Best Days of 2013

In less than 24 hours, 2013 will have finally ended and 2014 will be upon us. This year as a whole has been less than good, but some days and events happened that I want to recall. Read the rest of this entry »

If I Had Killed Myself…

Months ago, I talked about how I struggle with depression. I can’t say whether it’s gotten better or worse. What I can say is it has gotten better since 2010, when it reached its peak. To make a long story short, age 16 was the worst year for me with depression. I was fighting every hour of the day to not do injure myself, let alone kill myself. I am much better now and although it’s only been three years, I can say I am glad I didn’t kill myself. Sometimes, I have mixed feelings about it, but overall, I am glad I didn’t.

If I had killed myself, I wouldn’t…

  • Have met my best friend, or my pen pal in Britain. Both are very sweet, fun, adorable girls and I am so glad to know them.
  • Have met my clinician, who I absolutely love, admire, and adore.
  • Have met two nice guys. Remember the one who dumped me for being asexual? He messaged me again and I gave him a second chance. So far, he’s proven he has patience.
  • Have become a part of a great Sims 3 community. It’s a Facebook group I’m a part of and they’re very nice people. They make the game more fun for me.
  • Have become a part of the childfree community. In fact, I would’ve never known the word “childfree” existed!
  • Have graduated high school. Well, I would’ve been dead, so it wouldn’t have mattered anyway, but the smallest thing I ever wanted to do, besides reach 18, was finish high school.
  • Have seen age 18. Next milestone age is 21.
  • Be getting an iPad Air next year. Granted, I would’ve never gotten into them if my school hadn’t given them out during my junior year, but too late now.

Bad things have still happened, of course, but I really couldn’t care less. For one, none of it permanently affects me. Two, the above is far more worth it. On New Year’s Eve, I will do a “best days” list for 2013. I think I’ll repeat the list for 2014. It really was fun to do and a great way to remind myself of some good times.

 

Better As Friends

Around this time last year, I was developing feelings for my friend in the UK. I was sad because I knew there was no chance of us ever being to together and that’s what ultimately led to the feelings fading. But now, I’m really glad I don’t feel that way towards her anymore and that I never told her.

If I’d chosen to tell her, my heart would’ve been crushed, despite knowing ahead of time she didn’t feel that way. Things would be awkward from then on. And if we had been able to get together and be a couple, what if it didn’t work out? We’d likely never speak again.

It’s better to remain friends. I realize friendships often don’t last a lifetime, but as friends, I have a better chance of talking to her for a long time, if not for life. The feelings have faded, so there is absolutely no point in telling her they ever existed. And truthfully, what’s in my head is a fantasy. A relationship with her would not be how I was picturing it. I’m not saying it’d be bad. I don’t think it would be at all. But reality would clash with my fantasy in a head-on collision.

Having her in my life as my friend is the best I could ask for.

Merry Christmas!

I made this for a group on Facebook, but I figure there’s no harm in sharing it here too:

Holiday spirit

I’m Back…

Back at my grandfather’s house, I mean. I never left the blog.

Things with my mother toppled over and, long story short, she kicked me out. Well, that’s not entirely accurate. I left in the morning on December 1st to go on a trip with my father (which she was well aware of) and she decided she didn’t want me to come back. In a simple sentence, she abandoned me.

Why and how this happened, I have no idea. She was fine when I left, but became angry at me later on. I attempted to reconcile with her multiple times, but she made it clear she wasn’t interested.

On top of kicking me out, she lied to me about something serious that could’ve affected my ability to attend college, and told my relatives I pulled a knife on her, an incident that never occurred.

All she has is the remainder of my stuff, which I will attempt to get before the year is over. After that, she will have no reason to contact me, so we will have removed each other from our own lives. I admit I have struggled with some emotions about this for the past few days, but I realize I have no choice but to accept it. If she doesn’t want me, she doesn’t want me, and there is nothing I can do about it. I’d like to know where the false accusations come from (that tale about the knife is merely one), but I don’t care enough to question her. And even if I did, she’d likely deny it, as she does many things. Ironically, she says she never forgets things. I think she has selective memory, but then again, most people probably do, myself included.

I find myself surprisingly stoic about this. That is, in spite of all the mixed emotions over the past few days, I don’t feel too abnormal. Nothing really feels very  different. I’m hurt, yes, but not as much as I would expect myself to be over something like this. I’m willing to bet that doesn’t make much sense, but then, neither does this situation as a whole. At the very least, I wish she would tell me what she’s angry about.

With everything that’s occurred, I really want nothing more than for 2014 to arrive. I cannot wait for this year to be over.