Last night, my mom called me. We very rarely speak to each other because 1) I can never get ahold of her and 2) she’s bitter about my dad’s side of the family and likes to take it out on me. Anyway, unsurprisingly, she didn’t want anything. She only called to tell me she knows I dropped out of school. Okay, and…?
My mom has a habit of doing this, really. Not just trying to antagonize people she doesn’t like, but behaving in ways merely to spite people. She’s done this since I was kid, when I was still young enough to be a bargaining tool.
In short, it’s been twenty years and she still sucks at being a mother.
You’d think I cut her out of my life, at least temporarily, with the way she acts, but I can never bring myself to. I have tried to fix our relationship and all of my attempts fail. I know she won’t change. Why would she? She typically gets what she wants through manipulation. She can’t deal with someone who doesn’t think she’s always right or her word is law. She doesn’t like to admit when she’s wrong either. That’s not to say people haven’t done wrong to her. In fact, her own mother was actually worse to her than she was to me (cycle of abuse, basically).
Years ago, my mom once mentioned how she said she’d never treat her kids the way her mom treated her. Unfortunately, she only got it half-right. She may not have treated my sister and I as badly as her mom did, but her parenting was still abysmal. The only reason my sister is still in her good graces is she follows my mom around like a shadow and rarely questions a word out of her mouth.
I posted about this in a Facebook group and everyone who replied basically told me the same thing: I have to accept she will never be mother I need. And I want to accept that, yet I feel I can’t. The guilt that results from even considering cutting her out is crushing. I have no idea what the guilt is even for, but I feel bound and chained by it. But eventually, I’m going to have to figure out how to break those chains. I’m only 20 now, but soon enough, I will be 21, 22, 25, 30, and so on. I’ve already spent about two decades under her thumb. I do not want to spend the rest of my life feeling guilty and unsuccessfully trying to fix my relationship with her.
Being over eighteen is supposed to mean you’re free from your parents’ control. I don’t even live with her, nor have I for the past four years, and I don’t feel free. I feel like a caged rat.
In eight months, I will be 21 years old. I can hardly believe it. I still remember being five years old and thinking of how long it would take me to get up here. It did take longer, but I miss being smaller. At least then, I could be picked up and carried. The only reason I hate being carried is I’m too big.
Regardless of how old I get, however, there are some things I have sworn to never do in my life, no matter how bad it gets or how I bored I get. Note that I have no general negative opinion of people who choose to do and enjoy these things. I’m simply choosing not to.
I have a lot of dreams. Buy a house, be self-employed, be away from my family. However, my biggest dream is to own a large flower garden.
That dream comes from an ideal I have of flowers being the most beautiful things in the world. The vision I have in my head is the sun shining on the garden as butterflies are fluttering about in it. I know it’s a fantasy, as it definitely wouldn’t be that perfect realistically, but it’s still something I want to see.
My favorite flowers are red tulips, but I want to have many different kinds in my garden. Tulips, lilies, sunflowers, pansies, and whatever else could fit in. I’d want to have the garden right behind my house, which means I’d need a lot of space.
After being uncertain for so long, I finally have my mind made up about what I want to be: a self-employed web designer. I’m not sure how to go about it, but that’s not strange. I do hope if I ever get that going, some other things will get going too…like my dream of a garden.
I’m not the only one with college troubles. My best friend struggled with school and, despite trying her hardest, couldn’t keep her grades satisfactory. In actuality, it’s not entirely her fault. They’re her grades, yes, but the school screwed her over more than once. I helped her write an appeal and we’re both hoping it gets approve, so she can continue attending.
I was so angry when she told me she might lose her aid and be forced to withdraw. Not only because the school screwed her over, but because she works harder than anyone I know in my personal life. I don’t want to be there, so I couldn’t care less what they do to me, but she deserves to have her dreams more than anyone because she works the hardest. Whatever help I am able to give to her, I will.
If, heaven forbid, her letter isn’t approved, she will be heartbroken and I will lose my mind.