Kaye's Days

Heads up. This post will be more rambling than straightforward. Over the last few days, I’ve been realizing and thinking about some things, and the prom gave me a huge perspective on something. Basically, I just want to talk and since no one is around who can understand, a post will have to do. Plus, it’ll feel better to write it all out anyway.

I expressed my happiness for my friend at her being able to go to prom, but some sadness for myself at not being able to go. What I realized is it’s not her being able to attend prom that had me upset. It was how. Certain relationships she had are what granted her ability to go. The fee waiver for the ticket, the accessories, being able to take someone with her, even how she got there (her friend’s mom took her, not her mom). That was what upset me. Her friend’s family have known her for years and she’s been in that district much longer than I have. I never had the chance to form friendships several years long because I moved so much and was always “the new girl”. To put it simply, I was jealous.

I have relationships that my friend will never have that got me things she didn’t get. But that gets into the “one-up game”, and I hate that. However, what I also realized that night was even if I went to the prom, I wouldn’t enjoy it. At least, not completely. Instead of being sad I couldn’t go, I’d be sad about not having a good time or not being able to bring someone like my friend did. If I had a good time, I would say my friends had a better time or looked nicer than I did. No matter what, I’d find something that made me unhappy.

Prom is only one thing. This has happened with other things. Take drawing, for example. The only reason I started was my love for a particular show. Sure, I want to eventually learn how to draw every darn thing under the sun now, but fan art is my main goal. I wanted something others had – drawing skills – all because of some pretty things I saw on online and some pretty girls I saw on my television who aren’t real! I feel like kicking myself every time I think of that! Jealousy again.

Let’s go with something more meaningful. I’ll graduate high school this year at the age of 19. Although it’s not entirely my fault, I feel like an idiot. But what if I graduated at 18? Then, I’d feel upset that I didn’t graduate at 17 like some people I know are doing. One of my teachers has occasionally mentioned her older daughter. How she’s 16 (I think) and all of her classes are ahead of her grade level and advanced placement, and how she already has the qualifications for colleges like Harvard and Yale. It doesn’t matter that my teacher isn’t taking shots at us and is merely talking about her daughter. I feel like an idiot! But why I am jealous of somebody I don’t know and never will? Insecurity.

I am not casting blame with what I’m about to say next, but all problems are caused by something, right? I think this mentality stems from my upbringing. As I mentioned in previous posts, my family is very vain. Growing up, my mom was a hypocrite. She would yell at us for not being happy with what we had, but would turn around and yell at us for not wanting what everybody else had. She would want me to have shoes “like the girls wear” or have my hair done “like the girls do it”. Basically, she wanted me to fit in, whereas I didn’t give two cents about fitting in. I also remember occasions where she would scream at me that as long as I got what I wanted, I was happy (isn’t that natural?). Yet, this also applied to her. As long as she got what she wanted, she was happy. Now, maybe this was how parent/child relationships were supposed to be. Maybe it was that whole “I’m the parent, you’re the child” thing that she always preached at me. I’m still confused. But my point is her actions spoke louder than her words. She told me one thing, but did another. I was a kid. How was I supposed to grasp this? That “do as I say, not as I do” quote aside, how on Earth do you tell a kid not to mimic their parents? More so, how do you tell your kid not to follow? I can see this how could work at teen age, but under? My head hurts.

As human beings, it’s natural to want things. That alone doesn’t make any of us selfish or conceited, no matter how big or small it is. But the reasons and the feelings behind those reasons might. If my friend hadn’t gone to the prom, I wouldn’t have a second thought about not going because I would be with her. Her attending the prom triggered a feeling of jealousy, which triggered a stronger desire for me to go to prom. Same with drawing. Pretty images I saw on a screen triggered jealousy and that jealousy triggered a desire to attain a certain skill. And if wanting something wasn’t triggered by jealousy, the trigger was simply having it. Sometimes, I knew I wouldn’t use something once I got it, but I still wanted it because I wanted to have it. I wanted to be able to say “I have that.” This applies to my games and even my clothes. I was trying to be like others and have what they have.

None of that is entirely bad. I genuinely love the games I have. I recently got back into playing Pokémon Black 2 and those games are just awesome! Not to mention I got an exclusive pokemon for both versions from a Nintendo event. Those feelings I had didn’t wreck my friendship. I didn’t let them consume me. She has no clue of those feelings. I may not have fan art, but I do have fan fiction. My private blog is a bunch of fan made stories I wrote, some even being composed of characters I made up entirely. And, as is listed under the “Other Sites” tab, I created my own group based on the show I love and I might be creating another one based on Pokémon.

That said, it’s not entirely good either. It’s not good for me to be jealous of others, especially my friends. I shouldn’t be kicking myself for things that essentially have nothing to do with me. I shouldn’t feel inferior, especially when I don’t even know the person. And I certainly shouldn’t be basing my self-worth solely on academics. That doesn’t mean I won’t try hard, but earlier this year, I made a promise to myself that if I didn’t graduate, I’d commit suicide. Let me reiterate that more strongly.

I intended to kill myself for academics!

That is terrible! From what I know, life expectancy is age 75. It might be higher, but let’s go with that. I’m 19 years old. 19 is 25.3% of 75. Not counting unseen events that kill me, I would cut off at least 75% of my life span because I decided I was stupid for not finishing on time or after. I take responsibility for what is my fault, but not for what isn’t. A job would be an entirely different story, but I’m talking about school. You know what school doesn’t teach? Self-esteem, social skills (in fact, friendships aren’t encouraged), or even “the real world”, as they call it. You’re not guaranteed anything! As my friend shows, it’s sometimes who you know that gets you ahead, not what you have.

I’m not entirely sure what the point of writing all this is. I suppose merely to let some thoughts out, although I didn’t intend for it to become this long. I only wish I figured out all of this seven years ago or just three years ago. In spite of all the issues surrounding me, they would’ve been easier to deal with if I knew then what I know now.

I now consider myself in recovery from two things: depression and my upbringing. By the way, remember that teacher I was angry at? I’m over it. I can’t say I’ll forget it or I forgive her, but I’m not angry about it anymore. I don’t matter to her and she doesn’t matter to me, so who cares? I’m okay. That sounds small, but I mean it. I’m okay.