The Point of No Return – Part 2

Previous related post.

I took the final for my second-to-last class yesterday. I struggled a lot with this class and didn’t do well, but in the end, I did pass. Shockingly, I could’ve failed the final and still passed, though I’m glad I didn’t. Today is the start of the last of my school’s program. What then?

According to the program, internship follows the end of classes. To say I’m anxious would be an understatement.

Yes, I’m happy school is almost over, especially considering all of the trouble I had to go through to reach the end. I’m still disappointed I couldn’t stay with the first class and graduate on December 4th of last year, but I suppose it doesn’t matter now. At the same time, the only work experience I have is in retail and I truly fear I can’t do anything else.

Retail is difficult in that it’s tedious, repetitive, and draining, the latter especially if you’re an introvert. However, the jobs themselves – at least, my positions – are relatively easy. As a cashier, I stand in one spot, push buttons on a computer, scan barcodes, take money, and put the stuff in bags. The end. As a floor associate, the job description is less “fancy” than that: clean the floor and racks, and put merchandise back. You could teach a child how to do these jobs. Yet, even retail can prove to have its challenge because when I had full-time position for a few months, I ultimately failed because the workload crushed me like a 1,000-pound weight. And I wouldn’t try to get into the hell above that. I’ve yet to meet a manager who likes their job (“Don’t do it! It’s a trap!”), including my own. Two of my managers felt the need to lecture me about all the insanity and stress managers puts up with, and I get the point! Of course, that brings into question why they chose it. One of those two implied he doesn’t think lower employees/associates have the right to feel stressed because of what managers deal with. That’s another reason to stay away from management. I prefer not to look down on people. But I digress.

What I’m trying to say is if I can’t keep with a retail job unless it’s part-time, how on Earth could I do anything else? I’ve heard of people getting very close to graduation, only to quit weeks or days before, and I think I’m beginning to understand why. Taking classes on the subject is not the same as doing the real job. Even interviews are different. As far as I can tell, I ultimately got hired at the stores I worked at because I faked being cute, cheerful, and my awkwardness didn’t scare anyone off. That doesn’t work in interviews for what I’m studying, and having trouble talking will likely mean I bomb over a dozen interviews, if I get any at all. And yes, I do practice. Again, practice and the real thing aren’t the same.

Of course, all of this anxiety is irrelevant if I fail this final class, so maybe I’m getting ahead of myself. I should pass before I talk anymore.

Almost Ten Years

I know 2019 started a week ago, but I want to talk about 2020 for a moment.

If I’m still where I am, August 2020 will mark ten years I have been living in the household I am. It wasn’t a choice. It was court-ordered when I was sixteen years old and I still hate them for it.

For some reason, I have a strange feeling about the last (almost) nine years I can’t quite place. I know what I was doing over those last nine years, but I feel like I don’t. I remember what happened in all those years, but I feel like those nine years passed by like a blur, despite I didn’t feel that way as they were passing. I can name significant events from each year, especially onward from 2015, but there’s still a disbelief I’ve been here for almost nine years because it does not feel like I have. I do have the feeling I’ve been here for too long, but not for nine years.

I don’t know if this is a normal feeling or a psychological trick by my brain. Either way, I do not want it to turn into ten years. That said, there is a terrifying feeling of where I will be if it doesn’t. Life isn’t a fairytale where everything always works out (even some fairytales subvert that), so there is the real possibility wherever I end up could be worse than where I currently am. That doesn’t mean I won’t try – I already am trying since I’m in school – but I’ve learned too many times the consequences of getting my hopes high.

At the moment, the month I’m looking forward to is April. Not because it’s the month of my birthday, but because it’s the month that will prove if my efforts were worth it. My final class is this month, I am supposed to take internship next month, and my class’s graduation date is March 6th. So, April will show me the outcome, if there is any, of what I’ve done. If it’s at least somewhat favorable, I won’t have to worry about that ten year mark. If not, I think that may be when I finally give up. Because, really, if the job I already have isn’t enough and school proves to have been worthless, what is left to try?

I won’t even wish for luck. I’ll wish for something – anything – good and hope I can get so much as that.

Aiming For The New Year

This post was inspired by a blogger/writer I follow. I was going to skip over it, but I figured it can’t hurt. Can always try, right?

I stopped making New Year’s resolutions years ago because I never followed them. In fact, I only ever made them for school assignments and I usually faked them because I had none in mind. I’m the same way with goals. I rarely reach them, though I have some better luck with goals than with New Year’s resolutions. I used to have a “to-do list” page, which I got rid of because I eventually stopped caring about most of what was on there.

The above said, I would be lying if I claimed to have no goals for this year. However, the big goals are luck-based and dependent on whether I graduate school and find a job in the field I’ve been studying. I feel it’s pointless to bother writing them out since, based on my life’s history so far, the most basic goals get deterred somehow. To name some: I graduated high school a year late (forced to transfer), didn’t return to college until age 24 (had to wait until I could claim independence for FAFSA), didn’t get my first job until 22 when I wanted one at 16 (family did not allow me to work during high school), and more I just don’t want to remember right now. Point is life has never gone as planned for me (if it had, I would’ve grown up in my hometown instead of moving more than literally a dozen times), so I have no reason to trust it will now.

