Sweet on the Outside, Sour on the Inside

If there’s one thing that never fails to shock me, it’s how differently I’m treated by people outside my family compared to how I’m treated by my actual family members.

The director of the college got back to me about my email. Not only was he sympathetic, but he completely agreed I should wait until things are settled and I feel better to start school. I saved that email just because his compassion meant so much.

My school clinician also sympathized. In fact, when I said how stressed I was feeling and wanted nothing more than to leave, she went as far as to ask me if there was sexual abuse going on (probably due to my reluctance to talk about it). While it’s part of her job (and she’s a mandated reporter), she could’ve also told me I was being dramatic. But she didn’t. She also agreed I should start school later if it meant I’d be healthier. She warned me of putting it off for too long, but still understood me.

I know not everyone I cross paths with will be kind to me and I don’t expect it. At the same time, however, I find it odd and a little sad that I get more compassion from people who have only known me a short time than people who have known me since infancy.


I think it’s official: I have problems.

According to the “college” tag on my blog, I’ve made five posts about my college plans, not counting the rant when I was having a bad day that I made on February 4th. Not only is this another post about college, but guess what I’m thinking now. Here’s a hint: check the title.

That’s right. Now, I’m thinking of postponing going to college. Specifically, holding off for a year.

It is kind of crazy. Why would I run myself crazy to three different campuses and fret about having to come up with $300 by May 1 if I’m going to postpone it until I’m 20? What’s the point of all this stress? Well, there are a few reasons.

  • My grandfather. I’ve ranted about him several times. He’s a controlling prick who thinks he knows everything, despite that he hasn’t the slightest idea how to help me and I don’t want his help anyway. I cannot tolerate him and focus on any amount of schoolwork at the same time. I just can’t. Even if I’ll be gone by then, a month is not enough to recover from his nonsense.
  • Work/Finance. I cannot work while I’m here, but I really need to find a job. That will be a lot easier to do once I move in with Mom, but it’ll take longer than a month. Coming up with $300 in 3 months may be doable, but it’s still pushing it and I’d rather just save up over time. Not to mention, I can save up for commuting and get my license too.
  • Stress. Yes, I know I’m going to be under stress in college, but I have to be realistic. Getting rid of one source of stress only to immediately come under another is not good. I know some people can handle it, but I can’t. I am not stable and if things get any worse, I will snap. It will be better if I take some time and calm down. Then, I can enter college with a healthier mind.
  • Medical reasons. I have not been to a doctor in about two years or so and it’s not by my own choice. I have to see the eye doctor and have my eyeglasses replaced, I have to go see the dentist and I probably have to go to the gynecologist again. Better to get all of that out of the way before college, especially the eyeglasses.
  • Studying. I did poorly on the math part of the college’s entrance exam. If I can find out what kind of math they do, I can study and have a chance at doing better when I actually attend. It’ll also be easier to study for my driver’s license and maybe a few other things. Then, I’m not mixing up everything.

Of course, I have to talk to my mom about this since she’s the one who’ll be housing my behind. I’m pretty sure she won’t mind because it’s not like I just want to lay around the house all day. Maybe I can finally learn to cook too.

I’m going to send an email to the director of the campus I chose and ask how long they’ll hold my application. I absolutely will attend college, but not while I’m unhealthy. Trying to rush everything is just a recipe for disaster in the making.