I’ve noticed my Pokemon posts are very popular, which is a shock to me since those posts are at least three years old. Nevertheless, I stopped at Kalos because Alola, the seventh generation of Pokemon, wasn’t released yet. Unfortunately, I couldn’t fill this list even halfway to ten. I guess I’m either too picky or Alola has a few less cute pokemon than previous generations. I’ll assume I’m picky.
A long conversation with my boyfriend this early morning gave me huge insight into something.
I enjoy writing, particularly fan fiction and my opinions (gee, what gave the latter away?), but it dawned on me less than half a day ago I’ve been writing fan fiction for twelve years – nearly half of my life!
I never put thought into it or considered it a hobby or noticed it becoming one. I don’t recall what sparked it. All I remember is I started shortly after I watched “The Little Mermaid” when it came out on DVD in 2006, when I was 12 years old. It was the first Disney movie I ever watched, and what introduced me to Disney to begin with. I don’t remember that being any sort of inspiration, but it’s closest I can think of as a reason I may have started writing.
There were other hobbies I tried to develop later on, but I failed at them, despite genuinely liking them. As it turns out, it’s not always a bad thing to be selfish.
When I wrote, it was always for myself. Even if I made it public, and I do enjoy sharing, I was still writing for my own sake. I did it when I was bored or had some random idea pop into my mind. Most of the stories I write are kept private. As a pre-teen, I kept it secret partially out of embarrassment because they weren’t good (not to suggest my more recent stories are), but being a reserved person even back then, I didn’t care for anyone to know anyway.
But when I started drawing or playing some games or learning languages, it was for other people from the start. Drawing was sparked by my then huge love of Winx Club and jealousy of others’ amazing art, and the goal was becoming skilled enough to create fan art to share with the fandom. After finding the Sims community, I played the game more and more to create stories to share with the community. I first began learning another language in second grade, but when I got older and tried to study on my own, it was for the sake of being able to communicate with other people, not because I wanted to study. And I should mention I hated writing too… when I was forced to do it.
None of those reasons are necessarily bad, especially not the last one. But the pattern there is I became miserable with those hobbies because I was doing them for other people’s sake, not my own. Yes, I truly liked them, but they reached a point of solely being done to share with other people for their enjoyment. I stopped caring about my own. Realizing that, it’s no wonder they eventually died when I tired of trying. Yet, I never tired of writing stories, nor can I remember ever feeling burned out. I once wrote eight pages in a day. In the huge world of literature, that may be amateurish at best, but for me, it was a big deal because I wasn’t trying to.
This is not restricted to hobbies either. I did poorly in a number of things, particularly school, because they were for the sake of pleasing someone else. For a while, I succeeded in school over, but after a certain age, being a people-pleaser became too exhausting to keep up and I stopped trying so hard just to hear some praise that meant nothing to me because I didn’t want to do it in the first place, nor was I getting anything valuable out of it. Yet, I’ve discovered I am good at finding friendships, as I’ve made friends even when trying to avoid it, and I am good at holding my own relationship. But I am good at those things because although they involve other people, they are still for me. My friendships and my relationship make me happy, which is why I’m rarely hesitant to and very much enjoy doing things for my friends and my boyfriend. And the reason I hold them so highly is because they care for me. What I got out of friendship is love (platonic and romantic) and happiness I didn’t find elsewhere (please forgive the cavity-inducing sweetness). And I clearly have no problem sharing my friendships with the world!
Of course, there’s such a thing as priorities and some things have to be done, no matter how dreadful they are. This is not about that. What I’m referring to are things that are optional (yes, that now includes school). The truth is I have missed those hobbies. I miss when I did draw in my sketchbook, drawing either from imagination and tips I read, or trying to recreate a specific picture. I miss when I played video games because they relieved my boredom and I was interested in continuing the game’s story, not trying to create a story from the game to upload (though I have been slowly getting back into this one). I always hated studying, but I did like to try reading books in other languages after some weeks of classwork in my language classes, and much of the time, I could. I didn’t care I couldn’t understand what it was actually about (because I couldn’t translate quickly). I just enjoyed I could read it. I once got fun out of reading an Italian dictionary when I was still taking Italian class in tenth class, and I used to play around with DuoLingo, an app for learning languages, for the fun of the games. There may be other hobbies I’ve dropped as well, but I don’t recall them.
All along, the burn out wasn’t from doing too much, but from trying to give so much. During most of my childhood, I heard how “giving to others is a gift in itself” and “it’s better to give than to receive”. Maybe there’s such a thing as too much giving. As I said, I rarely am hesitant to give to those I care most about because I also enjoy sharing. It’s much simpler than I’m making it sound. It makes more sense to go through so much effort for someone you really love instead of dozens or hundreds of strangers you’ll never meet.
