Shutdown

Work plus lack of desire to live equals no blog content. I’m too tired to write what I want, so I’ll copy and paste what I’ve said elsewhere:

Yes, I know the country (I’m in the US) lockdown is for the sake of physical health. But I don’t see the point in living anymore when life is literally a cycle of going to work and going home (if your job is still open) or living indoors indefinitely (if your job is closed). I sincerely believe this lockdown will last for the remainder of 2020 and well into 2021. A pandemic will not vanish by May. I’ll be shocked if it’s gone by December. In all honesty, I’m hugely doubtful the government would be willing to give up all this power and authority over the people.

I miss my friends insanely. I didn’t know the last time I visited my (ex?)boyfriend would be the last time I saw him, the last time his niece would hug me. One would think as an introvert, I’d love this, but there’s a difference between willingly staying inside and being ordered to. My job is still open and I’m working six days a week, not because I’m scheduled or want to, but to have an excuse to get out the house. It’s not helping.

Yes, I’ve kept up with the news. Rates of violence have gone up, the economy may be close to an actual depression if it’s not there yet, suicide (some murder-suicides) because of COVID-19 fears or testing positive for it, people being arrested for being outside, celebrations being broken up, my city’s local police utilizing drones as spy tools… I’m truly more fearful for my life via violence and the police than the virus, but my point is I don’t see the country recovering from this at all, and I’m finding myself questioning if I want to continue being alive; a feeling I haven’t had since my school years and I hoped to never have again. My birthday is near the end of this month and I couldn’t care less. Usually, I take off work that day, but with work the only thing that’s not closed, why bother?

I don’t think 2020 is worth seeing to the end. I don’t think April is worth seeing to the end, let alone 2020. I really don’t. I feel bad for having all of these feelings because I know many people have it much worse (for starters, I’m not sick). But I’m not optimistic. I feel like a prisoner (minus the bars). If everything is so bad that the country must be indefinitely shutdown, if going outside absolutely dooms people to the virus and death, if it’s terrifying enough for suicide to be a better option (I confess if I tested positive, I’d look at that route too), how can there be a bright future if the pandemic passes?

To put it simply: I don’t think there is any positive future, I don’t believe the pandemic and shutdown will end before 2021 (if the pandemic ends at all), and I do not want to be here to see the rest of 2020. The only reason I’m still here is being too chicken to bring harm upon myself. I wish I’d known ahead of time the last time I saw my loved ones would’ve been the last time because I would’ve said goodbye instead of “see you next time”.

Not copy and paste: Thank you to everyone who’s read my blog over the last eight years. I have to bring this blog to close. If – and that’s a big if – I am here in 2021 and the world has resumed, I will reopen it. I sincerely love this blog and the record it’s become of myself. I’m leaving it up as something for my family to read of me, if they find it. Besides that, it won’t serve a purpose in 2020.

I truly hope you, whoever is reading this, are having a better time than me and haven’t lost your want to be alive. Whatever happens, I wish you a happy life.

Goodbye. And thank you so much.

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