Call back: “What Do You Want To Be?”

May 29, 2022 — Kaye

When you grow up?

At the not young age of twenty-eight, I finally have the answer: a UI designer and front-end developer. I can’t say I’m surprised.

The problem is technology is very difficult to break into, especially without a degree in computer science. It’s not impossible, but so much harder. Add design on top of it, which is not exactly notorious for being an in-demand skill, and enough said. Coding itself is endless learning, and I can’t see the day I’m ready to make a project, let alone have a job, arriving in the near or far future. Doesn’t mean I won’t try, but like my previous attempts at any job outside of warehouse and customer service so far, it’ll likely prove fruitless. All my plans for the future are made with my current wage because it’s not a good idea to bet on an income you don’t have. And no, saying “I will have X” doesn’t make it happen. I would have an unbroken family, and be an only child, if that were the case.

Coding isn’t necessary to be a UI designer, but it is necessary to be a front-end developer. I have no interest in back-end or being full-stack, so I don’t care about that. Interesting thing about college graphic design programs is most require a portfolio, which is weird to me. If you can make a portfolio, a graphic design program is likely little more than a formality. I’m attending college because I don’t have the skills and am a poor self-learner. Speaking of which, I’m envious of people who can give themselves college-esque structure. Student debt is never a concern for anyone who can learn outside of academics. Yes, I can learn outside of it. School just does it better than I can. In short, I either devote more time or more money, and the latter has a specific number, so I prefer that. Easier to network when you pay for it too. Not a guarantee, but easier.

I don’t even have my certificate from my trade school anymore. I lost it at some point, but considering how the jobs from that turned out, it’s not something I want on my resume anyway. It’s still embarrassing to be ten years out of high school and have nothing to show for it, but it’s not like there’s a reunion, so who needs to know? In truth, I’ll probably be in a warehouse for the rest of my life, but it’s still better than retail, which is a much worse fate. No one is paid enough for that nonsense.

Sometimes, I feel I want degrees and courses only because I don’t know how else to move on. As I said, I am not a good self-teacher, so those are proof I’m capable of something. Granted, bachelor’s degrees are said to be the new high school diploma, and I’m getting an associate’s, so I’m still not on par. But that’s my life in a nutshell from birth, so what else is new?

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Ten Years: A Reflection

April 27, 2022 — Kaye

I debated between making this a birthday post or a blog anniversary one. I chose birthday since it’s not about the blog.

Today is my 28th birthday. A decade since what was supposed to be my HS graduation year (was forced to take an extra year due to transferring districts). It feels rather surreal. I don’t know how to feel about it.

I know 18-year-old me would be surprised I’m still here, and at the things I do. I dealt with bullying throughout all of my school years. Always had a few friends, but was overall extremely shy, didn’t do extracurriculars, and struggled with schoolwork. Didn’t date at all (because any guy who asked me out did it only as a joke), and I was heavily sheltered, so outside of the occasional afternoon with a friend, my time out of school was spent at home. Wanted to work, but they didn’t want me to do even that. Yet, complained I never went out. Huh.

If you told me at the age of 18 that in ten years, I’d:

  • Almost never spend a full day at home
  • Have a relationship of now 7 years with someone who cannot take his eyes off of my undressed body
  • DRIVE (I failed the class my high school provided us and never tried again)
  • Regularly travel between NJ and NY, and travel all over NJ (I used to do Uber/Lyft)
  • Meet men who deem me attractive, and who flirt with me (I hate this, but it still shocks me)
  • Be in college again, do well, and not hate it (dropped out of college when I was 19)
  • Have money, have credit, get into investing (Budget? In my family? What is that?)
  • Wouldn’t be pregnant (never wanted kids, but family always talked about pregnancy as something inevitable; everyone is a single parent or in a toxic marriage, no in between)

And, finally, the biggest one of all:

  • Be capable of holding down a full-time job and financially supporting myself, even if I struggle for a while. (Everyone from my family to my teachers told me I wouldn’t make it in adulthood if my grades didn’t get better, and my high school pushed college as a life or death thing)

If you told me at 18 this is what I could reflect on in ten years, I’d call you a liar and glare at you like you sprouted a second head. If 2020 hadn’t been the year it was, my boyfriend and I would’ve moved in together, but it’s now in the cards for 2023.

I say often I don’t feel my life differs much from when I was a teenager, but what I listed above is very different. None of that describes me at 18 at all.

