Kaye's Days

There will be no “happy new year” post for 2021.

I looked back at my New Year’s Day post for 2020. Even then, I considered hoping for a good year was too much to ask for, but I had no idea just how right I would be.

I read back on my post from seven years ago where I express being happy overall I didn’t take my life. How naive of me. Absolutely everything I listed at that time became meaningless over the years. I claimed to be much better. If only I could’ve foreseen I would be so much worse.

I admire those who can continue hoping when they’re repeatedly let down, but I can’t. The only time I haven’t been let down is when I stop hoping and expect the worst. I can’t name a time I was optimistic and didn’t have it crushed. I truly can’t.

So many people would call it a “negative” point of view, but is being realistic really negative? Is it really negative to recognize when hope continually falls flat and the near future really is grim? Does absolutely everything really have a silver lining? Or do some things really suck and there is nothing more than to it than things are simply that awful?

I vote for the latter.

I mentioned in two previous posts I no longer want to be in this world. Sadly, I recently learned the method I chose for that exit has a high survival rate. So, I must either remain stuck or find access to something with a higher success rate.

Even in hoping for death, my hopes are dashed.

I truly believed 2020 could be an okay year at the very least. I don’t believe 2021 can be less than horrible. The only thing that will make it good is if it I don’t live to see it through. Tragically, unless I access a more guaranteed method to leave, it seems I will.

The only reason I have to remain alive is… to watch my DuoLingo streak grow. That isn’t really worth it.

It really isn’t.