Summer Sucks

Never have I hated summer so much.

To recap: I was fired twice (though I got a better job than the others), I wasn’t paid by one job and still haven’t, my relationship is on the rocks, I have to deal with credit fraud, and a friend I’ve known for ten years suddenly no longer speaks to me.

This year as a whole has been dirt.

Had I known that Saturday would be the last happy time my (possibly ex) boyfriend would have together, I wouldn’t have posted about it.

To get into that story: I tried to help him find another job, and I did, but he refused to fill out the application because of the question that asks for consent to a drug test. Turns out he was joking (how the heck that’s a joke, I still don’t know), but I flew off the handle and I didn’t want to talk to him any more after that. I have enough deadbeats in my family. I didn’t need another one. Even after he explained himself, I still didn’t trust him and I didn’t think we were going to reconcile from that (we had already reconciled once back in June). He did apologize and admit the joke was in poor taste, and he ended up passing the drug test (cotton swab) anyway. Before he did, however, I ended up going back on the dating site we met.

You can see where this is going.

I did not think our relationship was recovering from that, I was tired of being angry, and I had no one to talk to. I went on the site to seek out people. Guilt ended up crushing me, and in the end, I spoke to two people for three days before uninstalling the app from my phone. Neither conversation went beyond “how are you” and “how was your day”, and one of the two stopped right after “hi”. I later confessed what I did to my (ex?)boyfriend. He first said he didn’t care, but later that he did and didn’t know if he could forgive me for that. Later on, he said he could and he did, but again, changed his mind and he forgave me, but couldn’t completely trust me yet. And minutes later, that he couldn’t forgive me fully at all. I expected that, but I don’t think even he knows if he can forgive me. And I don’t expect him to.

Back when we fought in June, we broke up (or I thought we did) and I blocked him from every way of contacting me. I guess I should’ve kept it that way. I never expected him to forgive me, or trust me again after what I admitted, but I find no point in spending time with him if he doesn’t. Everything I do will be viewed with the suspicion of cheating and it’ll be an endless loop of me desperately trying to prove I’m not. Again, I expect that and he has every right and reason to, but I see no point in putting either of us through that. I’d rather keep my distance until he figures out if he can forgive me or not. And if not, well, I guess I’ll already have adjusted to being without him.

For those wondering who goes on a dating app without the intention of dating, the answer is someone who’s lonely as heck and has no one to talk to about her problems. My friends are too busy, my family is not reliable, and my relationship with him was on the rocks before I confessed this. Yes, I was that desperate, and when has desperation ever lead me to make good decisions? I’m not excusing it. Hence why I don’t expect him to forgive or trust me again. August has sixteen days left and I don’t expect our relationship (if it still exists) to make it out of the month in tact. If nothing else, the tables have certainly turned (usually, I’m the one doing the forgiving; he’s lashed out at me twice, one of which involved going behind my back to my sister).

And no, I’m not going back to dating if he does cut ties with me. He’d be well within reason to, but I’ll regret I ever started in the first place (not to mention the waste of four years). I’d rather live and die alone than re-enter the dating world. At least that way, I’m the only one who gets hurt and the only time I waste is mine. Some people say as long as I enjoyed those years, they aren’t a waste, but I don’t do casual dating. I date with the intent of finding someone to spend my life with. If it doesn’t work out, yes, the time is a waste and no amount of sugarcoating will change that.

Bad Day, Bad Week

This week has not been a good one. Yesterday, I lost a friend and today, I lost my boyfriend. Reason? He’s going to become very busy over the summer. In spite of me making it clear I have no problem, he feels it’s wrong to have me waiting (because, apparently, waiting is torture).

I wish I had never entered the dating/relationship world. It’s been nothing but heartbreak. I didn’t expect to find the “right” person right away or I expected things to be perfect, but I cannot deal with having my heart broken over and over again. I’d rather stay alone.

The only bright side to this is I still have my virginity. I’d prefer to still have my first kiss too, but I guess it’s no big deal. I’ve kissed my mom and sister on the lips, so it’s not like it was the very first time my lips have touched someone else’s.

I miss Emmi. Yes, after everything I just said, I still miss Emmi and I have no chance to get him back. He may be a borderline sex maniac, but if that meant I didn’t have to worry about a breakup, I would’ve given it to him from the start. In a way, I still want him to have my virginity. Of course, he could’ve easily taken it and gotten rid of me, so I’m fantasizing here, but sex was the only thing I had to worry about with Emmi. Maybe that’s why he loves it so much.

At least, I probably set the record for shortest relationship.

Bye Bye, Emmi…

I have a broken heart tonight. And for once, it’s my fault.

I broke it off with Emmi. Just to be clear, he did not do anything wrong. He didn’t hurt me in any way.

I planned to meet him this Tuesday. I knew he wanted to do sexual activities when we met up and I was fine with that. Meeting up was my idea entirely. But when he described exactly the kind of stuff he wanted to do with me, it was too much. I couldn’t stomach it. I literally felt sick. To put it lightly, it wasn’t what I was expecting.

After that, I knew I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t go through with it. So I told him he’s going to have to find another girl. One who’s more…sexual, to say the least. Of course, he wasn’t happy and we are no longer talking, but I guess it’s better this happened before things got serious.

Yet, despite never meeting him, my heart is broken. It’s broken and it’s my fault. I broke it. But now, I know better. I know I can’t handle a sexual relationship. I know I am not ready for that. Being asexual, I’m not sure I ever will be. But that’s fine. There’s nothing wrong with me. Maybe I’ll find a another asexual person someday, but if not, I can live with it.

One thing is certain. I listened to my own intuition and I’ve never been happier that I did. I still like him, hence why my heart is broken, but I’ll get over it. I’ll be okay.