Kaye's Days

Depression sucks. That’s an understatement. I’ve currently been dealing with it for seven years and counting. I feel bad almost everyday and some days are truly awful. Not so long ago, I had a day where I was feeling so bad, I wanted to hurt myself. I didn’t. Instead, I made some feel-good images and posted them on my main Tumblr blog. I got a message from one of my followers, expressing sympathy. I also told one of my friends and she replied back, saying she understood and hoped I was okay. I really appreciated that.

Still, some days, I feel like I’m fighting just to get out of bed and when I do get up, it’s a mental struggle to stay up. And I hate myself for feeling that way. I hate feeling like everything is a battle to do, even things I enjoy. My mind feels heavy, almost like a headache, but I don’t have one.

As hard as it is, I know life in general is a struggle and, for me, depression is a part of it, but I can’t keep lying down and doing nothing. That’s much easier said than done, but I know I can do it. A few months ago, I mentioned wanting to create a “productivity list“. I never got around to it, but now, I don’t think I need to. I do something I deem productive almost everyday and I don’t need to keep track. I also know it’s okay not to be productive once in a while.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I’m going to try to send in three job applications a week. It’s not much, but it’s something and maybe I can slowly increase it as time goes on. I’ve also decided this time to not stop when I start something and get it finished. Right now, I have an unfinished game, an unfinished picture, and an unfinished story. I know I don’t have to finish them in one day, but I will get them done. It’s not going to be an easy and I know I’m going to have more awful days, but that might be when I need to do something most to calm myself.

I don’t think I’ll have much of a chance of recovering from depression until I can support myself, so until then, I’ll do my best to hang on.