I haven’t been feeling well over the past few days.
I’ve been going over some of my previous posts on this blog, and some of my old stories and art on my story blog and DA account. I don’t draw anymore and I write very little. It wasn’t a conscious choice to give it up. I just began slowing down and eventually stopped doing it. Although it’s a conscious choice now since I realized that.
Some of the posts I’ve written here make me embarrassed when I go back and read them. There’s a post from January 2015 I read over where I’m pretty much confident and optimistic about the year regarding art. Now that it’s 2016, I want to go back in time and choke myself like the moron I was at the time to be writing that.
There’s a question that goes “What would you do if you knew you wouldn’t fail?” My answer to that question is many things. But that’s not reality, so it’s a silly question. My first failure/mistake was thinking I could draw or write anything good in the first place. And no, “everyone learns at their own pace” doesn’t help me feel better. That just tells me I’m slow.
I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself or my life. I do know art won’t be a part of it. Looking over the pictures and stories I made in the past makes me somewhat nostalgic and wish I could go back to those times when I enjoyed it. The truth is it’s not fun anymore. I’m not sure when it happened, but somewhere down the line, drawing and writing lost their charm, especially the former. I don’t plan things to write anymore. I just write whatever comes to mind. Perhaps the loss of interest is the consequence for becoming interested in drawing for a poor reason to begin with (wanting to make fan art).
Everyone can’t be the best, but some people aren’t best at anything. Likewise, no one can be good at everything, but some people aren’t good at anything. If I could go back to 2010 (which was a bad year to begin with due to family drama), I’d never pick up a pencil to do anything except write a school assignment.
My only problem regarding art now is what to do with my sketchbooks. One is already full, but the second is only half-full and the third is completely empty. I suppose I could toss them out, but I’d hate to waste so much paper.
I’m going to end this post with a post from Whisper and my relation to it.
Story of my life. One of the biggest lies I was told as a kid is “It’ll be okay.” No, it won’t. It will not be okay.
Kaye's Days 
March 5, 2016 at 8:16 pm
Stop being melodramatic and go draw some shit because it’s fun, you enjoy it, and because improving is a reason unto itself. Also, writing is all the feels, which evidently you have in spades considering you’re going to make me cry reading how you’re giving up – so you’re good at that too! Cheesus Crust!
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March 5, 2016 at 8:35 pm
If I wanted to be melodramatic, I’d actually have to put effort into it. You did make me laugh a little bit with the end of that comment, though.
But make you cry? What? How long have you been reading my blog that I’m able to do that?
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March 6, 2016 at 3:21 am
You write well – even if this post is awash with negativity and hopelessness – and that’s more than can be said for a huge number of other bloggers out there, not to mention you’re still young.
When I read stuff I wrote when I was 21, it makes me want to squeeze out of my skin and seep into the floorboards, never to be seen again. But that was 15 years ago and I am a completely different person now, with an entirely new writing voice.
So reading this stuff about failure and self-doubt and perceived worthlessness – yeah it gets me down because it would be a waste of what you do have, which is talent. Guess what? Honing talent takes time – and effort.
So, tough love time and all that. Take a break and come back to it when you get fired up about something, and pour that feeling into whatever medium you want. It’ll feel good and you’ll look back at this post and be embarrassed you thought about quitting.
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