Another Holiday

Tomorrow, August 1st, is a day known by some people as International Childfree Day. It’s not a day I particularly care for and I often forget it because there seem to be a lot of “special days”, such as National Donut Day, and I simply don’t have any feelings for them. Plus, so many special days, even if they’re not major holidays, make the idea of special days alone not so special anymore.

However, I’m mentioning this day in particular because despite my feelings about the holiday, I do occasionally think about how different, and how much worse, my life would be if I did have children. I’ve spoken before about how I compare my life at this age to my mother’s when she was this age. Let me clarify right now there is no feeling of superiority. I have never felt that. What I have felt since I was a child is motherhood is a route my mother shouldn’t have taken, but time can’t be reversed.

No, I don’t go around, parading happily how I don’t have children. For what? Like most of my thoughts, these tend to come up at night, when I’m lying in bed and not yet asleep. What often comes to mind is what I’d lose or not even have if at some point between the age I became capable of reproducing and now, I’d become a mother. That includes my own sanity and that is not a joke since I’ve been heavily suicidal in the past. In fact, I strongly fear becoming pregnant, and if that were to happen, my immediate thoughts would shift to self-harm before I thought about terminating it. I believe that speaks for itself.

If it’s not my sanity and mental health, it’s the loss of relationships I’d experience. I’ve read when you have children, you learn who your real friends are, but on the other side, I’ve talked to people who did try to keep in contact with friends who became parents and they couldn’t because those friends would stop responding altogether. Obviously, I don’t know exactly how busy a day with a newborn is, but if it’s busy enough to leave no time to take five minutes to send a text message, that sounds less like “not real friends” and more like the friendship simply faltering due to no time to care for it. That happens to any kind of relationship that’s given too little or no attention. It’s why I lost friends when I switched school districts as a child. We couldn’t keep in contact. In short, it’s natural.

Being honest, I have to admit the above is something that scares me. My friends do want to be parents and I absolutely want that for them since it’s what would make them happy, but I do feel sad at knowing it could spell the end of our friendship because they lack time or I do, and I’d feel selfish and like a pest if trying to keep in touch with them only made their days harder.

My relationship with my boyfriend would be non-existent. We wouldn’t know each other, let alone be a couple. This is because he doesn’t want children either, so if I had a child, neither of us would’ve had a chance with each other. Of course, if I’d never met him, I wouldn’t know any different, but since I did, knowing I could’ve missed out on what’s been and continues to be the most loving and one of the healthiest relationships I’ve had in my life saddens me. We did nearly miss each other, but that was due to not checking messages. That was easily amended.

The third top thing I’d lose due to have a child would be my body. Now, before the cries of vanity come, looks are not what I’m referring to. I try to keep myself neat, but I do not have any care for dressing and looking like I just finished a photo shoot. I’m talking about the effects pregnancy and childbirth would have, such as tearing and having to be stitched up, and bleeding continuously for several weeks. And that’s if it goes well. Heaven forbid it goes awfully because at worst, I’m dead. I don’t care if the stitching and bleeding is “not that bad”. Don’t touch me!

On the list of smaller things I’d lose, there’s my collection of things like Disney and Pokemon, and certain outings I’ve been on. Yes, I know it’s possible to still go hiking, to farms, and to amusement parks with children, but it’s also more expensive and requires more planning. When I was invited to the farm, for example, I didn’t even have to think about saying yes. I hadn’t made any other plans, so I could say yes right away. If I’d a child, especially a small child, I definitely would’ve had to make some arrangements, like finding and being able to pay a babysitter for that day, and having someone arrive early or drop my child off early and return home to be picked up. In my eyes, that’s a pain in the behind. Those things probably seem insignificant and I wouldn’t disagree they aren’t the most important things, but they’re small things I enjoy.

While I still have no plans to do anything in particular for International Childfree Day, I will say the day is a nice reminder of a choice I’m happy to have made for my life. No, my life’s not perfect and I’m positive it never will be because perfection doesn’t exist and life enjoys stomping on people at every turn, but to know I have control over, at least, one aspect of my life is assuring and indeed makes me happy.

I’m Free!

