No Respect

This is something I’ve been feeling that I really just need to get out. I’ve held it in because it makes me seem arrogant, but it’s building up, so I figure I’ll just put it here.

I don’t respect my family.

It’s not something I’m proud of and I try to have respect for them, but I simply can’t muster much. Some, I have a little respect for, but others, I don’t have any. My family has done little that I find worth respecting.

I feel like this is something that goes back to how I feel towards my friends because I have much more respect for them. It’s more than that they generally treat me better. The way my friends are going, they will have done more with their lives by the age of 22 than anyone in my family has up to the current points in their lives. That’s sad.

My family has ultimately failed at everything except staying alive. Even parenting was a failure for them. I’ll admit my own mother did better than hers did, but not by much. Out of my whole family, there’s only one person I can think of who I can respect: my paternal grandmother. She worked in elder care for over forty years. Unfortunately, she’s now deceased.

I’m not someone who automatically respects people because they’re bigger than me. My respect has to be earned. Of course, I’ll respect someone who treats me and others well, no matter what. Kind-heartedness and sensitivity are the best traits I think a person can have. At the same time, if someone would rather complain or make excuses and generally not help themselves, I can’t say I’ll think highly of them.

I understand everybody complains. I sure do! I also understand that life is hard and it really does suck. The economy is bad, the country is getting worse. It seems like anyone who doesn’t take their own life is admirable and even those who do are admirable in their own way because I can’t blame them. Then, there’s depression and everything that brings. If you ever want to know how much depression sucks, email me. Trust me. I can tell you.

However, if someone does nothing about it, I start to blame them. Even depressed people don’t like when others use depression as an excuse. In fact, people who are truly depressed generally look for ways out of their situations (hence why suicide can come into play). My family does a lot of complaining, but doesn’t even try to do anything. They’ve never tried to better themselves or they give up too easily or they even make the same mistake again and again.

Besides the above, I also lack respect for my family for the prejudices some of them hold. I already mentioned my grandfather’s once. My maternal grandmother dislikes anyone who isn’t black. My mother has something against Haitians, although she may not anymore. I’m not sure. And, of course, there’s the vanity, which really irks my nerves. Last week, my grandfather screamed at me because my mother didn’t come to do my hair and complained to my uncle that I don’t care about how I look. This was ignorant of the fact that I had washed and styled my hair that day. Why he thinks I can’t tend to my own hair is beyond me, but I don’t care much for what he has to say because of that.

Between refusal to do or try anything, irrational prejudice and vanity, I don’t think it’s hard to see why I don’t respect my family. I’ve already decided that I’m going to have minimal contact with them when I’m eventually on my own. Nobody needs or deserves toxicity in their life and if they can’t treat me like a person, then I want nothing to do with them.

Sometimes, I forget who’s the parent…

Because the person who is sure doesn’t act like it!

My mom and sister are sleeping at my house…again. It’s ironic I’m moving in with these two, but I guess I’m used to it. Still, I am really getting tired of being used as a back-up plan. Besides their terrible guest manners (my sister drank the juices and ate all the candy and didn’t ask and is now taking up my bed), it’s my spring break. They took my winter break. I didn’t get a moment’s peace. Yet they don’t understand why I don’t want them staying here during spring break.

My mom really needs to start planning for stuff, but of course, she doesn’t. She can’t think ahead. I remember, as a child, how she always forgot things until the last minute, yet complained when my sister or I did it, as if she wasn’t a bad example. Her inability to plan things is the reason for mine and my sister’s existence and the reason we’ve moved so much.

I complain too. I won’t deny that. But one thing I’ve learned to do is consider and plan things ahead. That’s how I’ve reached a lot of my own decisions.

If anything, this has made me all the more determined to find a job and get my own apartment as soon as possible after I leave high school. I don’t care how hard living alone is. It’s better than being somebody’s back-up plan.

Wishful Wednesday: Stop Pounding!

Headache

My wish for this Wednesday is short and sweet: I want my head to stop pounding!

The reason it’s pounding is that I went to my school’s karaoke evening. They’ve had talent shows before, so I assumed it’d be good. How wrong I was! It was awful! Except for two people, everyone sang terribly!

The only good side is I got to spend a bit of time with one of my friends. They’ve scheduled another karaoke evening for May 1st. I will not be attending!

Mundane Monday: I Love Technology

Today, I want to express my appreciation for technology and the world of the internet.

Seriously. Without technology, I wouldn’t have this sanctuary I call the internet. I wouldn’t have a lot of the knowledge that I do and that includes non-technological knowledge. I wouldn’t have my pen pals, contact with my old friends or multiple fun groups and forums of like-minded people. I wouldn’t have gotten into drawing, writing or blogging, as all these interests were sparked by technology (television, specifically).

My friends are what make me most grateful that I live in a technological world. My life would’ve continued on without them, but now that I know them, I would be sad to lose them. Even my British friend, who I have only been speaking to for a few months, I would be saddened at losing if it happened. I know most friendships don’t last forever, but that doesn’t mean they have to end prematurely.

Of course, at the end of the day, it’s nice to have an outlet. Something to look forward to coming home for.

Fairy of Technology

This girl is the cutest nerd ever. Don’t make fun of me!

Wishful Wednesday: Let’s Feel Better

Pfft. I wish it were that easy.

My wish for this week is simple. A friend and I have been having some bad days. I won’t describe what’s wrong since I’m trying to complain less and disclosing my friend’s personal problems is disrespectful, but I wish we could feel better and just be happy for the time being.

Sad girl