Kaye's Days

I’m part of a Facebook group for depression and self-harm support, and someone recently posted this image.

Some people said yes and some said no. The answers were about evenly spread. Mine was as follows:

I want to say yes, but I’d lose my boyfriend and best friend, so I say no.

There’s more to it than that, but I didn’t want to go deep into answering the question at the moment.

If I reset my life, I’d lose everything, which means my life would most likely happen identically to how it already has. Resetting would be pointless. I might grow up in a different generation if resetting meant simply reverting my life to newborn instead of reversing time as well, but that’s it.

I used to say I would go back in time and prevent my existence if I could. On occasion, I still feel that way, but the feeling is rare now. Were this question posed to me back in 2012 and I would retain memory of my current life, I would be tempted to say yes, if only to fix the mistakes I’ve made. However, the full truth is I’d prefer death over repeating any part of my life prior to 2012.

No, I’m not totally in love with my life as it is now. I’m having a hard time. I’ve yet to be able to find a job, I can’t return to school for at least two more years, my family is irreparable, and I live with someone whose biggest priority is how my hair looks, to the point I’ve had to assure certain people there isn’t any sexual abuse going on in my house because without the knowledge he’s a family member, he sounds like a controlling partner. I don’t see myself as an adult and feel like a worthless member of society much of the time. I could definitely be doing better.

At the same time, it’s taken me a long time to finally reach a point where I can genuinely feel glad I have my life. My best friend and my boyfriend aren’t the only reasons I’m happy, but they are a big part of why I feel the way do. If I were somehow promised they’d be waiting for me, I still would refuse the chance to reset my life. Why miss out on that time with them? Not to mention how unfair it’d be to have them wait on me or forcibly reset their lives along with mine.

Naturally, my feelings do flip-flop a lot, but overall, my answer at the moment to this question is no. No, I would not reset my life if given the chance. I’m not willing to go through everything I’ve experienced again and I’m absolutely unwilling to lose any more people than I’ve already lost.