Today, I was called to my county’s courthouse to be part of a selection of people to serve as grand jurors. After a long morning of monotonous waiting and uncomfortably sitting on wood, I’m happy to report I was not chosen!

Yes, you read that correctly. I was not chosen. And I’m very happy about that! 😀

Here’s the thing. If I’d only have to serve two weeks, which is the sentence of a petit juror, I’d have no objections. But for a grand juror, the serving sentence is nine weeks! No! Too much time! Way too long! “Civic duty”, my behind! That’s what I call punishment! Heck, just all that waiting today felt like I was being punished!

I have three years before I have a chance of being called again. I hope I’m not living in this county by that time! I hate moving, but I’ll move if it decreases my chances of being called! I’d move to another country!

But for now, it’s behind me, so I’m celebrating my freedom! 😀

The Sun and the Moon

That’s a throwback to something. I bet no one will be able to guess and I’m not giving any hints. 😉

In my post about search results, I mentioned searches for pokemon are the most common ones that lead to my blog. Funnily enough, I haven’t made a pokemon-related post since 2015. I suppose it’s not so odd since this blog is supposed to be life journal of my thoughts, feelings, and experiences, but it makes me happy something I love so much is popular on this blog. So, let’s change how recently there’s been a Pokémon post!

I am very excited for the release of Pokémon Sun and Moon! There’s yet to be a pair of games I don’t like and each new generation of games becomes my favorite. I have no doubt I’m going to love Sun and Moon over X and Y. It’ll simply be the usual. Aside from being the newest games, there are reasons I’m excited for them.

The biggest reason I’m so happy about Sun and Moon is the creators bought trainer customization back! Its absence in the ORAS games is one of my disappointments and the games being remakes does not justify that because fairy types and features like Pokémon Amie are in the ORAS pair when they didn’t exist in the original RSE games either. Therefore, that excuse is a pile of fish carcasses! I got a lot of hate on Tumblr for pointing that out and being unhappy about the absence of trainer customization, but it’s Tumblr and a fandom. The majority of people on Tumblr don’t like you not thinking how they do and I’ve ranted plenty about fandoms already.

Better is there are now four trainers to choose from of each gender instead of three. Two characters who look more like me now. Yay! Whether characters look like me or not isn’t particularly a big deal, but it’s always a nice thing, especially when it’s something I’m playing through. Reading trainer customization was returning was especially a nice surprise because the creators once said trainer customization was only meant for Kalos. It’s their choice and their games, but I rolled my eyes so hard at that. What, Kalos is the only region where people like shopping? Well, I suppose it could be. I don’t write the stories!

After trainer customization, the next thing I’m most excited for is, supposedly, Sun and Moon will be entirely in 3D (graphic-wise, not the effect). There will be no 2D imagery whatsoever. I am very thrilled for that because I always wondered why X and Y weren’t fully 3D when they were the first pair of Pokémon games for the 3DS. When I think about it, however, I suppose that could be why. X and Y could be seen as a trial run and a stepping stone to improving the Pokémon games further and further for the 3DS. Everybody starts somewhere and why bite off more than you can chew when it’s your first time with something new?

(Wow. That sounds so wrong.)

I also adore the starter pokemon: Litten (the cat), Popplio (the seal), and Rowlet (the owl). I’ve already chosen my starters. I’m choosing Litten in Sun and Popplio in Moon. I like cats, so it’s not hard to see why Litten is my first choice. For Popplio, I just like its design more than Rowlet’s. However, I can’t say I’m liking most of the new pokemon’s designs so far. My favorite, besides Litten, is Pikipek, but of the new pokemon that have been shown, I see most of their designs as ugly or hideous. Although, Cutiefly falls under “ugly cute” for me. It is cute, but I hate mosquitoes. When I first heard its name, my thought was it sounds like a fan came up with it. Then again, the same could be said for most pokemon’s names (fun fact: “Cutiefly” rhymes with “Beautifly“). Fan-made sounding names aren’t anything new.

Another new feature, one of the smaller ones, I’m thrilled about is during pokemon battles, there’s an indicator to tell you how effective a move will be against your pokemon. I know the type match-ups by heart, but I don’t know every pokemon’s typing by heart and dual typing throws a wrench into it. Anything that makes a guidebook a little less necessary is a welcome addition to me!

