31 Days Remain

December 1, 2020 — Kaye

December 1st of 2020. It has been a very long year that cannot end quickly enough.

Yet, I find myself stuck between a rock and a hard place. As desperate as I am for 2020 to end, I am not at all looking forward to 2021.

Unfortunately, the one solution to that is one that’s very difficult.

I’m angry I couldn’t do it ten years ago. I find myself resenting the night of my accident didn’t do it for me. I resent the other two occasions I was nearly killed didn’t do it for me.

I do not want to be here any longer.

There is no point. There is no light. I’ve never been someone who was fascinated by dystopian novels and societies (Isn’t that really what history is?), so I can’t share in my friends’ ideas of enjoying the ride. I want to jump off the train.

Or the train to throw me off.

Fear of pain and greater fear of any method failing is what keeps me from trying. Any method that would be nearly a guarantee is inaccessible.

Which means I’m stuck here.

My boyfriend tells me there’s nothing better after life. No one living knows that. More so, there’s nothing in life worth living every day wishing you won’t awaken to see the next.

No, cute animals don’t make up for it.

I won’t buy a calendar for 2021. Unless I somehow finally find the bravery to make an attempt to take myself out, I’m merely going through the days. And no, “choosing to live” is not brave for me. I’m not choosing to. I’m stuck. I can’t not.

I know very well of the notion suicide is selfish. Funny how “selfish” is always said when someone can’t get their way out of someone else.

Perhaps trying so hard not to be “selfish” is part of why I feel this way.

I didn’t choose to create my life. But I got it, it’s mine, and I think I should be able to end it.

“I brought you into this world and I can take you out!”

Well, why didn’t you?

Posted in Emotions. Tags: , , , , , . 2 Comments »

Eve of New Year’s Eve

December 30, 2018 — Kaye

Counting today, there are two more days left of 2018. Truthfully, I am glad. I hated this year and I’ve been dying for it to be over since it started. Usually, there’s something that makes me not entirely regret a bad year, but 2018 is not in that category. I can call it the second worst year of my life (first worst was 2010).

In chronological order, and from bad to worse:

  • I lost my full-time position because I couldn’t keep up with the workload. Actually, I had to step down from it to avoid being fired for incompetence. If I’d know taking a promotion meant putting your employment on the line, I never would’ve asked for it.
  • I had to delay school by two months for the very stupid reason of my birthday falling after the deadline! Seriously, what pompous a**hole thought that was a good set-up? I would’ve been done with school by now, and wouldn’t have had to struggle with the hell of juggling holiday hours and school hours.
  • Falling out with my sister. We didn’t get along to begin with, but she tried to blackmail me and attempted to start a family feud via my boyfriend. I very nearly cut our relationship completely because he went behind my back to her, but he apologized and I did find out part of it was her taking advantage of his anxiety (which does notoriously make him do stupid things).
  • The Black Friday shooting I was part of. I didn’t have the heart to return to that job, and I still haven’t set foot in that mall. I’ve thought about it, but knowing that’s an annual event at that mall is too much for me to feel good about going back. And yes, I know a shooting can happen anywhere, but when it’s so commonplace that knowing it happens every year is supposed to be comforting instead of terrifying, that’s not my idea of a safe working environment. Or shopping one, for that matter. (Interestingly, I’ve been more easily startled by loud sounds since this incident, especially crowd noise)

Not a damn good thing came out of this year, and I’d gladly burn it to the ground if I could. I don’t have hopes for 2019, especially since it’s supposed to (key word) be the year I finish trade school and go into the field I studied. Note to self: avoid anything to do with networking at all costs. I’m almost expecting it to be worse than 2018, considering certain circumstances I don’t feel like getting into.

500% done with this year!

Posted in Family, Miscellaneous, School, Society, Work. Tags: , , , , , . Leave a Comment »

It’s Beginning To Look Depressing

February 28, 2015 — Kaye

I cannot get Sunny to say more to me than a single word to me lately. It looks like anything I may have had going with him is gone. I’m so tired of this, leading myself into believing things will be different and they’re not. I think I’m going to delete my account on OKC and keep it deleted. I have had enough of this. I’d rather be alone than continue this for what seems like forever.

I did make a friend from that site, and honestly, I think friendship is where I’m keeping all of my relationships now. Just having one person to speak to fairly often is enough. I don’t think I will ever see anything past that, and that’s fine. Accepting that is better than repeated disappointments.

In much happier news, that friend invited me to see Cinderella with him when it releases. I’m more interested in Frozen Fever, but hey, why not? It’ll get me away from home for a little while. I’m really thrilled for it! Anna and Elsa are such cuties! Only downside is the people who pair those two together romantically are already going nuts. I wouldn’t mind them so much if they weren’t so desperate to try to prove romance between the two is canon. It’s honestly disturbing to an extent, and it makes me wonder what kind of familial relationships they have.

I’ve been pretty busy with my Tumblr blogs lately as well. I moved my simming blog to make it a primary account, and moved three of my side blogs to be sides on my art account. Now, my main account is a little less cluttered. It’ll take a few weeks before all my posts are transferred from my old simming blog, but that’ll let the new one remain active for a good amount of time.

I hope I can get some kind of clear message from Sunny soon. I’m trying to be patient, but that’s not something I’m good at, and he is telling me nothing. I have no idea if he’s grown tired of me, if he’s extremely busy (though I doubt it), or if something else has occurred. Part of me is worried, and part of me is frustrated.

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A Bad End

December 16, 2014 — Kaye

I haven’t posted much, obviously. That’s due to a combination of not knowing what to post about and being depressed lately. 2014 ends in two weeks. I’m very glad because this year has sucked.

  • I dropped out of school because I couldn’t handle the stress or keep up with the work.
  • I had a one-month relationship. One freaking month.
  • I’m horrible with this dating thing. I’ve learned that well.
  • I gave oral sex to a guy and it was one of the worst things I’ve ever done. That’s the last time I let my curiosity get the better of me.
  • Sunny is ill, possibly fatally ill. He’s alright for the time being, but there’s no telling how long that will last.
  • I am still unemployed and it’s becoming harder and harder not to get discouraged.
  • I had to leave a forum I was a part of and enjoyed because I made one very stupid slip-up.
  • I was dumped for having anxiety.
  • Just all around feeling awful and regretting a lot of things.

If Sunny dies, I’m not looking for anyone else because I’ve had it. I know one year is very soon to be giving up, but I cannot do this over and over. I admire the people who can, but I can’t. I cannot go through five, ten, twenty, or however many years of breakups and disappointment until I find a relationship that lasts. I’d rather get pets and be happy like that.

The only good things that came out of this year are some movies I got see, a new obsession, my iPad, and time spent with my best friend.

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