She’s Right and She’s Wrong

I don’t like to be serious, but there’s something I really want to talk about.

On the 1st of January, I posted about possibly being in love with my pen pal from the United Kingdom. While this post isn’t exactly about her, she’s a part of it.

My friend hasn’t been dealt the best hand in life. She has gone through a lot and still is. Back in December, she was having a really bad day. I don’t think anything in particular happened on that day. She was just fed up and feeling very frustrated with a few things. But that was the day she told me she was planning to commit suicide in the upcoming months (I know which one, specifically). As her friend, and someone who cares about people in general, I was horrified when she told me that, but moreso when she said the plans were made in October. I didn’t start speaking to her until November, which means she could’ve been dead already. That thought scares me. Fortunately, she was feeling better the next day and we were able to have a funny and friendly conversation.

Suicide didn’t come up again until last weekend. I brought it up by mentioning a post on one of my Tumblr blogs. I wasn’t intending to make her mention it, but she did and I asked her how she would carry her plans out if she were to follow through with them. Bleach and sleeping pills obtained from her doctor while her family was out. Smart girl.

One of the things I’m big on with friendship is trust. For me, that essentially means I don’t gossip about my friends and tell their business to others, even if there’s no chance they will find out. However, I was worried about her, so I mentioned her suicidal ideas to my own psychologist. I had told her before my friend was depressed and suicidal, which was a mistake because it got her called a drama queen. Today, I told how she would go about carrying her plans out if she wanted to. Now, here’s where the reason for the title of this post comes in.

Telling my friend’s plan proved how serious she was, but my clinician gave me a bad suggestion in response. She told me to tell my friend’s mother about her intentions. In any other circumstance, this would be wise, but not here for the simple reason that my friend’s mother doesn’t care about her. At least, not her mental health. She knows my friend is mentally unwell, but doesn’t help her. In fact, she harms her. I wouldn’t be able to talk to her anyway, but if I could, I wouldn’t do it. Unfortunately, my clinician didn’t understand this. While I do only have one side of the story (my friend’s), the fact of the matter is that nothing my friend could do would make her deserve being treated the way she is.

My clinician’s second suggestion was not any better. She suggested I trick my friend into giving me her address so I could tell her mother of her intentions that way. Ignoring the break in my friend’s trust that would result, I don’t trick my friends unless it’s April Fool’s Day. Of course, she said betrayal was better than death and while she may be right, there is something she just does not understand.

If my friend really wants to kill herself, she will and no one will be able to stop her. However, she doesn’t want to die. She wants to get out of her current situation. Why would I do something that could make her situation worse? She’s already hit rock bottom and is trying to climb back up. Why would I knock her back down and pull her under?

Also, as someone who’s dealt with depression and feeling suicidal, I can honestly say betrayal is not something to be taken lightly if you want to help someone. Someone who’s depressed already feels like the world is caving in on them. Broken trust is the absolute last thing needed. You can’t force someone out of depression through any means, not even professional assistance. I was forced into therapy and counseling and all that resulted was a hatred and distrust of certain authority figures. Now, yes, I’m one person, but it happens more than you might think. If it’s absolutely certain the help will be beneficial, then risk it, but otherwise, find another way unless there is imminent danger.

Simply put, this is one case where my clinician is wrong. She’s right in that my friend needs help, but wrong in her suggestions to go about it. If I can do more for my friend than talk to her and she lets me know, I will do it, but I absolutely refuse to do something that involves breaking my friend’s trust. As I said, if she genuinely wants to die, she will kill herself, regardless of who interferes or tries to and I’ll only prolong her pain. I have told her she can talk to me if she needs or wants to and if I should ever receive a “goodbye” email from her, I will be sad in knowing she won’t be here much longer, but I’ll be happy with the knowledge that she’s not in pain any longer.

And, whether or not I am in love with her, I will tell her I love her and will miss her. It wouldn’t be a lie because, platonically, I love all my friends and she is no exception.

It was that simple?!