So far, my only hope for these particular games is their post-story isn’t as short as X and Y’s. That was my only disappointment about the X and Y games. Overall, I cannot wait for Sun and Moon, and while I’m not trying to rush the summer, I’m very much looking forward to November for these games to be released (and for Disney’s newest princess, Moana).

Don’t Be A Judge

I’m not talking about the career path. I mean being judgmental in general.

Nearly two years ago, I wrote out a post on things I’ll never do in my life. At the top of the list was drugs and for good reason. Even without knowing just how bad drugs like tobacco and alcohol are, having people in my family who do them tells me enough. However, lately, I feel like I’ve started understanding just why people turn to drugs.

I’m stressed out and that’s a way I’ve been feeling often, as of late. For the most part, I manage to handle it, but every now and then, there’s a day where my thoughts turn to drinking. Not only having one drink either. These thoughts are usually binging on alcohol until I pass out and there have been times where the only thing that stops me from doing it is not wanting to deal with a hangover later on. To compensate, I binge on soda when I’m very stressed out, which isn’t healthy either, but won’t get me drunk. Unfortunately, soda doesn’t always work.

If that’s how I feel within a day, it’s not so hard for me to see what leads other people down that path. Before I go any further, let me stress I am not condoning alcoholism or other drug addictions. They’re still terrible. I’m only explaining I’m beginning to understand why people turn to drugs to cope. If you told me I could have something that’d block out my senses, and make me forget every single thing that’s plaguing my mind right now, and the only side effect was falling unconscious some time later, I would take it. I just don’t want to risk addiction, so I don’t do it because I know if I start using those as a way of handling stress, I won’t stop.

My problems are far from the worst there could be. If I’m having thoughts of drinking myself into unconsciousness from the stress I’m feeling, how must some people who have it worse than me feel? I’m not surprised someone would decide they’d rather put up with the bad effects later on to feel good now for a while. What about the people who feel like they have nothing else to lose? Truthfully, that’s one of my reasons sometimes. I feel like I’m at the bottom as it is and I can’t get any lower, so what’s the worst that could happen if I got drunk for a day or night? I know what’s the worst, but on my worst days, I feel like the risk would be worth it.

I’m aware addiction hurts more than the person with it and that’s another reason I try my hardest not to give in to the thoughts of binge drinking I have. Despite how much they’ve hurt me, I don’t want to hurt my family. I especially don’t want to hurt my best friend and boyfriend, who have never hurt me. I don’t want to lose being able to see my clinician, who’s become somewhat more of my friend now since I’m out of high school, and going to the events she hosts and as open-minded as she is, I’m certain she wouldn’t want someone with a drug addiction around her family, especially her niece and niece’s friends. I don’t want to lose me.

In short, I’m trying to stop a bad habit before it starts. Yes, I know there’s such a thing as moderation, but that’s not something I feel I can trust myself to maintain.

While that resolve of never using drugs hasn’t changed, my perspective of people with those addictions certainly has. I have no room to judge someone about binging on alcohol when I’m having thoughts of doing the same. If nothing else, the stress I’m dealing with and the thoughts I’m having are teaching me two things: 1) I’m not above anything and 2) this is why it’s critically important to never judge someone. People are different and you have no idea.

The Irony Is Murderous

Remember I mentioned the person who told lies about me prided herself on not sending hate?

The friend of mine who follows her reblogged something from her. Guess what it is? A Winx-hate bingo card. And she made it because she felt “extra petty” that day.

Well, I guess being “extra petty” explains why she lied about and falsely accused me of things. She certainly has no grounds to be claiming maturity (neither do I, but I’ve never claimed such or acted like I do).

Yes, I realize I talk about this a lot and I’ve no doubt those of you who often read this blog are tired of it, but when I discovered that from my friend’s blog, I couldn’t not share it. For someone who claims fans of the older stuff are “nostalgic and biased”, she sure has one of her own against people who don’t think like her (like that wasn’t obvious enough).

As the title of this post says, the irony is murderous.