If I Had Killed Myself…

Months ago, I talked about how I struggle with depression. I can’t say whether it’s gotten better or worse. What I can say is it has gotten better since 2010, when it reached its peak. To make a long story short, age 16 was the worst year for me with depression. I was fighting every hour of the day to not do injure myself, let alone kill myself. I am much better now and although it’s only been three years, I can say I am glad I didn’t kill myself. Sometimes, I have mixed feelings about it, but overall, I am glad I didn’t.

If I had killed myself, I wouldn’t…

  • Have met my best friend, or my pen pal in Britain. Both are very sweet, fun, adorable girls and I am so glad to know them.
  • Have met my clinician, who I absolutely love, admire, and adore.
  • Have met two nice guys. Remember the one who dumped me for being asexual? He messaged me again and I gave him a second chance. So far, he’s proven he has patience.
  • Have become a part of a great Sims 3 community. It’s a Facebook group I’m a part of and they’re very nice people. They make the game more fun for me.
  • Have become a part of the childfree community. In fact, I would’ve never known the word “childfree” existed!
  • Have graduated high school. Well, I would’ve been dead, so it wouldn’t have mattered anyway, but the smallest thing I ever wanted to do, besides reach 18, was finish high school.
  • Have seen age 18. Next milestone age is 21.
  • Be getting an iPad Air next year. Granted, I would’ve never gotten into them if my school hadn’t given them out during my junior year, but too late now.

Bad things have still happened, of course, but I really couldn’t care less. For one, none of it permanently affects me. Two, the above is far more worth it. On New Year’s Eve, I will do a “best days” list for 2013. I think I’ll repeat the list for 2014. It really was fun to do and a great way to remind myself of some good times.


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