot up places, it’s because of bigots like him. Not that I think anybody, even bigots, deserve to be killed, but that kind of nonsense can push someone over the edge and if not homicide, it’ll be suicide. Tragedy either way.

My feelings on this whole thing can really be summed up in these few words: Can’t we just act like decent human beings, love each other and shut the heck up?!

Obviously, no, but it’s a thought.

Coy Mathis

What a cute little girl!

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