Heck, the new year itself didn’t start off well. I mistakenly broke my phone yesterday, the first day of the new year, and today, my train to school was cancelled, meaning I had to pay $19 to take a Lyft ride to be on time. If that’s my start to the new year, should I bother with goals under the assumption anything will go as planned? Truthfully, I’m likely an idiot if I think so. Actually, I’m an idiot even if I don’t. And I don’t.

The writer of the post I linked talks about his goals specifically for 2019 rather than goals that can span over more than one year. So, I’ll go with that. That’s the idea with most of my goals anyway. I don’t have much confidence I’ll keep them, but I’ve always found writing what’s on my mind to be cathartic. Plus, maybe with my work hours cut down, things will be somewhat easier.

  • Make this blog more active. In my defenses, the reason this blog is slow is I struggle to think of topics to write. A “slice of life” blog is a very open subject, but “wake up, go to school, go to work, study, sleep, repeat” isn’t an interesting topic for repetition. I used to make up for this by having days dedicated to certain ideas, but I lost track and eventually stopped bothering to keep up with them. I’m happy this blog is still alive, and I’d rather have slow years than nothing at all, but I’d still prefer an active blog. I don’t have a schedule worked out yet, but I’ll see what comes to mind later on.
  • Climb my way out of credit debt. Half of this is school costs and the other half is my fault. Retail therapy is real! The stress over the holiday retail craze resulted in me developing a shopping addiction. I can do this without getting a job in the field I’m studying, but that’ll make it much easier.
  • Get my driver’s license. For those wondering why I’m almost 25 and don’t have my license, I never cared because neither my family nor I could ever afford a car. Taking public transportation doesn’t bother me (when it works! Screw you, NJ Transit!) because it’s how I grew up, so I’m accustomed to it. But when your home, your school, and your job are in three different cities, it adds up quickly. Granted, the costs are probably ultimately still cheaper than a car, but at least I won’t have to count on someone else’s car if I’m running late (thank you, Lyft!).
  • Keep up with medical appointments. Oh, boy! Well, I started with this one last year, but only with the dentist and optician. I need to visit the regular doctor and I need to go to Planned Parenthood. Especially PP since my relationship with my boyfriend is only progressing further. Right now, however, I just want my teeth fixed!
  • Cool my temper. Like mother, like daughter. My temper needs to go on ice! I’ve been working on this one for a few years, but 2018 pushed me to the limit and undid my work. Granted, the things I explode over are usually justified (the worst was a case of unfair/unkind treatment by one of my bosses, though we made up over that because this friend got us together to talk about it), but exploding is tiring! My head hurts! That said, watching someone else drop F-bombs is hilarious.

I have more than that, but for 2019, I’m going to stop here. I won’t post the rest because those are the luck-based ones, and it’s possible they won’t be accomplished within 2019. If they’re not luck-based, they’re ones I’m almost guaranteed to eventually lose interest in, so I won’t bother writing them.

I can’t say I’m optimistic, but let’s see what, if anything, worthwhile happens this year.

Eve of New Year’s Eve

Counting today, there are two more days left of 2018. Truthfully, I am glad. I hated this year and I’ve been dying for it to be over since it started. Usually, there’s something that makes me not entirely regret a bad year, but 2018 is not in that category. I can call it the second worst year of my life (first worst was 2010).

In chronological order, and from bad to worse:

  • I lost my full-time position because I couldn’t keep up with the workload. Actually, I had to step down from it to avoid being fired for incompetence. If I’d know taking a promotion meant putting your employment on the line, I never would’ve asked for it.
  • I had to delay school by two months for the very stupid reason of my birthday falling after the deadline! Seriously, what pompous a**hole thought that was a good set-up? I would’ve been done with school by now, and wouldn’t have had to struggle with the hell of juggling holiday hours and school hours.
  • Falling out with my sister. We didn’t get along to begin with, but she tried to blackmail me and attempted to start a family feud via my boyfriend. I very nearly cut our relationship completely because he went behind my back to her, but he apologized and I did find out part of it was her taking advantage of his anxiety (which does notoriously make him do stupid things).
  • The Black Friday shooting I was part of. I didn’t have the heart to return to that job, and I still haven’t set foot in that mall. I’ve thought about it, but knowing that’s an annual event at that mall is too much for me to feel good about going back. And yes, I know a shooting can happen anywhere, but when it’s so commonplace that knowing it happens every year is supposed to be comforting instead of terrifying, that’s not my idea of a safe working environment. Or shopping one, for that matter. (Interestingly, I’ve been more easily startled by loud sounds since this incident, especially crowd noise)

Not a damn good thing came out of this year, and I’d gladly burn it to the ground if I could. I don’t have hopes for 2019, especially since it’s supposed to (key word) be the year I finish trade school and go into the field I studied. Note to self: avoid anything to do with networking at all costs. I’m almost expecting it to be worse than 2018, considering certain circumstances I don’t feel like getting into.

500% done with this year!