“Show Yourself!”

Into The Unknown and Show Yourself are, without question, my most favorite songs in Frozen 2.

Into The Unknown is more vocally powerful, but Show Yourself has a stronger emotional connection. And that’s the one I can’t get out of my head. Particularly, this set of lyrics:

“You are the one you’ve been waiting for!

All of my life!

Show yourself!

Let me see who you are!”

I did not see this film for these emotional attacks!

Elsa’s story of struggling with her powers and who she is has often been compared to coming out as a part of LGBT+. I’ve never seen it that way, but I absolutely relate to struggling with your identity, feeling the need to hide, yearning for freedom, and eventually learning to embrace and love who you are.

It’s taken me several years (school bullying and family shame will do that you) and I am still not there, but I’ve gotten better in recent years. I don’t hate my reflection anymore, I’m more open about the things I love, regardless of how strange they’re considered to be for someone of my age, and I am okay with being me most of the time. The most helpful thing has been partially disconnecting from my family, not enough to cut them out, but enough that my well-being is not attached to them.

Note Elsa was never ashamed of her powers in the first movie. She was terrified of hurting people. Just as Elsa is happiest when she’s embracing her powers and free from pressure, I’m happiest when I’m enjoying the things I love and away from those who say I shouldn’t. I am absolutely not happy for the experiences I’ve had (because they are terrible and no one should go through them) and I still would’ve preferred my existence being cut, but I’m managing with what I have.

That doesn’t mean I am obnoxious or try to make a show of being “different”, but I am very okay with “showing myself” and to be able to do that freely is indeed something I waited all of my life for. I’m learning who I am without all the pressure to hold back for others’ feelings. Some people will care to know. Most won’t, and I expect that.

But I will gladly show them all who I am.

Beauty Queen

Why is she so beautiful?

Starting At The Bottom

There’s a rap song my uncle likes with that lyric… Huh.

Anyway, there is a subreddit for employees of the company I now work for, though it’s not very active. I replied to one topic that asked if anyone enjoys their job (the person who posted the question does not, though they’d started only a week prior to asking, and it’s their first job ever). Most of the users who commented expressed disliking the job, though that doesn’t surprise me because the company itself has a terrible reputation. My location is good, however, and I enjoy it, so I added my own comment. Unfortunately, there was a user who doesn’t think I should like it:

I’m sorry but leaving the jobs you got from a degree to start a bottom level manual labor at Amazon doesn’t seem like the best decision…if you already have a degree apply for higher levels, it doesn’t make sense to waste a degree on a entry level job anyone can do, imo.

This is stupidly funny to me for more reasons than I care to count, mainly being if it’s a job anyone can do, why are so many people complaining? Putting that aside, this person thinks they know the best decision the life of a total stranger. Sounds like my family, actually.

It’s worth noting this user apparently didn’t read my full original comment because he/she had the idea I voluntarily left the former jobs. At least, read everything before giving unasked for advice. My reply was as follows:

As I said, [company] pays more than both of those jobs [I was fired from], so it’s not a decision I regret, especially since both bored the living hell out of me anyway and one proved to be the adult rendition of high school. “Anyone can do” retail too, yet I fucking can’t stand it.

I don’t really care about being at the bottom level. It’s more satisfying than the other jobs because I don’t have to pretend to be busy for almost nine hours. I actually am busy (and I work for six unless I choose otherwise; I hate long hours). School isn’t going anywhere, and neither is my “degree” that proved to be more of a waste (I really don’t give a shit about it at this point) of my time and money. If I’d known high school clique and seat warming jobs were all I’d get from it, I never would’ve pursued it. I didn’t voluntarily leave. I got fired, one of which, as I said, was for not having a new BFF within four days. But that’s a much better environment… /s

Obviously, some people enjoy office jobs and that’s cool. To each, their own. I, however, do not. I don’t like pretending to be busy and I’d rather my job not depend on how fast I make friends (ironically, I have made friends at [company]).

I haven’t even hit ninety days at [company] (79 days), so I’m not comfortable applying for something higher yet. I’d rather stick around for at least a year before I do. I’m also not a fan of management in any industry (management positions have too much stress and too many restrictions), so even if I wanted a higher position, that’d be out.

No job is a waste if you actually like it.

I’ve yet to receive a reply, and I doubt I will. It seems to stun people others may not share their view what of life’s goals should be for each and every person. While I doubt I’ll stay at this company for the rest of my life, I’m happy with it now and I’m not looking for a new job or another position. Frankly, I wish it were more common to recognize everyone lives a different life and sees things differently, and what’s a bad decision for one person may be better for someone else. Someone’s life choices don’t have to make sense to you. They’re not yours and they’re not affecting you.

Do not use your life to judge’s someone else’s. You have your life. Let them be with theirs.

EDIT: The user did reply, and to sum his responses, he doesn’t consider himself an asshole for telling someone they should live their life according to his standards. Of course. Well, that’s part for the course for Reddit. Or really, for humans in general. If one job made someone miserable, it must make everyone miserable. Isn’t that called “crabs in a bucket”?

Money Can’t Replace Time

“You’re getting paid for this.”

So, what?

One thing I have never had tolerance for: the idea getting paid means you should be content devoting every minute of your time to work, whether or not it’s necessary.

Apparently, no one remembers it’s (almost) always possible to get more money, but time can never be replaced.

