The First Time…

2014 may be a special year for me. There are many reasons why, but one has me anxious. It may be the year I lose my virginity.

The guy I’ve been talking to since late last year has shown himself to be good-natured and patient, believe it or not. Last night, we were having a nice conversation and he turned something innocuous I said into something sexual (he knew what I meant). He was only kidding, but I kept up the joke and eventually, we got into talking about actually meeting up to have sexual relations (not intercourse).

He’s not pressuring me. In fact, had I not kept up the joke that initiated the conversation, we would’ve continued talking about normal everyday stuff. But I sincerely want to participate with him. What’s keeping me from outright saying yes is anxiety (which he picked up on). I’m nervous about merely letting someone touch me sexually, let alone having sex with someone. It’s not out of fear that he’ll hurt me. It’s doing something I normally wouldn’t allow to happen.

As I said, I want to participate with him. I really do not feel he’s trying to make me and I do have feelings for him. I asked for advice on an asexuality forum, but all I got was the generic “do what feels right”. Well, duh. What else am I supposed to do? The thing is I have desire battling anxiety, so both options are at a stalemate. I could regret simply meeting up with him because I’m so anxious, but I could also regret not doing so because I want to.

It looks like this is something I can’t take much advice on and will just have to decide on my own. I don’t need sexual activities of any kind, but I want to have them at least once. No matter how long I wait, even if it’s twenty years, I will be nervous. I know that doesn’t mean I have to do it now, but I’m not sure I want to wait until much later either, as conflicting as that sounds. I just have to decide which is better to listen to: my desire, which will potentially make me happy, or my anxiety, which will potentially be protecting me.

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