But I still want someone to hug me, rub my back, and tell me I’m okay. I still need that.

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I Broke

September 10, 2020 — Kaye

No, that’s not a typo.

I said a few times here I like my job, and I do. But much like my previous job, that doesn’t mean I like what they do.

Something I recently realized is we have “6ft sensors”, but the metal detectors were disabled and uninstalled to encourage “social distancing”. So, no one can be within six feet of someone else, but someone can walk in with a weapon and assault someone or open fire. And yes, this did happen at one location, although the employee opened fire in the parking lot.

Having already lived through one workplace shooting, I really don’t want get caught in another.

Safety issues aside, I enjoyed my job a lot more before March. But it’s not just the supposed precautions (also, someone else touching what I want to eat instead of me is gross; “safety”, my ass on that one!).

Temporarily, they added an extra hour to our work days. You’d think an extra hour wouldn’t be a big deal, but it is. I’d prefer an extra day to stumbling around my station like I’m drunk. For a place supposedly obsessed with safety, they certainly think nothing of overtired employees operating their machinery and walking around the warehouse. And, you know, driving.

I also received a write-up for something neither I nor the manager who issued it remembers. I don’t know how that works.

The final straw was watching a friend successfully get a position I’d been asking about for months and never got a clear answer on, despite both of us being there for the same amount of time and having no prior experience. I am always happy for my friends, and even the team I was trying to join continually pushed for me to be added. On top of this, it turns out to do any position, even one on the same level, I’ll more than likely to have to transfer to another building every time I want to.

I snapped.

Even at my previous job, I worked various positions without having to transfer. I did everything that wasn’t management.

But none of that was the clincher that made me decide I want to return to part-time or quit wholly. No, the clincher was when I learned I can make more money with rideshare. After taxes.

The danger of that is lack of insurance, but turns out you can buy health and life insurances, and not have them tied to employment. That solves that problem.

Still, I don’t want to decrease my schedule for the sake of working less. Part of it is I’ve taken up studying again since lockdown has tendered my trade school useless (well, my current job did that too). I like learning on my own time, and since I don’t want to repeat the school/work/sleep cycle if I don’t have to. I don’t even play my Sims game much anymore because I prefer practice. That was unexpected.

If I cannot transfer (again…) or return to part-time, I will try to hold out at my job until January. But if my efforts ultimately change nothing, I consider myself done.

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Why I Prefer Warehouse Work Over Retail

February 27, 2020 — Kaye

So far, I’ve lasted seven months at my warehouse job The job I do full-time is easier than the one I did part-time. Only needing to keep up a certain rate makes it hard.

I sincerely never expected to think of working in a warehouse any better than retail. I made the switch for a higher wage and because retail is for extroverts, but I still expected to have my soul sucked out of me and dread going every day. While nothing will ever make me enjoy waking up early, I don’t hate my job and while I can’t say I look forward to going (it is ten hours of work, after all), I don’t dread being there.

Obviously, this is very subjective. There are people out there who feel the opposite way: can’t stand warehouse work, but are great in retail. As for why I particularly like it (besides getting paid more):

