Missing Him

At my job, two co-workers I am friends with, one of whom is a manager, recently began dating. Granted, I’m not sure how long “recently” is, but to the best of my memory, about two months or so. He had a crush on her and the day he planned to finally ask her out, she (the manager) did it first. It’s a cute story, and I genuinely hope things work well for them. At the same time, I’d be a liar if I wasn’t a little bit envious.

Not because I want to date either of them, but because I wish I had the privilege of seeing my boyfriend as often as they see each other. Make no mistake. I absolutely adore my boyfriend and have eyes for no one except him, but the thirty miles between us across our neighboring states kills me inside at times. To be blatant, every time I see a couple together, I think of him and wish we could be together at that moment. I know it could be worse. He could on the other side of the country or on the other side of the world. That we can see each other the one or two times a month we manage to is a privilege in itself. But that truly doesn’t help me miss him any less.

I know there is such a thing as too much time together. That applies to us too. We’d probably kill each other if we had to spend every waking moment together. But I’d rather have too much time together than not enough. At least, we could avoid each other for a few hours or days if we were getting aggravated and make up later.

My co-workers, when they have shifts together (this particular manager does not make the schedule), will share their lunch break with each other. When she has to be on the floor, he’ll usually work with her and they’ll talk about whatever they please as they do returns or clear the floor area. Or if she’s counting out at the register to close them down for the night and we have no customers in line, they’ll chat together as she counts and he’ll walk her to back as she carries the register drawers (policy is that two people must walk with the drawers, though of course, she doesn’t let him in the cash office). I’d give anything to have that with my boyfriend. Perhaps it’d get old after a while, but again, we could avoid each other until we felt better. Really, I’d give anything for us to live in the same town, let alone have the privilege of working together at a job.

I feel bad for being envious of them. They are my friends, after all, and friends should not be jealous. I am truly happy for them since they are both sweet and funny people, and they don’t get angry if an employee talks to the one who’s the opposite gender (we had a couple at work before where the woman harassed me because her boyfriend, who was my boss and hers, would have to speak to me or I’d have to speak to him). I feel like I sound unappreciative of my boyfriend, which is not the case at all. I’d certainly rather see him only twice a month than not have him at all. I took off Fridays so if he’s not scheduled, we’re almost guaranteed to have that one day of the week together for a few hours (though I do have to work this coming Friday, and he has to work on the next, so that won’t really go into effect for two weeks).

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. Absence also makes the heart break and causes it sorrow. I want what my friends have: the privilege of being a couple who can share their job. I want the thirty miles between us to be a 30 minute walk between us. I want being apart to be an option more often than it is mandatory.

I just want him to be here.

Bad Day, Bad Week

This week has not been a good one. Yesterday, I lost a friend and today, I lost my boyfriend. Reason? He’s going to become very busy over the summer. In spite of me making it clear I have no problem, he feels it’s wrong to have me waiting (because, apparently, waiting is torture).

I wish I had never entered the dating/relationship world. It’s been nothing but heartbreak. I didn’t expect to find the “right” person right away or I expected things to be perfect, but I cannot deal with having my heart broken over and over again. I’d rather stay alone.

The only bright side to this is I still have my virginity. I’d prefer to still have my first kiss too, but I guess it’s no big deal. I’ve kissed my mom and sister on the lips, so it’s not like it was the very first time my lips have touched someone else’s.

I miss Emmi. Yes, after everything I just said, I still miss Emmi and I have no chance to get him back. He may be a borderline sex maniac, but if that meant I didn’t have to worry about a breakup, I would’ve given it to him from the start. In a way, I still want him to have my virginity. Of course, he could’ve easily taken it and gotten rid of me, so I’m fantasizing here, but sex was the only thing I had to worry about with Emmi. Maybe that’s why he loves it so much.

At least, I probably set the record for shortest relationship.

I Miss Him…

I hate to say it, but I really do miss Emmi.

That’s why I haven’t posted much. I’m not going to call him, but I admit there’s not a day that’s gone by when I consider going back on what I said.

It’s more that I miss talking to him, really. Sex-obsessed or not, he was genuinely a nice person and I really liked talking to him. He listened to me and he did understand some of my troubles. He even comforted me a few nights when I was struggling and thinking of hurting myself. It was nice to have someone I could vent to and basically respond with “I get it” instead of some lecture about how it gets better. Not that I don’t appreciate the latter, but it does get annoying at times.

I’m not horribly upset, but I guess the reason I wish I could go back is that sex was literally the only issue.

But I’m probably seeing something that’s not there. For all I know, there may have been an issue besides sex and I’m probably fantasizing too much. As much as it kills me to admit it, I still like him.

*sigh* Is this going to happen with any person I may become interested in? I probably sounded like a hormone-addled teenager, but I don’t think I can do this so many times. It hurts. Not terribly, not even awfully, but it does.

Yep, I may have to do this…

Bye Bye, Emmi…

I have a broken heart tonight. And for once, it’s my fault.

I broke it off with Emmi. Just to be clear, he did not do anything wrong. He didn’t hurt me in any way.

I planned to meet him this Tuesday. I knew he wanted to do sexual activities when we met up and I was fine with that. Meeting up was my idea entirely. But when he described exactly the kind of stuff he wanted to do with me, it was too much. I couldn’t stomach it. I literally felt sick. To put it lightly, it wasn’t what I was expecting.

After that, I knew I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t go through with it. So I told him he’s going to have to find another girl. One who’s more…sexual, to say the least. Of course, he wasn’t happy and we are no longer talking, but I guess it’s better this happened before things got serious.

Yet, despite never meeting him, my heart is broken. It’s broken and it’s my fault. I broke it. But now, I know better. I know I can’t handle a sexual relationship. I know I am not ready for that. Being asexual, I’m not sure I ever will be. But that’s fine. There’s nothing wrong with me. Maybe I’ll find a another asexual person someday, but if not, I can live with it.

One thing is certain. I listened to my own intuition and I’ve never been happier that I did. I still like him, hence why my heart is broken, but I’ll get over it. I’ll be okay.