Paranoia

Emmi and I had an argument recently. It’s the second argument we’ve had, but it was over the same topic: sex. I must admit it wasn’t as bad as the first argument. We made up more quickly this time, and it got amusing at one point. Maybe he wasn’t laughing, but I was. Specifically, it was when we resorted to name-calling that made me laugh. Funny how we can both be childish as hell, but neither of us will admit it.

However, unlike the last argument, he was justified with this one. Not in everything he said (Emmi can be damn cold-hearted when he’s angry), but what he was mad over itself, yes. Long story short, he was angry about me for stretching his patience and not having done anything sexual with him. Emmi is someone who needs sex while I couldn’t care less about it, despite that I’m willing to give it to him. Emmi also knows I am an overly paranoid person, though I don’t know how arguing with me is going to fix that. Granted, it’s fun to watch him turn into a big baby over not getting what he wants, but get over it.

Here’s what Emmi doesn’t know. I have reason to be as paranoid as I am. I’ve told Emmi enough for him to know that I have a long list of problems. He knows (or should know by now) that I am screwed up. I’ve been betrayed by the people who I should’ve been able to count when I was growing up, and I’ve been let down numerous times by people who I was sure I could count on. The list of people who have stabbed me in the back is probably at least twice Emmi’s age. On top of that, my family, though they’re hypocrites for it, taught me to be fearful of everything and everyone I don’t know, and that’s not a mindset I can get over in a snap. I trust Emmi to an extent. If I could do a scale, I’d say Emmi is past my family, but not even close to my best friend.

Emmi also seems to think I like being as paranoid and anxious as I am, but the truth is I don’t. I hate it. I hate it with a passion and wish I could just get rid of as if I were throwing away a worn-out pair of socks. Honestly, I feel bad for making Emmi put up with me and I have to wonder why he hasn’t given up and found someone with less problems than I have or none at all. His town’s population is likely around the same as mine. He’s got options. I don’t mean to sound like I’m trying to make him give up because I certainly am not, but when all is said and done, Emmi really doesn’t deserve to have to deal with me. I just wish he would stop taking my issues so personally.

I don’t even think this is strictly a “sexual versus asexual” problem because, as I said, I’m willing to give it to him. I think the problem is two people with a polar opposite need who are both ridiculously hard-headed. At our worst, neither of us will hear what the other has to say and nothing will work if we don’t get that solved.

It’s Not My Loss

I’m only nineteen and I feel like giving up entirely on guys already.

Yesterday, I got dumped. Sort of. We never went into a relationship with each other – didn’t even meet each other face-to-face – because I am asexual. The guy was getting impatient and questioned my interest in him. I admitted I was, but I knew he wanted a sexual relationship, so I spelled it out for him. I’m incapable of having sexual feelings. Not only did he dump me because of this, but he proceeded to ridicule me for it. This led to an argument, in which he told me to shut up three times and threatened to never speak to me again (that’s a threat?) because I repeatedly replied with “*eyeroll*” in response to his repeated replies of “Whatever”. I fail to understand how rolling your eyes is rude, but telling someone to shut up, yelling, and cursing at that person is not rude. Plus, how do you tell someone to shut up when you are the one who initiated contact?

Eventually, he revealed he had a bad day at work and hadn’t slept the previous night. So he was cranky and overtired, and took his anger out on me. I told him the rational thing to do when you’re overtired is go to sleep. I don’t know if he took the hint or not, but he didn’t reply to that. He did text me again some hours later, but I wasn’t exactly feeling forgiving, so instead of saying “Hi” back, my response was “What?” I guessed he sensed my anger because he asked if I wanted to be left alone. I was talking to three other people at once, so I didn’t respond right away, leading him to take my silence as a “yes”. When I finally did answer, I explained I was going to say it depends on if he’s going to continue to be mean towards me. Reply? Him basically calling me a liar and telling me to stop replying.

Really, I’m not disappointed. Not even upset. I’m mad about his rudeness, sure, but I couldn’t care less about him dumping me. I want nothing to do with someone who throws temper tantrums, nor am I obligated to educate someone on asexuality (which is less than 1% of the population, so I wasn’t surprised at his reaction to lack of a sex drive). I hope he finds someone with a sex drive that’s sky high. That woman will need it.

As for me, I’m talking to another guy who, so far, hasn’t expressed any kind of interest in sex, so I possibly have a relationship in the works. Even if it doesn’t work out, that’s fine. I’m not in a hurry. I got a new cell phone yesterday and I’m going shopping today, so what do I have to complain about? Nothing! 🙂