Kaye's Days

Warning: This post is heavily depressing. Please do not read if mentions of death or losing a loved one triggers you. This warning is not intended to mock anyone for having a trigger. I do not want this post to pull up bad memories for anyone.

I think several of my posts here have made it clear how much my boyfriend means to me. Something I’m certain I’ve stated in at least one post is although I know I could’ve lived a happy life without knowing him, I am glad it didn’t happen. I don’t want to know life without him.

Sadly, life is not that generous.

There have been occasions I have thoughts of one of us dying, and leaving the other. Every time, those thoughts end in the same way: us being together beyond death. If it’s his death, I imagine dying to be with him because, as cheesy as it sounds, that is how much I do not want to live without him. If it’s my death, I imagine coming to him and us being able to talk and touch as if I was still alive. I’ve had thoughts of us being together in some kind of after life. All I really picture is us living our lives normally as a couple, just for eternity.

Does this mean I’m in love? I’m going to say yes, were I still doubting it.

I wish I could say these thoughts were random and I worry for nothing, but that’s not the case. I have these thoughts because most good things in life have been taken from me, and some, I really never got to have. I’m wary of becoming too happy because every time I have, something soon comes to destroy that happiness. It’s to the point I question if I am meant to be happy.

I’ve said before if our relationship ends, I won’t date again because dating sucks. I’m not kidding when I say every “relationship” (very loose use of that word) that came before him was meaningless. However, if our relationship ends because he dies, I won’t date again because I do not want that pain again. Whether or not I can bear it, I do not want to feel it again if I don’t have to. I already know I will when I lose friends and family, so I will not add another romantic relationship to that mix.

If I die, what he does is his choice. I would want him to be happy without me, so the thought of him finding another woman he loves and can live happily with isn’t one that makes me angry. Granted, if I had any life beyond the grave, I’d be jealous it wasn’t me, but happy that he was happy. I wouldn’t want him to be miserable without me, or die to be with me out of grief.

I wonder if these thoughts are a sign I love him that fiercely. Obviously, I fear losing him, but I fear losing anyone I love. Yet, he’s the only person I’ve ever had these thoughts about. There are other loved ones’ deaths I’ve imagined, but the reaction isn’t as… strong. I’m not happy for anyone’s death, but I’ve never felt such a strong desire to want to go with them until my boyfriend entered those thoughts. I can’t decide if that’s bad or not.

In any case, I will try to be optimistic and hope life isn’t too cruel. I just want to keep at least one thing (person) that makes me happy for the rest of my life. And the rest of his.