Baby, you’re all that I want
When you’re lying here in my arms
I’m finding it hard to believe
We’re in heaven

This doesn’t mean I don’t ever work overtime or I’ll never clock back in for a while if something pops up. But there are some days I am ready to go home! I don’t live to work. Yes, while at a job, I want to work, but after my shift ends, my work is done. I’ll have other shifts to make more money, and it’ll be the same money. But I’ll never have the same day or night.

Sure, I usually spend my time out of work catching up on sleep or surfing the internet. But I also make plans. I write silly fan fiction. I talk to my friends. I meet with my boyfriend.

And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart
It isn’t too hard to see
We’re in heaven

I’ve talked many times about how that last activity has changed my life. Yes, that’s including the awful times. Until we live together, it will never feel like enough, and when we do, it possibly still won’t. Money makes time spent together more fun, but it does not replace it outright.

In fact, though I enjoy traveling with him, my favorite times with him are when we’re in bed with each other. I love to wake up next him (snoring and all 😛 ). There’s not enough money to replace the few times I can do that.

Oh, once in your life, you find someone
Who will turn your world around
Bring you up when you’re feeling down

There’s not enough money to replace the fewer chances I’ve had to spend with my friends, who I hope to have for a long time, if not for life. I’ve met some through my retail job, which is why I don’t entirely hate it, but that still isn’t enough for me to want to spend most of my time at work if it’s unnecessary.

I’ve read no one on their deathbed wishes they worked more. I doubt that’s true. There are probably some people out there who died wishing they had a bigger career, or something similar. I doubt I’ll be one of them. I think I’ll be the person who wishes they spent more time with their loved ones, even if I spent every waking moment with them. Or made more memories. Or had more pictures. Say what you will about my generation (Gen Y/Millennials) and the current one (Gen Z/the iGeneration), but I take a lot of pictures and I don’t regret it. No, I’m not snapping my camera every minute of the day, but I love having the reminders. Physical photos are still awesome though, and I plan to print some pictures out and put them in a photo album I bought at my retail job.

Yeah, nothing could change what you mean to me
Oh, there’s lots that I could say
But just hold me now
‘Cause our love will light the way

I know so many people will call me “foolish” or insist “I know nothing about life” because of ideals I have like this. I know very well life isn’t a fairytale, though some people do get to live that life (like my co-worker who found the love of her life at 14 and became a parent at 17; at age 20, they’re still together and she’s clearly happy). The good news is all fairytales are different. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from Disney (though I’ve learned many), it’s that when things reach the very worst, they can still get better. Life isn’t Disney, so sometimes, it will get worse… but not always.

I simply like to hope they get better. If only because I want another day with the ones I love most.

It’s cliche to say, but love – platonic and romantic – is powerful. You can’t pay your bills or your taxes with it, but it makes the time we spend on this Earth not so bad.

And that’s as fair a trade-off as anyone can get.

You’re all that I want
You’re all that I need

(And let’s just say every so often, I’m reminded why time is precious. We’re not here forever.)

They Owe Me Nothing. I Owe Them Nothing.

Why I No Longer Want A Career

Short answer: I have a work ethic.

Much longer answer: I was fired from a job, not for being incompetent or breaking the law or violating their policy, but for… not making friends. I was never unfriendly or unkind or cold to anyone, but the experienced hires decided I was too “weird”, I didn’t “fit in” with them, and since they weren’t all my new BFFs within the four days I worked, I was let go. Despite the numerous times this job was emphasized as being “life and death” (a description I now know is severely exaggerated), my inability to create instant lifelong friendships and preference to prioritize learning how to do my job competently was deemed grounds for letting me go.

As a child, I wanted to become a veterinarian because I loved animals. I learned as a teenager an adoration of animals is far from enough to consider that career. This is similar. I would say as a teenager I wanted a career, and though I never cared for being part of the “big wigs”, I wanted to be high above entry-level with a long resume of worthwhile skills and a job that allowed to never again worry about money.

What have I learned now as an adult? The job is irrelevant. It’s the management I need to be most concerned with. After nearly three years in retail, and poor management in three different industries (customer service, IT, and security), and managers who are all too obviously on a power play (my boyfriend recently told me of how he was yelled at for something he didn’t do, and yelled at again when he proved he wasn’t at fault; I have too many similar experiences), I have decided I want absolutely nothing to do with a career of any kind.

I want a job that pays well, has good management, has benefits, has a consistent schedule, and has a minimum of two days off. That’s it.

It doesn’t need to be a career. I don’t want it to be a career. If this is what I must deal with – if the being part of the “in crowd” is more important doing your job well and correctly, especially in the early days – I’m content to have an ordinary, nothing special job. Similarly, this is also why even if I had the needed personality for retail, I’d utterly refuse to enter management. I do not ever want to become like the management I’ve dealt with. Never do I want to believe it’s okay to behave aggressively toward those hierarchically beneath me, never do I want to yell at someone solely because I can and allow authoritative power to blind me to treating others fairly, and I absolutely do not want to decide someone’s work ethic is a bad quality (lack of work ethic is bad). I am no saint, nor will I ever be, but I can avoid becoming what I hate and I fear any step into management would force me against my morals. I will not compromise those beliefs for anything.

My new dream is to live with my boyfriend in a comfortable and spacious apartment, and to be home with him as much as possible. Because of all the stress I’ve dealt with, and all the needless experiences I have in my memory I can never burn, my relationship with him is one of the few experiences that consistently proves to be worth fighting for. It seems a career requires me to sacrifice kindness, fairness, and humility, and I am not willing to do that. I suppose there is a reason for the expression “money is the root of all evil”, and it’s very evident, but though I am not flawless, I will not allow a career to change who I am or change me into someone I hate.