  • No customers. I won’t lie. This is the biggest reason I hated retail. Too many people! I worked as a cashier and, unfortunately, the management thought I was great at it. Too many people in too short a time and too much interaction. No, I really don’t care to idly chat with this person. I just want to ring their stuff, so they can pay for it and get out! I can’t talk that much out of my mouth. At least, not small talk! It’s boring. Heck, part of why I wanted to work on the floor was to get away from this. The other part was not wanting to be confined to a small space (though this didn’t change with my current job, I’m too busy to notice most of the time, and I don’t need permission to leave that space).
  • Too little staff and leaving late. There’s a reason closing shifts are the most hated, but I grew to hate every shift. It seemed like we never had enough people. I remember there was once two cashiers scheduled for the entire day, meaning the floor people would be counted on as backup. I hated that. Of course, warehouses can have too little staff, but so far, my experience with my current job has been sometimes, too many people show up! My day always ends at 6pm, when I’m scheduled. I’m not obligated to stay later to continue cleaning. Speaking of cleaning…
  • No cleaning up after people. This is the second-biggest reason, and it’s why I don’t give two cents about automation coming into retail. Customers are freaking slobs! Our store looked like a tornado struck every night! And shockingly, it rarely was the kids. Really, who raised these people? My mom would’ve destroyed me if I didn’t clean up after myself in someone else’s space. I still wish they banned food! Warehouses are definitely not sparkling and spic-and-span, but cleaning up the warehouse is not part of my job! The most they ask is to keep our stations clean and that’s fine with me since, you know, I’m working in that spot and the trash likely came from me.
  • Break schedule. I suppose it makes sense my retail job had no regular break schedule since consistent scheduling doesn’t exist in retail by any sense of the phrase. But it actually helps the day go quicker. There were also times you couldn’t get a break because there was no cover. On two occasions, I’ve been one of only two staff members in the entire store. And the second time was pure chance because I wasn’t scheduled. The keyholder that day called me in and I said yes. She didn’t say she had no other staff with her whatsoever, presumably because it would’ve sounded like a guilt trip. I must respect her for that.
  • Always something to do. This one is more about desk jobs than retail. I had two desk jobs and they were boring as boring could be. I spent more time warming the chair than doing work. And it wasn’t laziness. There was sincerely nothing to do but talk, which, as I already said, I cannot do for long periods of time. It wouldn’t have been so bad if entertaining ourselves was allowed when there was no work to be done, but that wasn’t the case. The expectation was to sit there and do nothing until something popped up for you take care of. While I don’t want more work than I can handle, I don’t want the polar opposite either. If you’re going to have me here for the majority of the day, give me enough work to fill that time! Anything that takes more effort than keeping my butt in a chair. Being on my feet all day isn’t fun, but I’ll always take it over sitting in boredom for the same amount of time. Keeping busy (and good socks and shoes!) prevents me from noticing the pain.

None of this is to say I never get frustrated at my job. There’s no day without some kind of problem: computer freezing, jammed cubes, heavy stuff, the conveyor not working, needing to search for tiny items, exact same items with multiple different SKUs (I want to imprison the people who do this!), the scanner not scanning. Anything the causes me to mess up my time fries my nerves. I also learned way more varieties of sex toys than I ever cared to know. But none of those problems, as annoying as they are, result in me staying past 6pm or leave only two people in the whole warehouse. Plus, it’s fun to think that sometimes, computers are freaking stupid.

Of course, most warehouse positions are physical and can’t be done after a certain age. While I’m okay with my job, I still overall prefer something less physical that could keep me just as busy (or allow me to entertain myself when there is no work) so I’m not bored out of my mind. Maybe it’ll come someday. Maybe not.

For the present, I’ll be happy with what I have.

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More Work, Fewer Paychecks

January 24, 2020 — Kaye

So far, my new position as full-time has been good. There’s only one problem I was unaware of before transferring: full-time employees are paid bi-weekly.

Bad.

Yes, I know being paid bi-weekly means a bigger paycheck, but that’s a big duh because it’s payment for two weeks instead of one. I prefer getting paid weekly, and if anything, that’s encouragement to return to my old site as soon as I no longer need full-time hours (although I’ll ask if pay is still weekly before transferring!). That’s also, for me, less motivation to go any higher than I am now… especially since the pay rate switches from hourly to salary at certain levels. I will be absolutely damned if I work overtime and am essentially on call for no extra money. I will not work twelve hours and get paid for eight. No! And yes, salary is cheaper than hourly for that reason, so companies do it.

In the realm of first world problems, however, I’m disappointed I now have only two Fridays to look forward too. The other two are bland. Getting my paycheck would motivate me to go to work to make more money, and after the getting over the hurdle of the weekend and Monday, I’d look forward to Friday being close again. Now, that happiness is thirteen days away instead of six. It definitely makes me miss my old site, and makes me envious of my boyfriend, who still gets to joyfully await his paycheck in the pre-dawn hours of every Friday.

Yes, I know bi-weekly pay is cheaper for companies and that’s why they do it. Why else would companies advertise weekly pay as a perk of a job? It is one of those perks that entices me and I would leave my current job in a heartbeat if I found a full-time job that pays weekly. Considering the apparent rarity, if such a job worked out, that company would have me for a long time.

The easy answer would be give myself something else to look forward to on the Fridays I don’t get paid, but I work Saturday to Tuesday, so that’s easier said than done. However, I am trying to switch my schedule to Monday to Thursday, so I always have weekends off. Then, I’ll definitely have something to look forward to every Friday.

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