My boyfriend asked me if there’s any way to reignite those former hobbies. After realizing what I did, I think there may be. If I choose to try picking one or more of them up again, I have to remember who they’re intended for: me. They’re for myself and my pleasure. If I make them public, it’s because I want to have another place for them, not because I’m after attention and recognition. I realize those can be good motivational tools for some people, but I’m clearly not one of them. For me, hobbies are much more fun when it’s my enjoyment I have at heart. Thinking only of myself is selfish, but this is not exactly hunger I’m talking about. I’m talking about pastimes. I’m positive no one’s getting hurt.
However, I don’t think I’ll ever overcome the shock of taking twelve years to discover this. I now fear for what else I may be oblivious to. Can I trade this “identity crisis” thing for some more sketchbooks?
Right now, as I’m typing this, I’m lying next to my boyfriend while he sleeps. I requested two days off for our anniversary, but I was somehow lucky enough to receive four straight days off. It’s peaceful, and the only sound is the air conditioner he seemingly can’t sleep without. Fortunately, he also has blankets.
I keep thinking “I could get used to this”. I imagine times like these as a preview of what our life would be like if we lived together. Of course, I won’t overstay my welcome and I am leaving tomorrow evening. Four days off just isn’t a daily opportunity. I wanted to use it wisely, and he agreed.
However, while I’m quietly playing on my phone to let him nap, I keep thinking about how things could’ve been so different. I think about how I’m trying to pave a path for my life. I remember when I was so afraid of adulthood, yet it gets better with each passing year.
What if I listened to my family, the people who want nothing more than for me to be blindly compliant and stay locked in a gilded cage? What if I followed in my mother’s footsteps, and had a child at 21 or 22? What if I gave in to the worst years of my life and cut my life off before I reached 20?
The truth is it’s an alternate reality that terrifies me. I really don’t know why since it’s clearly not my reality, but it’s what I’d make a horror novel out of.
Writing posts like these makes me feel like a braggart, but since it’s only recently I’ve genuinely been happy with my life, I’d rather write my positive emotions than endlessly complain. My family set the bar low, and once I was out of the childhood safety of fantasy, I never believed I could do any better. Now, I know I can. It’s not going in a standard fashion. I’ve definitely made some mistakes and it will take a while for me to really get where I’m aiming. But I can do it, and I’m not going to be like my family.
I’m unsure if this is a way of saying I am better than them. I don’t believe I am better. I believe I can do better. Although, I do believe I’m better than a lifelong cheating, abusive when drunk, self-centered alcoholic, but I imagine most people would think they’re better than that.
I keep coming back to this blog and finding I have so little I want to write about.
My life hasn’t really changed in any huge way. There are no news or articles I really want to discuss. There’s nothing nagging my mind or that I’ve been deep in thought about. Same old aggravations, same general routine, and all. I’m not unhappy about that. I simply don’t want to talk about it all the time.
So, I’ll do this. I’ll end my blog posts for 2016 with my favorite things of this year. If I come up with something else to talk about, I’ll post it, but for now, I’m considering this my last post of the year.
- Movies. This year, I saw Zootopia, The Jungle Book, Storks, and Moana in theaters. Moana was my most favorite because it was an awesome movie and the very first Disney Princess movie I ever got to see in theaters. My least favorite was Storks. It was a cool movie, but it had a very annoying character throughout it that I personally didn’t find funny.
- My job. This one is probably as obvious as crystal clear glass. I finally got my very first job and was finally making some money of my own. I confess I’ve done the typical thing and spent my money almost as soon as I got it, but only once have I spent all of it. I’ve been much more careful since and I try to never let my bank account fall under $100. This was the first year I was able to buy Christmas presents and that felt great!
- Travel. I hate traveling, but to be with my boyfriend makes the trips worth it. Since I started working, we’ve gotten together almost weekly instead of monthly like we used to. For me, that’s the best reward of having this job. Of course, being who he is, he’s not letting me pay for everything. One thing I told him long before I got a job was I would never let him go hungry on any night if I could help it. He thought I was kidding, but I meant it. I have to argue with him to get him to take just $10 for food if he needs it. I appreciate he’s so grateful and won’t take advantage of me, but he knows I hate him going hungry. I was also finally able to bring him to my house once. No, my family didn’t meet him, but I was glad I could finally show him my room. My bed is too small for us, though. He was more content on the rug. 😛
- Pokémon. First off, I loved the year-long giveaway for the 20th anniversary! I got every one! I’ll never use them, but I love collecting, so I’m so glad I didn’t miss out. Meloetta and Manaphy are my favorites. Sun and Moon come after. Although I still have some small gripes, the games have not disappointed me. I think my favorite feature is Poké Pelago. I also question if the games really do cater more to kids. Sure, it seems so on the outside, but the games are really darker than any previous game has ever been. I’m almost willing to bet the creators did that on purpose. Make the games seem too easy at first, only to later shock the players with the real difficulty. And it is hard! Something I’m doing in S&M that I’ve never done in any game I played before is using the X items. It’s either that or all the bosses kill me. Well played, Pokémon Company. Well played.
