The First Time…

2014 may be a special year for me. There are many reasons why, but one has me anxious. It may be the year I lose my virginity.

The guy I’ve been talking to since late last year has shown himself to be good-natured and patient, believe it or not. Last night, we were having a nice conversation and he turned something innocuous I said into something sexual (he knew what I meant). He was only kidding, but I kept up the joke and eventually, we got into talking about actually meeting up to have sexual relations (not intercourse).

He’s not pressuring me. In fact, had I not kept up the joke that initiated the conversation, we would’ve continued talking about normal everyday stuff. But I sincerely want to participate with him. What’s keeping me from outright saying yes is anxiety (which he picked up on). I’m nervous about merely letting someone touch me sexually, let alone having sex with someone. It’s not out of fear that he’ll hurt me. It’s doing something I normally wouldn’t allow to happen.

As I said, I want to participate with him. I really do not feel he’s trying to make me and I do have feelings for him. I asked for advice on an asexuality forum, but all I got was the generic “do what feels right”. Well, duh. What else am I supposed to do? The thing is I have desire battling anxiety, so both options are at a stalemate. I could regret simply meeting up with him because I’m so anxious, but I could also regret not doing so because I want to.

It looks like this is something I can’t take much advice on and will just have to decide on my own. I don’t need sexual activities of any kind, but I want to have them at least once. No matter how long I wait, even if it’s twenty years, I will be nervous. I know that doesn’t mean I have to do it now, but I’m not sure I want to wait until much later either, as conflicting as that sounds. I just have to decide which is better to listen to: my desire, which will potentially make me happy, or my anxiety, which will potentially be protecting me.

No Relationships

Recently, something crossed my mind. There are no good relationships in my family.

Out of my immediate family, there were only two marriages and they were both bad. One was my aunt’s (paternal grandmother’s sister) and it ended because the man was abusive. The other was the one between my paternal grandparents, which became bad in the few years before my grandmother died. After her death, I discovered my grandfather had been cheating on her and even had children with a different woman.

Besides those marriages, there have never been any long-term relationships. None of the children in my family were planned. Most of them were born when their parents weren’t together. I myself was the consequence of a one-night stand.

I’m starting to wonder if the lack of stable relationships I saw growing up may had an influence on my perspective of them. I view marriage as being chained to somebody for life, an idea that doesn’t appeal to me. Divorce exists, but it’s a pain in the rear to deal with and if I marry, I only want to marry once. One and done. Yes, I know you choose the person you marry, but what if you choose the wrong person? I’d be too afraid of choosing the wrong person a second time. I’m already a little afraid that giving a certain person a second chance could be a mistake, despite that person seeming to prove it isn’t.

A lot of my family members have a long list of past relationships. While I have nothing against that, I don’t want to a long list for myself, whether they failed or were never serious. In fact, if I were to marry, I wouldn’t want to until I was at least thirty so I could have some of my life to myself. At the minute, my family doesn’t want me dating anyone, but I’m sure their tune will change in a few years and instead, they’ll be bugging me about when I’m getting married or whether I’m dating someone.

Truthfully, I think I’d be happier with a long-term, steady boyfriend or girlfriend for life than a marriage because of my need for having much of my own space. I do not live well with other people. I believe I’d even tire of my friends sooner or later if we had to live together, despite that I care very much for them. That said, compatibility probably counts a lot here. I’d, of course, try not to be demanding or overbearing, but if there could be some kind of understanding between, it might work out.

There’s also the possibility I may never have a serious, steady relationship at all and that’s perfectly fine with me as well. Finding and keeping a relationship is an experience I genuinely want to have, but it’s not high on my priority list. It’s not something I’m dedicating all of my time too.

Happy New Year! 2014!