Today, I spent some time with my aunt and six-year-old cousin (second aunt and third cousin, actually). We were supposed to hang around the mall, but the little one wasn’t feeling well, so we didn’t stay long. While she was resting, I started playing around with her Disney’s Rapunzel doll. Since it’s Rapunzel, this doll had way too much hair!

One thing I’ve wanted to do that I couldn’t before was braids. I hate braids in my hair, but they’re a nice style. Whenever I tried braids before, they did not stay. They came loose or I ended up making a knot. Since there’s not much to do with a sick six-year-old trying to sleep, I looked up on WikiHow how to do braids and practiced on her doll.

I couldn’t believe how easy it was! I followed the instructions directly and got it perfect! I did it a few more times and I got the hang of it easily! I can’t believe I couldn’t do something so simple! Here’s what I ended up doing to the doll:

The little braid was made from three smaller braids.

It took me a while to do, especially because, naturally, this doll’s hair had a ridiculous amount of tangles, but it didn’t take too long and it was kind of fun. I might buy this doll for myself just to play with the hair.

It’s My Birthday – Let’s Eat!

Well, it’s not really my birthday. That’s four months away. Fourteen weeks and five days or one-hundred three days, to be exact.

I will be nineteen and I’ve run out of birthday presents. Last year, I just went out to eat on my birthday and I think I may do that again. In fact, I think that’s what I’ll do from now on. Instead of getting a birthday present, I’ll go out to eat.

I love restaurants and I have a list of ones I want to try. My favorite is Red Lobster and I want to visit again since I really didn’t eat much last time.

Of course, money will play into this and I doubt I’ll be able to go to a “fancy” restaurant this year since I’m trying to save money for commuting. But perhaps I’ll just treat myself to my favorite ice cream shop: Carvel’s.

I am a crazy person…

As much as I want to attend school in New York, it seems that may not be feasible. Being out-of-state is making housing rather complicated and I’m trying to keep things as simple as possible. Not because I’m lazy, but because 1) I don’t have forever and 2) I don’t have many choices anyway. There are seven different campuses for this college (I think), but only two have what I want to study. One is in-state. The other is in NY. I’m thinking of attending the one in my state.

Here’s the thing: The one that’s in my state is two hours away. If not for having the train, I’d need three or four buses to get there. But the area it’s in is rather beautiful. It’s a small town and it doesn’t have much, but it does happen to be near two malls, both bigger than my local one, and one of the malls being the biggest in my state! What can I say? I love shopping and that includes window-shopping! And it’s surrounding towns do have much, including my favorite seafood restaurant and a particular clothing store I’ve been wanting to check out, but haven’t gotten the chance to yet.

But I still want to be in NY. However, since attending school isn’t likely, I want to work there instead. However, this would be another two-hour commute. Fortunately, the commute back home would only be forty-five minutes, but that still is a lot of transportation. Not to mention that it’s public transport, until I can get a car anyway.

I’m willing to take a two-hour commute to school, a second two-hour commute to a part-time job and finally, a 45-minute commute to return home. That’s about five hours of commuting in total. In a week, that’s about ten hours if I attend school twice a week and fifteen hours if I attend school three times a week. All because I want something. I don’t need to do this, but I have this desire so badly and I can’t ignore it.

Yes, I. Am. Crazy!

One Day In The New Year

And I think I’ve fallen in love.

For a month and half, I’ve been talking to a friend who lives in another country. She’s a little younger than me and a very nice girl. She’s also very smart and opinionated. We share a lot of the same or similar opinions and I can talk to her about things I couldn’t with most other people.

Over break, I talked with her a little more than I usually do. I learned a lot about her. She really is a strong girl and we have similar backgrounds and circumstances.

This is the person I think I’m in love with.

If it’s not just a silly feeling, my pen pal would be the first crush I’ve ever had. It actually makes me a little sad because I will never meet her in person. She lives across the ocean. I do know what she looks like, however, although she doesn’t know what I look like. She hasn’t asked. I didn’t ask her either.

She’s beautiful, she’s strong, determined, realistic and can be funny. She’s not flawless, but neither am I. If this is not just a passing feeling, I want to tell her.