I Miss Him…

I hate to say it, but I really do miss Emmi.

That’s why I haven’t posted much. I’m not going to call him, but I admit there’s not a day that’s gone by when I consider going back on what I said.

It’s more that I miss talking to him, really. Sex-obsessed or not, he was genuinely a nice person and I really liked talking to him. He listened to me and he did understand some of my troubles. He even comforted me a few nights when I was struggling and thinking of hurting myself. It was nice to have someone I could vent to and basically respond with “I get it” instead of some lecture about how it gets better. Not that I don’t appreciate the latter, but it does get annoying at times.

I’m not horribly upset, but I guess the reason I wish I could go back is that sex was literally the only issue.

But I’m probably seeing something that’s not there. For all I know, there may have been an issue besides sex and I’m probably fantasizing too much. As much as it kills me to admit it, I still like him.

*sigh* Is this going to happen with any person I may become interested in? I probably sounded like a hormone-addled teenager, but I don’t think I can do this so many times. It hurts. Not terribly, not even awfully, but it does.

Yep, I may have to do this…

Red Flags

Since I was feeling so upset about Emmi, I posted about it on one of the forums I frequent. I got a ton of support and everyone basically told me I did the right thing and I have nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty about. That helped a ton and I am feeling better.

What’s really interesting is that the posters saw a lot of red flags that I didn’t. Such as:

  • Discussing sexual intentions with someone he’s never met face-to-face. Seeing as waiting until marriage isn’t a thing anymore and I lack experience with relationships, I assumed this was normal.
  • Him no longer wanting to speak to me, despite saying a mere moment earlier that it was alright if I still wanted to talk.
  • His refusal to meet on weekends. The reason he gave is his parents kept him busy, but the posters think he may have someone else.
  • One I saw: his insistence on meeting at night and going to a private place hidden by trees. This is why I postponed meeting him for so long in the first place. Even if he is harmless (and I do believe he is), I don’t like the idea of being somewhere “secret” or performing sexual acts in his car, for that matter.
  • That he seemed to only want a hook-up relationship. Even if I were not asexual, I would not like the idea of every time we got together preceding sex.

While I was never playing with his heart, I’m beginning to wonder if he was playing with mine. He knows I have no experience whatsoever, yet he still spoke explicitly about sex. I’d think he’d realize I would’ve freaked out if he spoke like that.

It doesn’t matter anymore, but I’m even happier we never met face-to-face now. I’m not going to give up entirely on meeting someone, but I’m going to stop looking for the time being and keep away from dating sites (where I met him). I wish the best to any woman he does end up with and I hope she has a sex drive as high as outer space. She will need it.

Bye Bye, Emmi…

I have a broken heart tonight. And for once, it’s my fault.

I broke it off with Emmi. Just to be clear, he did not do anything wrong. He didn’t hurt me in any way.

I planned to meet him this Tuesday. I knew he wanted to do sexual activities when we met up and I was fine with that. Meeting up was my idea entirely. But when he described exactly the kind of stuff he wanted to do with me, it was too much. I couldn’t stomach it. I literally felt sick. To put it lightly, it wasn’t what I was expecting.

After that, I knew I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t go through with it. So I told him he’s going to have to find another girl. One who’s more…sexual, to say the least. Of course, he wasn’t happy and we are no longer talking, but I guess it’s better this happened before things got serious.

Yet, despite never meeting him, my heart is broken. It’s broken and it’s my fault. I broke it. But now, I know better. I know I can’t handle a sexual relationship. I know I am not ready for that. Being asexual, I’m not sure I ever will be. But that’s fine. There’s nothing wrong with me. Maybe I’ll find a another asexual person someday, but if not, I can live with it.

One thing is certain. I listened to my own intuition and I’ve never been happier that I did. I still like him, hence why my heart is broken, but I’ll get over it. I’ll be okay.

Giving and Smiling

I haven’t decided whether or not to purchase seven years for a DA membership or just go with one year. However, I did purchase two small ones today, but they were not for me.

A friend of mine on DA has a premium subscription and she only had two weeks left on it. She makes a lot of art and I mean a lot. I don’t know what the significance of premium membership is to her, but I took a wild guess and figured she’d prefer not to lose it. So I purchased a one-month extension for her. She now has six weeks remaining. Not much, but she was very happy, which she made clear with a journal as a thank you. I sent it anonymously, so she doesn’t know I sent it, hence the journal.

One of her watchers commented on how lucky she was and that she (the watcher) always wanted a premium membership. I figured since it was a small expense and I can and want to, I’d make that wish come true. I purchased three months for her. She squealed with joy and also made a journal as a thank you. Like the first user, I sent it anonymously.

I’m not posting this because I want praise. It’s sweet, but unneeded. I gave those gifts to be nice and they were cheap anyway ($15 total). But doing that made me smile. I have no idea why because, in my mind, it was a tiny gesture. I merely felt like being nice. No reason besides that. I wasn’t even expecting either of them to be so excited. A little grateful, but not as delighted as they got, so that was my big surprise.  I won’t link the users’ journals, but by their happiness, one would think I’d given them each $100. I’m not complaining about their appreciation, of course.

I always swore that if I became rich I would regularly give to others, either online or in person. I eventually learned being rich isn’t necessary to do that, but I never fail to be amazed by how small gestures can mean so much to some people.

Wishful Wednesday: DeviantArt Membership

This Wednesday’s wish is something I may actually receive soon.

I’ve been a member of DeviantArt since 2010, although my current account isn’t that old. At the minute, I have a premium membership, which I love, but it expires in four months (June 26th). I’m planning on extending it. Normally, I’d go with a year or automatic billing ($4.95/mo), but I’ve been considering buying a 7-year membership.

It won’t put a dent in anything, so the cost isn’t the problem. What’s holding me back is if I’d even still be on DA in seven years. I love art and the site, but I’ve left a lot of sites I loved (Neopets, Millsberry before it closed down, FMyLife, Fanfiction.net to name a few). I don’t want to spend $200 on something I may not stick around for. At the minute, I’m not even uploading any art because I working on improving my skills and using my sketchbook again.

I’d like to say I’m certain I will still be on the site in 2021, but I said the same about every other site I was a member and I ended up leaving anyway due to my interests changing, despite still liking the sites. I have a long list of sites I stopped playing on or reading as a result, dating all the way back to 2004. Heck, I still remember what my character from Millsberry.com looked like and the name of my very first account on Neopets.

I don’t want to wait too long to decide because I don’t want the current subscription to expire, but I don’t want to just jump into it and hit “purchase”. I guess it’s a risk I have to decide whether or not is worth taking.