I’ve been considering trying to get my driver’s license if I keep my job after the seasonal period. I don’t have a car to drive, but I think it’ll be nice to have it my license is all. Then, if and when I do have a car for myself, I’ll have getting the license out of the way.
2015 brought me a wonderful partner and 2016 brought me a great job. I’m hoping 2017 will bring something good as well, although I imagine there’ll be some heartbreak before it comes.
That’s a throwback to something. I bet no one will be able to guess and I’m not giving any hints. 😉
In my post about search results, I mentioned searches for pokemon are the most common ones that lead to my blog. Funnily enough, I haven’t made a pokemon-related post since 2015. I suppose it’s not so odd since this blog is supposed to be life journal of my thoughts, feelings, and experiences, but it makes me happy something I love so much is popular on this blog. So, let’s change how recently there’s been a Pokémon post!
I am very excited for the release of Pokémon Sun and Moon! There’s yet to be a pair of games I don’t like and each new generation of games becomes my favorite. I have no doubt I’m going to love Sun and Moon over X and Y. It’ll simply be the usual. Aside from being the newest games, there are reasons I’m excited for them.
The biggest reason I’m so happy about Sun and Moon is the creators bought trainer customization back! Its absence in the ORAS games is one of my disappointments and the games being remakes does not justify that because fairy types and features like Pokémon Amie are in the ORAS pair when they didn’t exist in the original RSE games either. Therefore, that excuse is a pile of fish carcasses! I got a lot of hate on Tumblr for pointing that out and being unhappy about the absence of trainer customization, but it’s Tumblr and a fandom. The majority of people on Tumblr don’t like you not thinking how they do and I’ve ranted plenty about fandoms already.
Better is there are now four trainers to choose from of each gender instead of three. Two characters who look more like me now. Yay! Whether characters look like me or not isn’t particularly a big deal, but it’s always a nice thing, especially when it’s something I’m playing through. Reading trainer customization was returning was especially a nice surprise because the creators once said trainer customization was only meant for Kalos. It’s their choice and their games, but I rolled my eyes so hard at that. What, Kalos is the only region where people like shopping? Well, I suppose it could be. I don’t write the stories!
After trainer customization, the next thing I’m most excited for is, supposedly, Sun and Moon will be entirely in 3D (graphic-wise, not the effect). There will be no 2D imagery whatsoever. I am very thrilled for that because I always wondered why X and Y weren’t fully 3D when they were the first pair of Pokémon games for the 3DS. When I think about it, however, I suppose that could be why. X and Y could be seen as a trial run and a stepping stone to improving the Pokémon games further and further for the 3DS. Everybody starts somewhere and why bite off more than you can chew when it’s your first time with something new?
(Wow. That sounds so wrong.)
I also adore the starter pokemon: Litten (the cat), Popplio (the seal), and Rowlet (the owl). I’ve already chosen my starters. I’m choosing Litten in Sun and Popplio in Moon. I like cats, so it’s not hard to see why Litten is my first choice. For Popplio, I just like its design more than Rowlet’s. However, I can’t say I’m liking most of the new pokemon’s designs so far. My favorite, besides Litten, is Pikipek, but of the new pokemon that have been shown, I see most of their designs as ugly or hideous. Although, Cutiefly falls under “ugly cute” for me. It is cute, but I hate mosquitoes. When I first heard its name, my thought was it sounds like a fan came up with it. Then again, the same could be said for most pokemon’s names (fun fact: “Cutiefly” rhymes with “Beautifly“). Fan-made sounding names aren’t anything new.
Another new feature, one of the smaller ones, I’m thrilled about is during pokemon battles, there’s an indicator to tell you how effective a move will be against your pokemon. I know the type match-ups by heart, but I don’t know every pokemon’s typing by heart and dual typing throws a wrench into it. Anything that makes a guidebook a little less necessary is a welcome addition to me!
So far, my only hope for these particular games is their post-story isn’t as short as X and Y’s. That was my only disappointment about the X and Y games. Overall, I cannot wait for Sun and Moon, and while I’m not trying to rush the summer, I’m very much looking forward to November for these games to be released (and for Disney’s newest princess, Moana).